A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After chatting online a guy asked to meet for dinner. I was happy to and we had a nice evening. We paid half each I had no problem with that. He since suggested I go to his for an eve meal. I feel this is too soon as he is an hour away to drive so he might expect me to stay. I suggested i visit him for lunch and as he lives in the countryside we go for a nice walk afterwards. He text me " big sigh...I was hoping you weren't gonna say that". However he agreed. The thing is we are supposed to be doing that this weekend but I have heard literally nothing for a week. My gut instinct is that because I suggested a daytime date he has gone off idea. I am thinking of cancelling. What ahould I do? I feel I deserve better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): OP here again. I completely agree with your points. A brief update.. when I told him firmly yesterday that his behaviour was wrong and I didn't want any more of it and wished him luck in the future... he got quite irritated saying 'you'd better explain yourself' which felt a bit threatening. I just repeated myself again and was clear about what he had done that was wrong. I then received a text saying 'you've let me down' which I know was a tactic trying to make me feel guilty. Then when I didn't reply he text me that 'you are not moving on from the past behaving like this' another tactic to undermine and provoke me. Still I didnt reply and he then tried a different approach claiming 'you are naughty and sexy' and then half an hour later ' so I take it you're not coming round then?'. His most recent text was practically begging me to forgive him. He also claimed he couldn't even remember going on the website and the reason i hadn't been in touch was that he can't be doing with texting every 5 mins (ironically). I now know I can add manipulative to his character. I am so glad the gut instinct was right he showed his true colours. Thank you all again for advice x
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Glad to hear you've decided to move on, OP, but I want to add a couple of thoughts anyway.
One, it doesn't matter how far or how close he lives to you it would still have been way too soon to have dates at each of your homes.
And second, someone who has just met you and is already expecting sex is not going to be hurt, just disappointed so don't be too gentle in expressing your limits and expectations. Don't come across as heavy handed or anything, but be totally confident and matter of fact. Being gentle is a sign of weakness because it suggests you care more about that person's opinion than you should.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Glad to hear that he's history, but you write:
"Whilst I don't expect a guy to be exclusive from the first second of the first date I would certainly expect that if I was going to sleep with him".
NEVER assume that because a guy is ready to sleep with you, he is also ready to be exclusive (especially after one date). That's something that has to be discussed, face to face, not assumed.
Good luck and be careful with online dating. Not everyone has the same morals or intentions as you. Keep on paying attention to your gut instincts!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): Thank you everyone for your replies - I am the original OP. I agree that he has had a 'strop' because I decided to be clear that I was not going to just sleep with him at his call. I was surprised at his attitude only because I thought I had covered the subject very gently when we had dinner previously saying about my upbringing and my old fashioned views etc. So..this morning I decided to log in to the dating website under a different profile name and sure enough he had been 'active' in the last 24 hours. Whilst I don't expect a guy to be exclusive from the first second of the first date I would certainly expect that if I was going to sleep with him yet he clearly has other ideas. He is obviously still hunting which has made me feel even worse. Also he has time to go on the website but not time to text me. Life is too short for messing around and I deserve better - I am sticking with my gut instinct. Thank you everyone for your help. He is history.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Forget him, your gut instincts are right
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 I think I would just assume he's kind of a whiny boy and move on! He's expecting you to travel to his place and then when you suggest that you do, only earlier, he gets dramatic about it.
Listen to your intuition. If he really wanted to get to know you, he'd have been making the effort!
You do deserve better. :)
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 April 2014):
 He's a grown up. If he doesn't know that asking a woman to his place after only two dates doesn't imply he's after sex, then he's an idiot.
the whole 'big sigh' texts makes him sound like a complete sulking douchbag in my opinion and a decent, well mannered guy would be able to work out that you arn't stupid, it's way too soon for a stay over and it's OK for you to say too soon!!
It's such a shame because there are some good folk out there to date but finding them isn't easy. When you have to put up with this kind of sulky shit from a man you barely know, I understand why you want to cancel.
He hasn't contacted you, I wouldn't bother cancelling because he's probably already gone...let it be 'dead air' and don't you dare go after him young lady because that will allow him to continue with his 'assholery'
He isn't for you, lucky escape and yipee for that...you still got time to meet someone else over the weekend and in the UK, the weathers going to be good.
DO NOT let this pull you down xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): If you had mentioned the fact that you'd would feel more comfortable driving during the daytime for now; that would have made him see the more practical side. Plus it wouldn't appear you're avoiding him.
He's a big-boy! He'll get over it. You set a sensible boundary which sends a reasonable message. "Thank you, no! Just for now." Which is appropriate when you hardly know the man. It also let him know you're on your toes, and don't easily tip backwards.
Be a grownup and standby your reasoning. However; things are better "said," than implied. That's how people get to know you and what you stand for.
You overruled his invitation, without explaining why.
That's where texting gets in the way of proper conversation and communication. You can speak more spontaneously, and offer clarification. There is little left to be misinterpreted or misunderstood.
You have every right to set the terms of how a man gets to know you. Compromise comes once you're more familiar, and trust has been earned.
Don't cancel. You're not wrong. All things in good time.
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