A
female
age
41-50,
*ickey75
writes:hi, my ex boyfriend and I have been apart for a month now. i saw him yesterday and asked if we could go for coffee some time. he said, yes. i later called him and was honest about my feelings. i told him that i wanted to take baby steps and maybe get back what we once had. he told me that he wasn't there yet because he has issues of his own to deal with. he decided that it would be best not to go for coffee after all. have i totally ruined all chances of ever being with him? does it seem like i had a chance but totally ruined it? please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (20 September 2009):
 You can't go back and change the past. You can only deal with what has happened. I see more positive than negative in regards to what happened.
Did you ruin your chances with this guy? Time will tell if you even had a chance. If this would have been enough to kill your chances, then you didn't have much of a chance anyway.
So what is the positive? The fact that you were open and honest about how you feel. He would have been going to the cafe w/ a different mind set than you. Had you not shared your feelings, then you would have been waiting and wondering what he is thinking, possibly dragging your life along hoping he says what you want him to say. You could have wasted a lot of your life wondering and hoping because your true feelings were kept inside.
Now, he knows exactly how you feel which means he will process his emotions based on your true feelings. Now, if he decides to go out again, then it is very likely that he has processed his emotions and they are favorable to you two working on getting back together. Which is what you want.
Do you really want to be just friends? Would it be torture for you to keep seeing this guy wondering what he is thinking inside? Wondering if he sees things the way you see things?
You want to try again, so you should contact this guy in a week or so if he hasn't called you. Talk to him about what is on his mind. Ask him if there is any chance of you two maybe working it out (taking baby steps whatever.) Don't pressure him, just ask "So what chance do you see of us trying again or should I just forget about it?" Hopefully he will be honest with you and you can acertain where you stand in his mind. That way, you stop wondering and either move on, or keep investing energy into this relationship hoping it will work out.
Good Luck
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