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female
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*londie123
writes: hi,I have been married for 3 years, together for 8 years. my problem is that after just one year of marriage i found texts on my husbands phone to another woman, i dont even know why i looked. He was telling her to come to his place of work so he could do naughty things to her and mentioned getting a room again. obviousley i was sick and iam shaking now thinking about it. i confronted him straight away when he them told me that the whole thing was a wind up and that he had never had a relationship with the other woman just texts for a joke!. I spoke to the woman the next day and she said they never had an affair. i still dont know to this day the truth. I feel bitterly confused ive never told any one about this and now feel that i can't trust him although he has never given me any reason not to before or after this. please help
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (6 April 2006):
 When this happened originally you obviously accepted his explanation, probably because you couldn't prove otherwise and brushed the whole thing under the carpet. This got rid of the problem for him, and he had a lucky escape.(sorry but these messages were more than a joke) but you have made youreslf suffer for two years because you never really believed him or got to the bottom of it.You never got what you needed at the time, the truth, and deep down you know it! You have therefore lost the security of trust in your relationship.
You say before this you had no reason to doubt him and he has done nothing since to make you believe you have anything to worry about, maybe this woman and the texting was a one off.
I think it's a little late to drag this up again, so if I was you I'd let it go now, you are beating yourself up emotionally day after day for something you will never really know the truth about, had you acted differently at the time you could have maybe got to the bottom of it, but I find it highly unlikely that you will now.
The only other option you have is to bring this up again and tell your husband how you are feeling, tell him(if it's the case) that whatever the truth is your marriage is safe, but you need to know exactly what happened with this woman, it may be difficult for you, you may not hear what you want and it could be a painful process, you have to ask yourself if it's worth rocking the boat now?
Personally I would try and move on from it, accept in your mind it happened and its now time to get over it.
Good luck.x
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (5 April 2006):
 I am so sorry but I really dont think this has been a joke. Why would he even be sending texts like this is a *jokey* manner unless there was some heavy duty flirting (minimum) going on? I do not think you are overeacting in any way. This issue has not been addressed properly for you. He ahs dismissed it andyour concerns by not volunteering the whole truth to you.
He mentioned getting a room *AGAIN*, I am sorry but this is ringing some major alarm bells here! AGAIN, it s that word I really dont like. If it had said *getting a room* I could perhaps believe him, but again? No I am sorry I would not be accepting being fobbed off.
I think you ahve a lot of thinking and a lot of talking to do. You need to make up your mind how you would take it if he did confess anyhting to you. Would you stay or go? Then you need to confront him again.
Ask him to do you the decency of telling you the whole truth. Tell him how disturbed you are by this. Tell him even if he didnt do anything physical with this woman he needs to own up to the fact even sending these texts a year into your marriage was not appropriate. He needs to apologise even if its just for that.
Dont let him turn this into your problem. This is of his making and if your relationship is to have any chance it is something that you need to work thru together. Get professional help, a good counseller can mediate between you and help each of you understand the others point of view properly....instead of just hearing the accusation and anger.
Good luck
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): Sweetie... are you worrying yourself about something that happened 2 years ago? I know it's not the sort of a thing you can forget... but, if you are saying he has not given you a reason before or after this, then maybe you should let bygones be bygones. I want to believe nothing happened between your husband and that woman. Maybe nothing did… maybe they were just flirting, which is very wrong. But, I guess you just need to forgive and forget now. If I was you, I would feel the same way you are feeling… but you did all you can about this. You confronted your husband; you talked to that woman… I know it’s difficult, but, just try to forget it all.
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