A
female
age
36-40,
*iamondEyes00
writes:Disclaimer: This is long but I really need advice and help. Please!I'm having a hard time letting go of my ex boyfriend. We were together for 20 months and just broke up last Sunday. We were living together the past 2.5 months. He was my first love and the guy I gave my virginity to. We also had a lot of plans for the future; to move to a different city together, do business, etc. and now that is all gone... The reasons we broke up are because I hated his porn use, his refusal to give it up and my lack of trust in him. To give you a backstory, I made him wait to have sex 7 months into our relationship. He would watch porn 5-6 times a week for most of our relationship and he told me that when we started having sex, he would give it up. Well, he never did and we would end up fighting about porn about once a month. He would complain that our sex life was boring and that he would only give it up once our sex life was as satisfying as the porn. He was mad that we were always arguing about the same thing so I put up with this for 10 months. So when we moved in together, even though we were together everyday, we would only have sex 2-3 times a week but he would be watching porn 4-5 times a week. When I brought this up, he said he would work on it. He cut down to 2-3 times a week and we started having sex 4-5 times a week.After about 2 weeks of this, we ended up getting into another fight where I told him I was resenting him for his porn use. I told him how it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him and he gave the following reasons for continuing to use it: "I wasn't confident enough, our proportions prevented us from doing certain positions/i'm overweight, he was doing most of the work, we couldn't be loud because we have roommates." He also said that he enjoys porn because he gets to fantasize about being with different women without actually cheating on me. He then made me a promise that he would give it up for a month to make me happy. Since I have trust issues and am basically paranoid, I would snoop on him sometimes to see how much he was watching it. There were times I wouldn't want to leave the apartment because I knew he would watch it as soon as I left and that's what happened. For 10 days he was the perfect boyfriend, doing all of these nice things for me and not watching porn but then after 10 days he ended up watching it and I was upset. He admitted to doing it but knew that I had been spying on him. We ended up fighting for 3 hours but basically came to an agreement that he would just work on it and that it would get better. He said that he would never stop enjoying porn but that he would be able to only watch it once in a blue moon. A week later, he was trying to get me to leave the apartment, saying he was feeling smothered and that we were spending ALL of our free time together. I was only working one day a week and I did spend most of my time in the apartment, or if I did run errands, I would do it while he was at work. However, It felt like he was trying to get me to leave so he could watch porn so I told him that I felt that way and at first he was silently pissed but then he ended up blowing up at me. He started yelling at me and for the first time in our relationship, called me nasty names. He also said I was the clingiest, neediest, emotionally irrational person he has ever known but that all women were that way. I ended up getting really mad since he was being an asshole and left him alone for the rest of the day.When I came back, he was still mad at me. Basically, he said that I really hurt him and that if I was going to act like this after all the effort and time he was putting in to make me happy, that the relationship was no longer worth it. He said I was being ungrateful and that I should be happy that our only issue was his porn, which he didn't see as a big deal. I broke down and basically told him that I loved him but for the long term, I could not be happy or accept that he watches porn for the rest of his life. At first, he said if breaking up was what I wanted then that was fine and then he eventually started to agree with me. At that point, he completely shut down and basically started getting annoyed that we were talking still. He wouldn't even kiss me goodbye when we were breaking up and I was basically leaving. I told him I would pick up all of my stuff the next day and when I told him I loved him, he told me that he would always love me. The next day I picked up all of my stuff with my dad and left the keys. He texted me later that night saying he felt horrible for shutting down and that if I had anything else to say to him, he would listen. He told me that I was special and that he would love me forever. I texted him back that we could meet whenever he was free and he never texted or contacted me back. I checked on Facebook before I deactivated it and saw that he had a few sad posts but that he is going out to bars with his best bro and friending slutty looking girls already. Even though I know I need to be alone right now to sort through my own issues, I miss him so much. I can't help but feel like I'm the one who messed everything up and him not getting back to me makes me feel like he doesn't even care... What was the point in texting me? What should I do? What do you guys think?
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female
reader, DiamondEyes00 +, writes (21 January 2013):
DiamondEyes00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really want to thank everyone for their advice and their feedback of everything. It's been a little over a month since we broke up but I'm starting to feel better about myself and my decision and it is with time that I have been able to have clarity. I've spoken with many of my guy friends about this situation, ones who even watch porn themselves and even they agreed that my ex's habits were excessive. His porn habits were not harmless as they were affecting me and our relationship directly. I think that any relationship where you have to compromise your values, the way you feel about yourself or have to turn a blind eye to something that really bothers or upsets you is not a relationship worth staying in. If we only get to live this one life, then there's no point in settling for what makes you unhappy. It has not been easy at all. At times I even find myself still crying about the situation, but in the long run, I know it will be better for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): Been married 18 years. In the first year of marriage I discovered he used porn. Like many of you I was devastated. He promised he would stop. But he didn't as I kept finding it. I lost trust him and emotionally detached from him. Over the years I just stopped thinking about it because I didn't want to. Beyond the first few times I stopped looking for it or checking up on him.I just didn't want to find more and I knew the futility of trying to stop someone doing something they want to do. You could say I buried my head in the sand.And you know what. He has been a good husband. He takes care of me, he is always doing thoughtful and kind and considerate things. We've been married 18 years and he still sends me romantic flowers and cards randomly. He takes care of our family and my elderly parents. He is not controlling or possessive. He supports my career he has even made sacrifices to his career for mine. He protects me. He makes me laugh and smile. And yes a year ago I accidentally found porn again. I don't kid myself i know he has been using it all along. Is that an addiction? If it wasnt obvious then no ibdont think it is. An addiction is different. Addiction to anything is bad whether it be alcohol or food or work or sex. You can be a lifelong consumer of something (like food) without being addicted to it.Do it didnt bother me nearly as much this time because now there has now been 17 years in between full of great memories which have secured my faith and trust in him. I have done my share of things that hurt him so I don't get to play the victim. I have also seen some porn myself and it just doesnt seem like a big deal anymore its just voyeuristic. Romance movies are voyeuristic too. And he isn't into the sick stuff just vanilla type. But yeah he hides it because 17 years ago i threw such a huge fit about it and shut down towards him over it. I dont mid it so much now because he is a good husband and a good person. To say that this one thing he does in private should define the entire relationship and negate everything that is good, is just nuts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): I can't believe some of the replies on here. And they're from women! Telling the original poster to lose weight then everything will be picture perfect is simply ridiculous. She will not suddenly be ok with porn just by working out.
