A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. Keep it simple. I've been with my boyfriend just over four years. We've always had a good sex life but never really experimented with anal play. This was due to a previous experience I had when I lost my virginity with a different partner. He decided one day he wanted to do anal and without my consent decided he was going to force it in basically. A lot of pain and arguments later it put me off as you can imagine. My current boyfriend has always wanted to but I've always declined and he's respected my wishes. He has tried on the odd occasion with a finger after getting caught up in the moment but he's always listened when I've said no. Recently I decided that I wanted to maybe experiment in that area as I didn't want to let that bad experience with a guy that didn't respect me possibly ruin something that I may enjoy. My current boyfriend is kind, gentle and I know he would respect my wishes. I can't say I completely enjoyed it but I wasn't exactly relaxed. I said to my boyfriend about how it was okay and tried to explain how it does feel strange. In the end I said well why don't you see what it's like and then you would understand. Thinking he would never ever let me do that I was quite suprised when he parted his legs slightly whilst I was giving him oral sex. He allowed me lube him and allowed me to use my index finder inside him. He let me do this until he orgasmed, even after I stopped for a little bit he allowed me to re enter him afterwards. Afterwards he got all embarrassed about it and muttered about how he didn't like it. Basically I'm unsure now as to what to do. His body language in his turned on state gave off all of the signals that he enjoyed it. Afterwards he verbally says he didn't enjoy it.What would you do in future circumstances? Try again or take his word and leave that well alone. He's always been into trying anal play on me and he gets really turned on by that. So now it's going me wondering whether he may enjoy it himself.
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lost my virginity, oral sex, orgasm, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): my guess is that he did enjoy it, I know I do but he is embarised that he liked it and dose not want toy to think he is gay, guys can fear that a lot. if you want to try it again, just go slow and he will come around. once he knows he can trust you not to hold it against him he will love you doing it to him more. best sexual experance of my life is my wife fucking me with a strapon and giving me multiple orgasms. never had anything any where near as intnce.
A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (9 April 2014):
Hi,
I think you are best to leave it for a while. See if things move on to it on another time in the future. I'm not keen on it myself, if I'm honest. (just me!)
Perhaps a tickle may be a good start in the future but not any penetration. That could be a start, but not everyone does it and it doesn't have to be a problem.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Leave it alone for now but watch his body language in the future... my husband often enjoys it but NOT always so I just watch for the body language that says he wants penetration... a spreading of the legs and a slight lift of the hips usually means... "yes please go there.."
I agree that most men especially younger men think that if they are turned on by anal play it means they are gay or bi. Nope, it means their prostate is being stimulated.
You can do that with an external massage under his scrotum as well....
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I think a lot of guys, no matter what their sexual orientation, really enjoy the anal play. Give him some time to absorb this new experience. Maybe even do some research on this erogenous zone, so that you can allay any fears he may have about it. Being turned on by anal play has nothing to do with being gay, straight or bisexual. It's just an erogenous zone on his body, and you two could make the best of it, when he becomes comfortable again.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Anal play has always confused me. As a physiologist I see that area of the body as specific to one function i.e. an exit rather an an entrance. I tried it once, many moons ago, while drunk and stoned and it was "meh". Incidentally, he didn't enjoy a finger going while receiving oral.
Since then one other partner tried and I was so tense/ he was too big that it was outright painful and caused bleeding.
I discussed this with a male gay friend who described the sensation as feeling like the need to defecate. Hardly orgasmic, but I suppose it's an individual thing, some like it more than others.
Kudos to your guy for being open (pardon the pun) enough to try it, but if he didn't enjoy it completely and neither did you, then leave well alone. If it doesn't turn you on and it's unenjoyable, that's all you need to know. If he asks again, offer him a courgette rather than a finger ;)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I'd leave well enough alone, if you two are comfortable enough with each other to express your feelings and desires, then he'll let you know if he would like something like that again. You could say 'well, if you ever want to try it again I'm good with it.'
As for you, if you don't want anal play or anal penetration be clear and firm about that. It's your body.
Men have a prostate gland that can be stimulated through the anus in a way that can be very pleasurable. What do you find pleasurable? Be sure he knows! :)
Some women like penis in anus penetration, some don't. If you don't like it, you don't have to say 'yes.' Anal sex is not a requirement for a happy sex life.
Relax, you tried something new for him, it was different and it doesn't mean you have to press on that until you get some crystallized 'YES IT WAS GREAT' or 'NO I"M NEVER EVER DOING THAT AGAIN' type of answer. Think of it as more of a 'maybe' and don't stress too much about it. Do not pressure or force or get obsessed with it, like your ex apparently did.
P.S. Your ex was basically a rapist. Sorry you put up with him long enough to even have arguments about it. Yuck.
Take his word for it, leave it alone and if he decides one day to ask for something like that, well then decide if you are comfortable with that.
If you don't enjoy anal play, then make that clear. If he pressures you for it, then leave him. Sorry, that simple.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I'd leave it for a bit. Wait til he has digested the idea of it, and wait til he ASKS you for it again on his own account.
I think MANY guys are afraid of being looked at as "gay" if they enjoy "anal play". Penetration is for some about domination. Where as you see it as OH another way to pleasure my man, he might see it as him being the submissive and not all guys can let themselves BE the submissive in that way.
I think however it's fair enough that he LET you try it on him, so he can perhaps understand why it wasn't a great thing for you. With that being said, I think GENERALLY men get more out of "anal play" then women, because they can get their prostate stimulated through the anus, women can't.
If you are not a fan of anal sex or play on YOU, be honest about it. I have no idea why everyone thinks ANAL has to be part of the sexual repertoire. It's not for everyone.
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