A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seriously dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He got a job offer out of state and originally when he asked me to go---I said no. I thought it best for him to venture out first and make sure he really likes it there. I needed some time to make sure this was the right move for me too. Marriage was probably around the corner and I wanted to fully know in my heart that this was what was right for me.He has now told me that he is angry (felt rejected) that I did not want to go out with him in the first place and he took that as me wanting to break up with him. He now wants to go alone. He said it would be best for us to just be friends. I'm like freaking out because I thought I was doing the right thing and now am completely confused and depressed. He was my everything and now I feel like I am mourning a loss. He doesn't call, write, email, nothing. I just feel like the whole relationship was just thrown away. How do I move on? I am so hurt and I can't eat, sleep, think....I feel like I'm living in a bubble. Any positive advice would really be appreciated.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): I can understand why you don’t want to move right now. That would be a big decision to leave your job and go to him with no long-term commitment. That would be a big risk for you. Only you can decide if that risk is worth it. I personally believe that you need to take your time to make a decision that big.
Now to the talking thing. How can the 2 of you ever work this out if neither of you will take the others calls? It sounds like you are both miserable over this break-up, but are too hurt right now to even talk. You can’t solve this problem if you don’t communicate. However, there is no use communicating right now if you would end up arguing. That would get you nowhere. I think that you need to call him in the evening when both of you are at home so that you can talk without interruption. Talking about a subject this personal is not a thing to try to discuss while being distracted at work.
My wife just said the same thing as Emilysanswers suggested. She said to put all of your thoughts on paper and send him a letter. Being oldsters, we still think that a letter is more personal than an e-mail. She believes this is better than talking because you might just end up arguing while talking, whereas a letter gives both the writer and the reader time to think before responding. As Emily said, “You can’t get over emotional when it’s written down so you can get your message across.” After thinking about it, I have to agree with my wife and Emily.
By the way, how far away is he? Are we talking a few hours drive or are we talking cross country?
I can understand why he felt hurt. This is going to be a difficult decision for both of you, but it seems that you both want to be together and are very sad at the situation. I do think that you both need a little time to think, but you also have to communicate. You also cannot allow your friends to make the decision for you. Listen to what they think and consider it, but the decision is yours. It sounds like your relationship was going great until this move. Don’t throw out 2-1/2 years of a relationship without trying to communicate and solve the problem. I don’t know what the solution might be, as there are different possibilities. You and he have to make a decision between career and the relationship. Neither of you are obligated to give up something important to you. There has to be a compromise.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 June 2008):
This just sounds like massive miscomunication.
Have you actually said to him that you don't want to break up with him, that you want to be with him?
I can completely understand how he felt rejected when you told him not to consider you as a factor in him taking this job. I know you just meant that he should do what is best for his career. But sweetie, you are a factor in his life - a HUGE one.
Write him a letter / email explaining everything. You can't get over emotional when it's written down so you can get your message across.
Either that or get on a plane and turn up at his new place.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): I absolutely agree with "troubeldtomuch" it is very important what reason you gave him, why you did not want to move in the first instance and what you have done subsequently! Hope you can reach him even if by mail to set the records straight!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Hi!
Thank you for your response. When the conversation first arose, I told him that I did not want to move with him because I wanted to be successful and move up in my position. I felt that if I were to go, I would be unhappy as I had not fulfilled my dream. Would I look back years later and say 'What did I do?" As much as I loved him, I wanted him to make the decision to leave without me being a factor. That's what you do when you love someone. You put them before yourself. Right then was not a good time for me to move, especially considering the HUGE work project that occured earlier this year that took a lot of time and energy. I needed to have that experience. That is why we both moved out together in the first place. To leave the city, job, and friends I loved didn't make sense at that time.
Now, being that I had some time and space to think about it, I realized that it was only a job and that I would only be happy if he was in my life. So I re-adressed the situation with him, told him this, and that is when he said NO. I didn't even get the feeling that he cared. It was very straight-forward, no emotion, no feeling, nothing. I felt like I was making a business deal or something. He said that I dumped him by saying that and he was so hurt he couldn't be with me right now. He needed space to think about things. So right now I am kind of left hanging. He left last Tuesday---I drove him to the airport, dropped him off, and that was it. I cried for days, was an emotional wreck.
I actually was on business this past week and he called me a few times. I ignored the calls because i was so hurt. I wanted to answer so bad but I knew it wouldn't help me at all. I finally talked to him this past Saturday and he sounded MISERABLE. It was more of the "I'm fine, but I'm really not" type of attitude. I'm trying to be the "friend" but at the same time, it's really hard to play that role when you've been with someone as a girlfriend for so long. As I am writing this, he actually just called me at work. I didn't know who it was so I hung up and 5 minutes later he called back. It's so strange....I don't really know what to make of the situation. Everyone says I just need to let him go but it is easier said than done.
Thank you for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Wow, I feel sorry for you. I am going to assume from what you have said that you did not explain why you didn’t want to go with him right away. If so, that was your mistake. I don’t think that you were mistaken for not wanting to move until he had the chance to see if the new job was what he wanted. After all, sometimes people get a new job and then discover that they were lied to and want to leave after a few months. You were not ready for marriage right at that point, so it would not be reasonable for you to give up whatever you had to take a chance of him not staying with that job and maybe the 2 of you not staying together.
My wife and I were in this situation 22 years ago. We had been dating for 6-1/2 years and living together for the last 2 of those years. We had no reason to get married, as we were happy with that arrangement. We were 40 years old at the time and had both had a previous marriage. Anyway, I got an offer to take another job with the company that I was working for that was out of state. We talked about it and decided that we both wanted me to take the job and that we both wanted to move. It was a big move for my girlfriend, as she had a good job at a company she had worked at for many years. I decided that the only fair thing to do was for us to get married. We were ready for the marriage commitment, as we had decided on a lasting relationship when we decided to live together. Again, I don’t think that you were wrong for wanting to wait until he knew if this move was going to work out.
Now what to do. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t think of any great ideas to suggest. If you did not tell him why you didn’t want to move right away then have you tried to tell him since he has broken up with you? If not, try to get him to talk and tell him. How long has it been since he has stopped writing? I’m thinking that he is just as sad and hurt as you are right now. I know that I would have been if this had happened to me many years ago. I would have been terribly depressed to have possibly lost this woman who I loved. I am reading this to my wife and she agrees that he is probably very sad right now. If it has only been a few days since this started then perhaps some time for him to think might be needed. I remember when my first wife left me after 11 years of marriage. It took me weeks before I even started to get over it and be able to sleep or eat right. I was very sad and depressed. The only way for the 2 of you to get back together is to talk about it, but only when both of you can do so while thinking clearly. It’s like when a couple have a really big fight. There is no point talking about the resolution until the anger and sadness is mostly gone. Otherwise, it will just result in another fight.
I guess I’d like to hear the answer to my 2 questions: Did you explain this to him when you said no and how long has it been since this happened and he has not been talking to you.
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