A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:At age12, I began having trouble with girls and over the next couple of years I feel like I lost every female friend I had, including one who I'd known from age 5. That is a very long story but I attribute what happened there with my first fascination of girls never being fruitful. I was always nervous and never learned how to talk to a girl outside of being friends. When I did get into my first relationship that had a label at age 10-11 I never advanced things. I acted as though we were just friends because I was scared. After I realized that wasn't going anywhere I broke up with her by asking a friend to do it for me. And I went ahead with life thinking about girls in a weird way because I've never understood what to do and now it's lead to things not going the way I want because I just don't know. I still haven't had much experience 6-7 years later with the total number of girls I've talked to being around 30 or so. Which in that time span seems a bit low. Or it might seem low because I've only gotten to a beyond friends place twice. And it's self defeating because my lack of experience and understanding cause more fear and uncertainty. So inside I feel like I've always been looking at things from the outside when it comes to this. I feel terrible. All these years and I still don't even have any female contact. As a man, to be going through this makes me feel ridiculous. I don't want to lose hope or faith in God over all this because I feel like I have nothing to believe in at times. And for those getting ready to post a "just be yourself" answer, I don't know how to do that anymore because I spent so much time back then trying to change who I was to get more success that I mostly lost my identity. When I think about getting back out there, I feel too beat up to try. The fear, the lack of experience/confidence. I'm just tired.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 November 2014):
 What exactly are you afraid of??? If you say you are a man of GOD, then you will know if you have faith, you should have no fear of any human. Plus...Women are some of the most beautiful, exciting creations GOD ever made, and you are afraid of them?? Interesting.If you are afraid of getting hurt...guess what? It will happen, has been happening, and will continue to happen as long as you live in fear. My grandmother said to me when I was a teen..."Do women have two heads, and men only have one?? So why are you afraid them?"How do you get experience? By doing what needs to be done, making mistakes, and learning from them. You can change yourself all you want, but the principle is always the same for everyone...Doing, Mistakes, Learning. If you put your hand on a hot stove (Doing), you see it as a Mistake, and you Learn real fast not to do it again. Same with life. You will meet women that are amazing, and those you will learn to stay away from. Will you get hurt?? YES!!! And if you live without fear of trying again, it will make you stronger, as long as you learn.The best way to meet any women is very very difficult. In fact it is so hard...only real men can do it. Men without fear..and every woman responds to it. Are you ready for the most sure why to meet a woman...Ready!!!! "Hi...My name is..." Keep it to yourself...you could get killed for knowing that. Top secret stuff. :)Fear is weakness. And if you are weak when things get tough, then you weak indeed.Do me one favour...When you man up...find "A" woman, not women. Do not go on a rampage looking for sex because you no longer have fear. Greed is just as self-destructive as fear. Find a good woman, and marry her, then you two can have all the sex you want. :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2014):
 I hope you, as a person, have grown from the kid you were at 12 this the young adult you are now. NO ONE is born knowing exactly how to act and be. It's a trial and error thing. Some are better with social situations then others, but with practice anyone can learn social behavior.
You are looking back at the "mistakes" you made as a 12 year old thinking OH GOSH I will NEVER be able to do this!! - but that is pointless, that is the past. LEARN from the mistakes you make. A girl(friend) is not a trophy or merit badge that you MUST achieve. Nor is it their "fault" that you aren't getting to where you want to be.
And I agree with Jannie, STOP focusing on a GF right now, focus on YOU. FInd out WHO you are and who you want to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): Who you are is not fixed. You say you've been trying to be different personas. Well stop trying to be anything.
Ask yourself what matters to you. Is it family? Studies? Hobbies? Causes? Health. Ask yourself what you find fulfilling. Then do that. Spend your time doing the things that you enjoy. If it's sport then join a sports club to share your passion with others. If it's causes then attend charity events or conferences. If it's family then spend your time with them.
When you focus on things that you value, your confidence will shoot up and you will find it easier to talk about your hobbies and interests with new people including women.
Stop trying to be anything. You create who you are everyday through your daily actions and choices.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question30 wasn't the number of friends I counted. If you'd read, I said that was the number of girls I've talked to in an attempt to build a romantic relationship. Otherwise your answer is ok. Yes I do have high expectations and always have. It's messed up because I don't think I was ever taught by my parents to believe in myself or accomplish things on my own. I just lived and was only told whether something was right or wrong before or after I'd done it. As for seeking validation, I would partly agree because while I do have a seemingly unhealthy want for it, it's not the most important thing for me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 November 2014):
 Your need for experience actually works against you because every time you talk to a girl you focus so much on not being rejected that you lose perspective of what interacting with females is about. You only need one girl in your life, at one time so if you have to mold yourself to suit whatever girl is out there you will be so exhausted.
You have very high expectations of how your life should turn out to be. Your expectations don't quite match up to reality. Counting number of friends to 30 also sounds like you are obsessive in that area. You base your results on your experience since you were 5. I don't think getting a girl is that hard, the essential thing is that you know what you want, who you like and you want a relationship. It sounds like you don't know what you want. You only want people to like you and validate you. Girls could sense this and no one likes to be giving you attention just so that you gain points in experience. I would say stop focusing on getting girls and build your identity. When you have to fake a persona it usually means you don't have a solid sense of yourself.
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