A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I started dating my boyfriend in Feb 16. He had just come out of a long term relationship. He says that although he loved his previous GF ( she was the longest he had ever dated anyone) it was a very rocky relationship.Only thing is we got together within weeks of them splitting up. From the start he has regularly checked out her FB profile (they are no longer connected on social media) and ocassinalynstay in touch (although I think it is him that contacts her). Recently she has just been diagnosed with a serious illness and I know he is thinking about her.Should I be worried? Was our relationship on the wrong footing in the first place? I don't know what to do... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): It would be sensible to tell your bf that you both need a break from this relationship. He didn't act fairly by getting together with you when he clearly still has feelings for his ex and it's not healthy for him to keep trying to commit to you when he is still emotionally attached to her, especially since finding out she is ill will bring up a lot of feelings for him. You both can't really focus on a relationship shop between the two of you with all this going on. You also deserve better, in a relationship it is standard that each person only has eyes for each other - if someone's is looking back at their past relationships then they're not ready to be with someone else.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies so far. I think he would get back with her in a heartbeat if she would let him. I think it's her that stops it not him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): I read your update about the email he sent to her...Yes I think he does still have feelings for her. Now, given that she has been diagnosed with a serious illness, that could really be tugging at his nostalgic emotions. I know that if someone I had cared about and loved in the past was diagnosed, I would really feel emotional about it. I think that he does have strong feelings for her, and some regret at how things ended. I'm sure he also has strong feelings for you (presumably). Sad thing is, sometimes people can be in love with 2 people at once...you need to decide if you can accept that. You need to judge...are his feelings just nostalgic? Or is there a serious chance that he really wants to get back together with her?I would probably tell him we need a break until he figures out his feelings.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I guess you will know deep down if it was a mistake or not. Their is no denying that it was probably to soon, but you are together a year now, so it has went over being a rebound am sure. If he still checks up on her a lot then yes I would be wondering why that is. I honestly think the best thing would be to talk to him about how you feel.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Should you be worried?
That really depends. How is he with YOU? How is the relationship you two have?
I will say that while some people check out of a relationship mentally and emotionally WAY before they break up - taking a GOOD amount of time (like FA mentioned 10% of the length of the previous relationship) is always a good idea. It lets people get their bearing back, set new standards, learn from the last relationship on what to do better etc. So jumping from ONE to another rarely gives people time to really reflect.
And unfortunately, you can often see people get those rose-colored glasses in regards to an ex. That maybe the ex-partner wasn't so "bad" after all, or the "bad parts" are partially forgotten or shoved under the rug.
I think you should talk to him about your fears and ask him, to be honest.
He might FEEL he somehow OWES her to take care of her in her illness or stay friends EVEN IF it's not a good thing for the new relationship. So yes, TALK to him.
But before you do, think about YOUR needs and wants. Are they being fulfilled with this guy? Are you OK with the contact between them? Or are you feeling like you actually walk on eggshells to keep the relationship going.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2017):
Should you be worried?
That really depends. How is he with YOU? How is the relationship you two have?
I will say that while some people check out of a relationship mentally and emotionally WAY before they break up - taking a GOOD amount of time (like FA mentioned 10% of the length of the previous relationship) is always a good idea. It lets people get their bearing back, set new standards, learn from the last relationship on what to do better etc. So jumping from ONE to another rarely gives people time to really reflect.
And unfortunately, you can often see people get those rose-colored glasses in regards to an ex. That maybe the ex-partner wasn't so "bad" after all, or the "bad parts" are partially forgotten or shoved under the rug.
I think you should talk to him about your fears and ask him, to be honest.
He might FEEL he somehow OWES her to take care of her in her illness or stay friends EVEN IF it's not a good thing for the new relationship. So yes, TALK to him.
But before you do, think about YOUR needs and wants. Are they being fulfilled with this guy? Are you OK with the contact between them? Or are you feeling like you actually walk on eggshells to keep the relationship going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe played it down when we started dating and I didn't know that they had only just split up two weeks before although they had broken up a few times before. We now live together in a different part of the country but I discovered an email thee months ago where he emailed his ex to apologise for the things he had done in the relationship and to say that he missed her.
It's really unsettled me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): If he's still checking facebook, still contacting her, etc, then yes it's too soon. I would take a break/break it off for now so there is time in between. It's hard, but it'll be much better for you in the long run. Let him sort out his feelings and see what he wants. Then after the break, he reaches out to you, you will feel assured that he's had enough time to know what he wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): It is a very bad idea to get with someone immediately after their breakup. I made the same mistake as you. He promised that he was over her a long time before they broke up and he only wanted to remain friends. I realized he was going back and forth emotionally for a whole year and a half until he finally cut all contact with her. In hind sight, I feel like he cheated and lied to me during the beginning of our relationship and it's something that's hard for me to let go of.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Common wisdom is that you should be single for at least 10% of the time you were in the previous relationship. Your mileage may vary.
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