A
male
age
41-50,
*eltiBill
writes:Hi All, please help.My Girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years now and we are very close. We are both in our early thirties and are thinking about starting a family.I've been at uni since we've been together and we've been living at my parents' houses (paying rent) pretty much the whole time. She's been working but has now also started doing courses to get some qualifications.We have similar numbers of ex partners (she has slightly more) but very different levels of experience. The guy she lost her virginity to she stayed with for eight years and they had their own house together for half that time. After they split up (he finished it) she had four or five years of promiscuity and short term relationships. My personal experience is basically 12 years of short term relationships but never staying with the same girl for more than three months.The problem I'm having is related to her long term ex. She says she's over him but I just can't resolve it. She's called me by his name a few times (once during sex), still keeps in touch with their mutual friends, even though none of them seem to be too bothered about keeping in touch with her, and she's even tried to contact him to meet up for coffee/lunch early on in our relationship (he refused because he said his current girlfriend probably wouldn't like it). They also met at a party and said to each other they should stay friends. I have gained all this information by asking about it, but it usually involves a big fight and I have to drag every little bit of info out of her and she hates talking about it saying 'it makes her feel bad because it makes her feel like a failure'.I don't feel like a failure because I had past girlfriends that didn't work out and I don't feel bad about talking about any aspect of my past. So why does she?I also want to know more about the kinds of things she likes to do in bed i.e. what are her favourite sexual experiences? What gives/gave her the best orgasm? which is her favourite position? but she wont open up to me or be honest about any of it.Also, she wont kiss me properly. When I try she turns her head away from me and pulls me in for a cuddle which I find very unsexual. She enjoys it when I give her oral but she never returns the favour unless I ask and she never initiates sex. It's also very infrequent and I don't feel sexually satisfied.I've been to see a counsellor which helped a bit but she wont go and see one, and i think it's because she feels I am the one with all the problems.My major anxieties are; did she have a better sex life with her ex?why wont she talk about it and give details?why does she have a problem kissing?I feel like I love her, I want to marry her and I want to have a family with her, but I don't know how to resolve the issues I have with her past (especially if she wont open up). Should I keep trying to make it work and hope that having a family will make things better between us (after all, having children with me is something she's never done before) or should I just finish it now and move on? It just feels to me that the things we share now are things that she's already shared with someone else and she's even had better given that they lived in their own place together. When she says 'but it was ages ago and it's in the past' I just feel sad because the past is what makes us the people we are today and her not opening up makes me feel very insecure. She's even said that she wont talk about it because it 'was between them' which really hurts because I feel she's protecting the sanctity of their relationship.thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and any opinions greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Okay, this question has a lot of parallels to my own relationship and as a result I feel like I can answer this honestly, as I can understand how you feel.
Okay so in a nutshell, your gf spent eight years with one guy, he was the guy that she decided to lose her virginity to, the guy she moved out of her parents home and lived with and the guy who she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. They shared a HOME, not a house. A home. This guy MEANT something to your gf, something big. She took many first steps with him and it can be assumed that their relationship was one that was good for her, as she didn't want to leave him. Eight years is a long time for a young woman (I assume she would have been in her early 20s when this relationship happened). Also, HE left her. She probably never wanted to leave him in the first place.
Okay, so far we established that her relationship was important and meant a great deal. Now is the bit where I say everything is okay, and the past is the past…right? WRONG.
1. She keeps in contact with their mutual friends. Lets not make any bones about it. This is so that she can occasionally ask how he is doing, what he is up to etc. All very innocent. I'm not saying that what she does is wrong. but lets not mince words here. Why keep in contact with old friends esp if none of them seem keen.
2. She tried to meet up with him, and again it was HIM who decided that they shouldn't meet. Her desire to meet up was still there, her desire to see him, her desire to have some kind of relationship. Again it was HIM that stops the progress of their relationship.
3. You cannot talk to her about her ex, because it causes arguments and you have t o'drag' info out of her. Why? Why is is it so painful to talk about someone who doesn't mean anything? its not. ITs painful to talk about someone who DOES mean something. I know that if my partner asked about my ex, I would be willing to share stories, laugh about the stupid/mean/funny/disgusting things my ex did and generally tell my partner anything. Because to be honest, my ex does not mean anything to me now, I don't feel I need to keep anything from the man that actually matters NOW, that is, my current partner. You are right in what you said. It IS like she is 'protecting the sanctity ' of their relationship.
