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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: im really confused!! i really dont know what to do, did my boyfriend rape me?! or is it down to me, ive been with him for just three months, not long i know, but i thought i loved him, i thought i was ready for sex, hes 17 and im 16. last friday, i was supposed to be stoppin at his, we were watchin tv in his bed all cuddled up and stuff as we did most of the time, and he said 'was you serious bout sex the other night babe' cos we spoke about it and i told him i was ready. and i wa like 'yeah why' he was like 'you seriously feel youre ready?' so i was like 'yeah, well were in quite a good relationship now arent we?' and he was like 'yeah sure' we were kist kissing and stuff and it kinda happened.. but just before he put his self inside me, i couldnt do it. i realised then that i was not ready and i asked him to get off of me, i remember him whispering 'you said were ready babe' i whispered back 'please just get off me' and he ignored me. i know he heard me cause he looked at me but then he carried on, we ended up having sex anyway, but when we were half way through i started crying, it was hurting, and even after this he carried on, we went on for about 15 minutes and when he finally got off me i just got dresed and walked home, he started followin me up the street but i just shouted '***** just leave it yeah!' and he stopped. i went home and cried! but did i bring this on my self or was he out of order?! i havnt seen him since friday, are we over do you think? please help me. x
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male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Let me give you another perspective. This was a LONG time ago. We were in our teens (18 and 19), and we had been together for about six months. Both of us said we were ready. Long foreplay, we're both sure we want to go ahead (yes), got started, I actually got into her, and JUST THEN she suddenly yelled to STOP.
Stopping then was one of the hardest damned things I've ever done in my life.
But I did it.
I couldn't go ahead if she wasn't willing. It's just WRONG. Even if she says yes right up to that point, EITHER partner has the right to change their mind at any point and the other should respect it.
In all fairness, I believe that the partner who calls a halt does have a responsibility to to be sensitive to the emotional turmoil they have just caused the other one, and to treat the whole situation tenderly. To talk it out and reach a resolution that both of the partners feel good about. But it is NEVER OK to go ahead if your partner says NO.
Rape? Maybe. Wrong? DEFINITELY! This guy violated everything that love is supposed to be about. He's probably immature, but I'm not sure he can be salvaged if he's that insensitive to a partner's needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): OK, here's my opinion even though I'm only 12. OK, if it went the way you said it did, and he awsked you and you said you were ready and stuff, then, that part wasn't rape. You asked for it (in a good way), and he gave ti to you But the SECOND you told him you didn't want it, he should've stopped! That part was rape! tell your oparents, and break up with him!! I would hate him for that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): If you get strange emotions or have difficult dealing with the situation you've been through, then please get in touch with these experts, they understand and have the knowledge to provide you with the best support and advice.
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Good luck to you I think you made the right choice. I think you should forget about sex for the moment, untill you feel better about the whole situation. Put two people together, get them kissing and cuddling, agreements are made and people change their minds. What he did was wrong, and the fact that he continued even though you said stop and was crying, is evidence that he knew you did not consent so he should have stopped. At the point where consent is withdrawn that's when it becomes Rape. This is a very unfortunate situation for men and a heavy burden to bear.
Please stop having sex for a while, untill your a little mature. You now know your not ready, and for you and any guy your with at the moment, things could turn out wrong again. Sorry he hurt you and I'm sorry he was mean. Please take care of you and please make sure you so much in love that you'll know your ready next time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): That sounds like a very wise decision to me.
I wish you the best of luck for the future, which you'll hopefully spend with someone rather more sensitive and whose behaviour is more controlled.
Hopefully he's learned a valuable lesson that when a girl says no, that's exactly what she means. I for one do not subscribe to the view that when a girl says no she means yes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didnt mean to start a debate
cupidguy i understand you think i may have egged him on and waited until the last minute but i did genuinely think i was ready,
anyway its happened and its over now. im not getting back with him so it doesnt really matter,
thanks for all your advice :D x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): I don't agree with what he did, and I really lost most of my sympathy for his situation when you said you started crying. But at the same time, it's not right to group your BF in with a "rapist" as most people know it. There are "rapists" in jail for breaking into strangers' houses at night and duct taping their mouths shut to keep them from screaming for help before he was finished. Your BF isn't exactly in that category. If you put a 16yo girl into the bed with her longtime BF, make them both get naked, and get her all wound up with hormones, then people generally tend to cut her some slack for having some temporarily impaired sexual judgement under those covers. I think this guy deserves that much of a break. He's not a wound-up 16yo girl, but he was an equally wound-up 16yo boy. He had total spelled-out-loud permission and encouragement for the whole situation right up until the line.But he was still in the wrong. This incident should not just slide now. It's time for some serious talk and thinking about you and him. And one more thing: Please don't REWARD him for doing this with more sex now.Don't forget that the whole thing happened because you didn't feel ready to start having sex yet. And the whole reason it's a problem is because he did it anyway. Don't reward this wrong that was done to you by carrying on as if it's time to start sleeping with him since you "already did it once." It wasn't YOU that decided to do it that time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): this was definatly rape! I cant understand why people are saying this was your fault. I feel the men on here stating that are almost as sick as the man who raped you. Your a 16 year old child who at the last minute decided you wernt ready for your 1st time. Not someone playing games or teasing. You said no. You cried. Your so called boyfriend carried on regardless of this. Please tell your parents about this now!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Hey cupidguy
I called you out because having been in that situation myself I *know* how it leaves you feeling when you are on the receiving end. I know the confusion, the pain (physical and emotional) that it leaves you in. I know the guilt and shame that you feel afterwards, even though you have tried to prevent it happening. I know the hurt and anger and betrayal that you feel when someone you love and who says that they love you doesn't take no for an answer.
