A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a drinking problem and likes to stay out later than I think is right especially on weekday nights. Things haven't been going well for us and on Monday we decided that he should stay in the camper for a little while. On Thursday morning I had an emergency and needed to get a hold of him. I called him several times and he didn't answer. I went to the camper and he wasn't there. His vehicle was still at the bar from the night before. This is at 6:00 in the morning. I have my two children with me because I couldn't take them to school yet. When he finally answered his phone he did not want to tell me where he was at. When he finally told me I went to pick him up. He didn't want to tell me whose house it was either until I said that I would go pound on the door until someone answered.It is a single female lady who is known around the town to randomly take men home. So when I found that out I was very angry. He said that nothing happened. He was still very intoxicated when I picked him up. We talked for quite a while but I realized it was getting me no where because he was still drunk from the night before. We have been together for 9 years and I have never questioned if he would cheat on me. I have always trusted him but a couple months ago I cheated on him (and yes I regret it) and he found out. So my question is.... Did he cheat on me??? And would he do it just to get back at me for what I did to him???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): "We always fight about it and he says that he will change and it won't happen again, but guess what it always happens again. I've told him a million times that this is his last chance."
OK, look, you've basically undermined your own credibility. You're proven that every time you say you're giving him one last chance, it's not really the last chance it's actually chance number 1,000,001 ...he knows it's just an empty threat and he really doesn't need to change. You basically have lost all bargaining power by now. if you're not prepared to leave him for real (and I mean divorce), then don't make silly empty threats like "this is the last chance" (or else, what? apparently.... nothing) or it just lowers you in his eyes even more!! Say what you mean, and mean what you say. To do anything else is dishonest (to yourself as well), and the other person will figure you out like your hb has, and played it to his advantage. If you're going to talk tough, you had better be prepared to follow through on the consequences you claim will happen if the other party disrespects your agreement. if you're actually not prepared to take serious catastrophic action, then dont' further undermine yourself by saying things that you know you're not going to do. otherwise it leads to this endless treadmill: him saying he will change yet he doesn't, and you saying this is his last chance yet it isn't. BOTH of you are failing to keep your promises.
One person cannot fix a relationship by themselves. If your hb isn't actively doing his part to improve the relationship - such as by keeping his promises to change - there's nothing you can do except to just live with it and quietly take whatever crap he throws your way. Which is what you've been doing, it looks like. So the next thing is that maybe you should ask yourself if it's better to live like this forever if need be, or to divorce and thereby free yourself from all the hope and expectation that he may some day change.
Right now you've only been myopically focused on one path - staying married to him no matter what he does or does not do and hoping he will reward you by not hurting you so much anymore some day. But this isn't working. You cannot change someone else, you just can't. The only person you have any control over is yourself. why not open up your mind to create more viable and realistic options for your future that do not depend on what he does or does not do anymore.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband has always been a heavy drinker. And the drinking has always been known to cause problems for us. He drinks too much and stays out late, says and does mean and hurtful things, and then can't even remember anything in the morning. I'm just supposed to act like it didn't even happen. We always fight about it and he says that he will change and it won't happen again, but guess what it always happens again. I've told him a million times that this is his last chance. I guess I've always had hope that things would change and maybe I need to realize that they aren't going to.As for him moving out for a while. It was a joint decision. I didn't kick him out. We both decided that it would be for the best because neither of us know what to do anymore. We have tried seeing a counselor, the fighting and making up, the not saying anything and letting it blow over. But nothing has worked so we did this as a last resort. He still sees the kids and I every day. We are trying to rebuild our friendship knowing we need to be friends before we can be successful at being husband and wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): he most definitely cheated on you. there's no doubt about that. and it may have been for revenge purposes, or it may have been that since you cheated on him, it damaged the relationship so badly that things have gotten so unhappy, he in turn cheated due to the unhappiness. there's really no telling what caused him to cheat. regardless, the outcome is still the same. he spent the night with another woman. he needs to grow up and admit the truth so you two can decide where to go from here. the longer he continues this blatant lie, the longer you two can't decide what's best for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): Yes he definitely cheated on you. Why else would he have gone home from the bar with this woman (who is known for being loose with men) and furthermore tried so hard to not let you find out that he was at her house? there's no other explanation. Furthermore, you had cheated on him before, and you had thrown him out of the house making him stay in the camper. Why should he be faithful to you when this is how you treat him? do you think it's fair?
of course he's going to lie to you and say nothing happened. It's because he's not dumb, he knows that if he told the truth you would get even more angry at him and make his life even more miserable. But I think you would be very foolish to believe that he didn't do anything with her, given that (a) you cheated on him so that's already giving him free rein to do the same back at you, and (b) you kicked him out of the house, so why should he owe you anything anymore.
he also drinks a lot, which men do as a coping mechanism when they can't escape their miserable lives. Your husband obviously feels that his life is miserable (maybe you are part of the reason, maybe not) and he's just doing whatever takes away his misery temporarily and provides some momentary relief.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 From reading your letter I'd definitely say that things need to change in your life. The only person who knows the answer to your question however, is your husband and I suggest you ask him again when he's sobered up but without any drama as that will get you nowhere. Talking about it rationally and without voices raised is always the best way.
Can I ask... did you husband still drink too much before you cheated on him? Maybe it was his drinking too much that led to your infidelity...? If you want to talk some more about this then feel free to send me an email if you don't want to elaborate here.
There's really no point in me elaborating about whether he's cheated or not as it would only be speculation. The best person to ask is hubby I'm afraid.
~Eve~
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