4. The kissing thing, she may just not like to kiss to be honest, so I may not put too much thought into that.
5. She could just be shy about talking about sex etc. Again that doesn't mean anything either.
So, your problem here is not that she wont kiss or experiment or talk about sex, but that there is something about her ex, that has a hold on her. Its nothing strange, its called being The First and despite what MANY agony aunts here will say, it DOES mean something. To you, she is the First in many ways, she's probably the first woman you actually wanted to spend your life with, to have children with, to build and share a home with. Whilst, to her you are the second guy that she wanted to do all those things with. Everyone nowadays will say the first is no longer important but, to people like you and I, that is simply not true. I am not being mean when I say this but you are second best, as am I when it comes to my current partner.
As I said before, I was in the same shoes you are in now and I decided to stay. The feeling of being second best will never go away. My ex meant nothing to me (he was someone in high school) my current partner is my everything. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first man I lived with, he was my first everything. But he did all this (including have children) with another woman. I would be stupid to think that when he first had sex with me it was the same as when he had sex for the first time in his life. Just like, it would be rather silly of you to assume that buying a home with you and going furniture shopping etc will be the same for her as it will be for you. It wont. She would have done it all before.
Ok a bit off topic, but let me tell you something, when I first went on the London eye, I was just awed, astound and just captivated by the view. It was a magical moment in November, at night, in 2007. I had the opportunity to go on it a few times since then (showing people from abroad around london). By the third time, I didn't even bother looking around much. I had seen it before. It didn't hold the same value and it certainly didn't take my breath away. We are both in our relationship, the second ride on the London eye.
I cannot tell you what to do , as essentially its down to you. As some other poster said, don't have kids, its not fair to bring them into a less than perfect situation and don't do anything rash like get married until you figure all this out. But I wanted you to know that you are justified in what you feel, and a lot of the agony aunts will say that the past is the past and you are being immature but you are not. There is a REASON you are feeling this way. Accept the feeling, figure out if you can live with the knowledge of what you mean to your gf (I don't doubt she loves you btw, you probably mean a great deal to her) and decide if you can accept it.
This is a topic close to my heart and I wish you ALL the very best in dealing with it. Please update.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 You already got excellent advice..spot ON Kc100...
I wanted to comment on the following...
"When she says 'but it was ages ago and it's in the past' I just feel sad because the past is what makes us the people we are today and her not opening up makes me feel very insecure. She's even said that she wont talk about it because it 'was between them' which really hurts because I feel she's protecting the sanctity of their relationship."
It IS in the PAST and she wants to leave it there. You keep digging it up like a curious dog to see if there is meat on long since buried bones. Talking about those past experiences may hurt her, that does not mean she is still in love with the man. That means the experience, the relationship MEANT something to her.
You are being insecure by choice! It almost seems like you need to compare yourself to her past. She does not need to give you her full emotional and sexual inventory to make you feel better about yourself.
What is wrong with protecting the sanctity of her past relationship? That relationship was VERY significant to her. It did not work out.
Obviously she is a person to care and feel very deeply. She has been with you for FIVE years!
After all this time, it seems she HAS chosen you, but you are still unsure about her.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 July 2011):
 The main reason I didnt pick up on the bit about whether she still has feelings for her ex or not is because it seems to me that after 5 years, she cant have feelings that are particularly strong and her behaviour indicates that she is pretty much over it too.
You say she has called you by his name (only once during sex) - this is bad, but how long ago was this? Presumably it has happened recently? And she tried to contact him ONCE, early in your relationship - you have been together 5 years now and she hasnt tried again, so obviously she is not that hung up on him! As for keeping in touch with mutual friends, well that is not too bad really. I know if I split up with my current partner I would like to think I would keep in touch with our mutual friends, I have made good friends with one of his friend's wives and I would be upset not to speak to her again. So I dont think this is an indicator of trying to keep in her ex's circle or anything like that, I think it is a simple matter that they were friends and she doesnt want to have to give up friendships despite the relationship being over.
I honestly cant see anything in your post that indicates she still has feelings for her ex today, unless she is still calling you by his name, 5 years on. If all of this happened in the early part of your relationship - then chances are yes, she got together with you a bit too soon and probably wasnt over him, but 5 years on I think she will be over him, not many girls can cling onto an ex for that long!
Look at it this way - if you worry how he experiences with the ex have shaped he, then she could equally worry about your string of failed short term relationships. If I had a choice of 2 people; 1 who was in a long term relationship, 2 who never had long term relationships and was quite promiscuous - I would pick person 1, because they are obviously a faithful, loyal person who wants to settle down, and is a comitted sort of person. Rather than person 2, who clealy has some comittment issues if they cannot keep a relationship going more than 3 months. That would be a MAJOR worry to me!