It was this young ladies first time and she said no before penetration and he continued. She was crying in pain and upset and he continued. These are not the actions of a thoughtful or pleasant young man. How can someone see the tears and hear the pain in someones voice and still carry on in order to meet their own gratification? To inflict pain and then knowingly *continue* to inflict that pain on someone so that their own pleasure isn't interrupted? That isn't just selfish, it's sick and it's wrong.
The human libido is not a runaway train that cannot be stopped - you yourself say that when faced with a similar situation you stopped. I have respect for you for this. This young man exercised no such control, not even when faced with the tearful evidence of how unpleasant his actions were.
This young lady wasn't a basket case who flip-flopped all the time, she was a young girl who thought she was ready but realised she wasn't, and said so twice *before* intercourse took place and he ignored her wishes in favour of his own gratification. Yes, relationships are a two way street, but that two way street must involve consent and acceptance of the *withdrawl* of consent, especially when consent is withdrawn BEFORE the actual act has taken place.
My concern (after, of course, the well being of this young lady) would be that this young man be able to understand that his behaviour was not acceptable and that no doesn't mean "What the hell, do it anyway", that your partner sobbing in pain is not an indicator that it's ok to just carry on and most of all that he doesn't do this to any other young woman. That he doesn't take this as a "green light" to again press his attentions on any other young woman who says no to sex as he thinks there will be no consequences.
I'm sorry for being so angry at you, but as someone who has been in her shoes...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Cupidguy, I can't agree more with what you said. I read the whole thing a while ago and had 'a lot' of negative feelings when I did, not because of the subject itself as much as about deep stuff behind it. You said a part of what I felt and wanted to say my friend, and you have my respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all very much for your advice, its greatly appreciated, thanks to cupidguy, but its not as if im a basket case, and i don't change my mind often, it was both our first times and i was scared at the last minute, but it happened anyway so does it even matter. thanks again though people xxx
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female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (3 July 2008):
It wasn't your fault and everyone on here who says it was is wrong. Even if you were in the middle of it No always means no and he should be able to stop. Animals dont rape eachother it doesn't work that way in the animal kingdom. Only humans do that to eachother because a female animal can only fit a male animal in her when she is aroused due to ovulation.
As far as it being over sweetie you need to find a guy who takes no for an answer. When me and my fiance have sex if I get anything that even looks like a look of pain he instantly wants to stop until I tell him that it only hurt for a minute. Find a man that really loves you becasue a man that really loves you wouldn't be able to stand to see you cry.
Mostly just remember that it wasn't your fault he is just a bad guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Did you bring this on yourself? Yes you did.
Was he out of order? Yes he was.
Sure, he should have stopped when you told him to, but on the other hand his animal instinct had taken over once you'd got your knickers off and opened you legs, and a herd of wild horses would have had difficulty pulling him off you.
You simply don't lead a bloke up the garden path like this without there being serious repercussions. He's now scratching his head wondering what the hell happened and why one second you agreed to sex and the next refused it.
Call it rape if you like, but I'd call it an unfortunate set of circumstances and a total lack of communication. I hope you learn from it. You could get quite a name for yourself amongst the male population if you do this again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): Hey, Cupidguy, she said NO! She said that she wanted him to get off her BEFORE he started - TWICE and he ignored her wishes to suit his own. He hurt her so much that she was crying and HE STILL CARRIED ON! No matter what she said before, she has a right to change her mind and he has to respect that. If you say no, or I can't do this, or I don't want to, that means STOP! If your partner is crying and distressed by what is happening that means STOP! To do otherwise is RAPE! Sure, it's not a stranger snatching you from behind on a dark street, but it is still sexual intercourse against your wishes which is RAPE and rape comes in many forms and it is WRONG no matter what way it happens.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): You didn't bring it on yourself, hun. The minute you said no he should have stopped. The fact that you hadn't even started yet makes him even more of a swine (if such a thing were possible). He treated you selfishly and cruelly and showed no respect for you, your body or your feelings. You need to speak to someone, and soon. If you don't want to talk to your parents find a teen support group in your area and go and see them as soon as possible. You need help and support with this, and shouldn't try and handle it on your own.
As for not seeing him since last Friday, well keep it that way. If he hasn't finished with you then YOU should finish with him. He is not a good person. A good person would not have done that to you. Please, talk to your parents or a teen support counsellor, or call Childline on 0800 1111 or go to their website www.childline.org.uk. But remember, what he has done to you is very, very, VERY wrong AND IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!
Majorly big hugs to you, sweetness, and let us know how you get on. xxx
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 he was way out of order hunny, rape is forced unwanted sexual intercourse, and the minute you asked him to stop he should have. i think that you need to tell your parents what happened - even if you are scared they need to know. this guy may do this again and it may get worse. what he did was awful and wrong and he needs to punished for wat he took away from you.
like i said babe you need to talk to someone, if you wanna talk to me just email me id be glad to help you. you didnt bring this on yourself hun, he did this.
email me if you wanna talk good luck xxx
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