You are not second choice, and you need to stop thinking that way. Heck, if my boyfriend thought that way he would feel like he is 5th choice! I have had 5 long term (ish) serious relationships, so does that mean my current partner is my fifth choice?! Even if you are dumped, you will still eventually be able to look back and realise that they were not right for you and you can understand sort of their reasons for ending it. You might be heartbroken at the time, but you can look back and comprehend their reasons for the break-up, and realise that everything wasnt perfect and there is better out there. My first love was perhaps one of the worst guys I have ever dated, at the time I was madly in love but looking back it would have been a nightmare staying with him! So he is certainly not my first choice! He was at the time - but not anymore. I'm sure your girlfriend will be the same - yes she will have been hurt that he dumped her, but she will be able to look back now and realise he was not right for her.
She is talking about starting a family with you, you are discussing marriage....that means you are 'the one', you are the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with - doesnt that mean anything to you? If you were second choice and were not the one for her, she wouldnt be talking about these things with you, she would be chasing her ex 24/7 trying to get him back.
The fact she wont open up about her ex doesnt mean a thing - I wont open up about any of my ex's bar the one that I am still friends with. This is because they are not in my life anymore, they have no bearing on my present or future and I cant see the point in discussing the past. As I said before, talking about ex's only leads to insecurity and problems - she would only be talking about him to induldge your obession, allowing you to waste more time thinking about him and comparing yourself, she knows this hence why she wont talk about him. it is nothing to do with her current feelings for him (which are probably next to none if she wants a family with you), it is purely because it is a pointless waste of time that can only lead to more problems.
I actually think couples therapy might be good for you, and some therapy on your own to work out why you need to obsess about her ex so much - it indicates to me (with my small amount of Psychological qualifications) that perhaps you have some deep rooted trust problems, or some self-esteem issues that lead you to compare yourself so harshly with others, your self-worth seems very low if you are certain that you are 2nd choice and you are nothing new to your girlfriend. Speaking to a therapist may really help you, I suggest you have a look into it.
And maybe if you are feeling brave, show your girlfriend this post and our replies. Show her how much this is all eating you up, and what outsiders are thinking on this matter. Or maybe even write her a letter with everything you want to ask her and all your feelings - writing is often a far better way of communicating than talking, especially if you are prone to mentioning the ex and then causing a fight. Writing it down will allow you to think about what you want to say before it comes out of your mouth, and will mean she can read it in her own time without being put on the spot and forced to get defensive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Thankyou both very much. your time is greatly appreciated and I agree with many points you make. The thing is there are some slightly conflicting views and I do tend to agree with sexlessintheuk when she says my "girlfriend still harbours feelings for her old boyfriend" and it is this that worries me more than anything else.
I guess the whole sex issue is a proxy for the fact that I cannot resolve in my mind how her experiences with this guy have shaped who she is now, and how much of an impact those experiences will have on our future. The fact she wont easily open up suggests that she loved him very deeply and probably still has feelings for him even now. How will I react to a situation where we bump into each other? I don't feel like I'm in control of this at all, I am likely to make a fool of myself (or be made a fool of) and I refuse to allow myself to be placed in that sort of a situation without having a firm grasp on what is going through her mind. It's as if this imaginary (although very possible given that he's best mates with her step brother) situation places all the power in his and her hands and it freaks me out thinking about it!
That being said, K_C100 makes a very reassuring point when she says "the past is the past, and it does shape us as people - but it has made her into a woman that wants to be with you". However, the fact is he finished with her, making me second best. And maybe she needs him to reassure her as to the reasons why he finished it. Unresolved issues on her behalf leading to the need to maintain contact (either directly (eg lunch) or indirectly by staying in touch with his friends).
I suppose it's just that I feel we cannot have a really honest conversation about her feelings now. That is probably my fault for bringing her ex into it every time and I will try hard not to. So thankyou for that advice.
Like I said, I think it's just a power thing (pre-historic and neanderthilic as that is) I am simply protecting myself from an individual who has power over the person that I love.
The one thing I can't seem to be able to do above all else is to stop thinking about it, and I am struggling to break the cycle. Until I can stop thinking about it, I don't feel like I'll be able to stop thinking about it! (see my point).
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 July 2011):
Ok I'm going to deal with these issues seperately.
1. Why does she feel like a failure? Because she was with him for 8 years, they shared a house together, probably planned on having a long future together - it is perfectly natural that after any long relationship you will feel like you have failed. When you invest a lot into a relationship, you are investing into your future, so when that investment doesnt work out you are naturally upset. Just as you would be losing money on a financial investment - you will be disappointed both emotionally and financially when a relationship breaks down. If your relationship ended now, she would feel like a failure again. It is nothing unusual, most people feel the exact same when a long term relationship ends. Being able to work through problems and stay together (like making a marriage last 30 years etc), that is an achievement and something to be proud of. So when the relationship doesnt work, obviously there will be the feeling of failure for not being able to make it work.
2. Did she have a better sex life with her ex? Who knows. Who cares. This is irrelevant, and nothing you have mentioned above would indicate that your current sex life is any better or worse than with her ex. And even still, it doesnt matter because she is not with him anymore, she is with you. If your sex life was really that bad in her opinion she would have left, simple as that. Stop worrying about her ex and focus on making your current sex life better - if you knew her sex life was better in the past that is not going to help is it? Even if she said it is better with you, chances are you wouldnt believe her because of your feelings about your sex life - so this question has no positive outcome, therefore you need to forget about it. Nothing good can come of thinking about this, so drop it and move on.
3. Not sure if I understand this question - why wont she talk about her sex life with her ex? Or why wont she talk about her sexual preferences?
If it is why wont she talk about sex with her ex, that is because she shouldnt have to give in to your insecurities and childish requests for the gory details. She is wise enough to know that talking about an ex, especially sex life with an ex is a loaded topic and will only end up in a row, or worse - so she is right in not talking about it. I would never dream about telling my current partner all the lurid details about my sex life with my ex's, it would hurt him, make him feel inadequate (even though he is not) and would only cause trouble.
If the question is why wont she tell you what she likes in the bedroom - then this is a real problem and one you should actually be concerned about, rather than the petty issues with her past. The present is more important than the past, and in the present you are not sexually satisfied which is a big problem. I dont know why she wont talk about it, I dont know her and am not inside her head so I cant give you a reason. But you do need to confront her about your problems with your sex life - but do it without even mentioning her ex. I bet that is part of the problem, if you are bringing up her ex every time you try to talk about sex she will shut down immediately. So try talking to her in a calm, non invasive manner. Start by telling her that you are not happy with your sex life at present, that sex is too infrequent for your liking, you feel unwanted because she never initiates, you are starting to get a bit irritated by never getting oral despite you giving her oral, and you are really worried by her pulling away from you when you try to kiss her. You have to be honest - just tell her what you are unhappy with, otherwise how is she ever going to know? You can ask her what her favourite position is until you are blue in the face, but she still wont know what you are unhappy with. If you start with this then maybe she might open up to. Tell her that you want to know what pleases her, what excites her the most so you can make your sex life better. And if she still wont talk - well you need to get serious on her ass and explain that this is becoming a huge problem and if your sex life doesnt improve you would consider calling it a day. Dont issue an ultimatum, but she needs to understand that you need to be having better sex otherwise the relationship will fail.
4. Why wont she kiss you? Again, there could be a million reasons - ask her. I must admit I am a little bit guilty of this with my boyfriend, he isnt a great kisser and I have told him before what I dont like but he tends to revert back to his usual style, so I will sometimes pull away to avoid kissing him. It could be that in your case, or it could be something else. Only way to find out is to ask her. And again, DO NOT mention her ex at all when you are asking questions like this.
5. Having a family - sorry this needs to be all in CAPS to get through to you - HAVING A BABY WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE, NOT BETTER. You cannot have a baby to fix a relationship, that is about the worst idea I have ever heard. It is not going to fix your sex life, it is not going to make your insecurities around her ex vanish, it is not going to make you happy - it will bring added stress, pressure, financial worries, differences in parenting styles....all sorts of new problems will rear their ugly heads and unless you have a 100% happy, stable relationship then it is only going to tear you apart. Please DO NOT start a family until ALL of your issues are resolved, until you have finished Uni, until you have your own house, and not a single thought of leaving her ever crosses your mind again.
6. Should you finish it and move on? No, that would be too hasty when in essence, your only real problem in this relationship is a poor sex life. That can be fixed, providing both partners want to work at it. You want to work at it, but does she? Thats the problem. As I said before, you need to make this crystal clear that the problem with your sex life has become so serious that you are considering ending the relationship. Even suggest couples therapy if you need to, but dont throw away 5 years just yet.
7. That last paragpraph of yours. I am not even going to dignify most of that with an answer - there was an 18 year old girl on this site yesterday asking the same questions about not having anything new with her boyfriend because he had done it all before, and you sound just like her, and everyone simply told her to grow up and stop being so immature. Yes the past is the past, and it does shape us as people - but it has made her into a woman that wants to be with you - why is that not enough for you? She is right, it was between them and it is history now. You know enough about her and her ex to leave it now, just let it go and try and move forward. Every day you have with her is a new experience, everyday she spends with you is new for her too. So what she had an ex who she lived with, so do millions of other people on this earth. If you can get over this silly problem then you could actually move forwards, get married, have kids - there is a whole future available to you with this woman that will be new for the pair of you. But only if you drop this obession with her ex!
Sorry that was so long but it all needed to be said - I hope it helps in some way!
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