Original poster, I think you did the right thing. You have an issue with porn and he doesn't. You did yourself a favor by leaving him. In all honesty he sounds like a very immature, selfish boy. I call him a boy because a real man would not treat you like this. Don't let ANYONE make you feel second best or worthless. You are not. And don't let anyone tell you you're wrong because you hate porn. I can't stand it myself, and I would rather be alone than with someone who watches it. If a man is single then I understand why they would watch it. But when they choose it over a willing girlfriend, well frankly that is just stupid in my opinion.
So hold your head up girl. Know that you did the right thing for yourself. Cut him out of your life completely and move on.
Best wishes to you x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): I am so shocked by some of the female responses. This man is not worth your time and love. He is so far into his addiction that I guarantee there is even more that you probably don't realize, like interactive web camming, etc.. It gets to a point where these men become obsessed with being turned on by nasty trashy girls that cater to their dark thoughts and fantasies. When a guy gets most of his sexual release by looking or interacting with other girls online, he is cheating. When the girl in a guy's life is no longer the center of his desires and affections, there is no longer a relationship.....she has for the most part been replaced as his lover. A girl needs to leave when she is in that situation. There is no intimacy and no relationship. Guys who do this are prisoners of their most primitive part of their brains. They show complete lack of self control. They remind me of lab rats that given something that causes pleasure will eventually reduce themselves to a crazed rat that will ignore everything else and keep hitting that lever obsessively trying to get another fix. How barbaric. What lack of sophistication. Leaving this relationship was the smartest thing you could do. He's not dating material. As much as it hurts, you will one day look back and be thankful that you dodged a bullet by not marrying him. Just be careful when you do move on and not pick the same kind of guy. Btw, I'm speaking from experience. I broke up with my bf 7 wks ago after 2 yrs together because of porn and it's affects on our relationship. It hurt so much and I missed him so much, but, I think of what a life with him would have been like and it gives me strength to continue moving forward and fight the urge to go back. It's getting better with time. He has been taking the break-up much harder. He knew how I felt about it and still couldn't stop. He just lied about it and tried to hide it. I don't think he thought I would seriously leave...but I did. We have to do what's best for us and sometimes it hurts and requires strength. People underestimate the effects of this problem, but it has become epidemic and it's devastating relationships. Keep strong. You did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Porn is only harmless if both people know and accept it and it doesn't get any side effects. I don't like it being used in a relationship. I know at least two women who know their boyfriends are at, don't care one bit, don't know why.
Any normal bloke will know those women are acting, they aren't really like that in bed. They have sat in make-up and hair for 4 hours, they have special lighting to hide blemishes. Those men that think it's real are the most annoying. Most of them women are probably on meth and look like sh*t without make-up on. What normal person has sex on camera for money?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 December 2012):
 "I get that you dislike it but he likes it and it doesn't take away his time or attention from you so why cant you leave him alone? How exactly is he hurting you? He isnt."
She spent several paragraphs explaining how it hurt her. Just because he can get it up and isn't physically abusing her doesn't mean he isn't badly hurting her emotionally. Seriously, from the sound of it, it sounds borderline mentally abusive to me. He knows it makes her feel awful so rather than try to help her, he deliberately puts her in direct competition with it and makes her know about it to manipulate her.
Here's a list of how he's manipulated you WITH porn.
-He knows it makes you insecure, refuses to cut porn (knowing this) and threatens to break up with you if you don't stop being so insecure. This is like if you poke someone in the eye and then threaten them if they don't stop crying.
-He knows you are feeling insecure from both yourself and his porn use, so he uses that to his advantage to say that if you try to force him to give up porn, he will cheat on you. He also rubs salt on the wound by telling you he uses porn to do exactly what you feel bad about (pretend he's cheating).
-He manipulates you with sex by claiming that he only watches it because you're lousy in bed. (as a note, you are NOT lousy in bed, he's watching porn because he has such a strong compulsion at this point that he can't stop or even reduce porn use and wants to blame you for it. Many habitual porn users desensitize themselves to actual sex with using porn so much, don't let him make you feel like you are bad in bed).
This is not your fault OP, he is a manipulative borderline porn addict. I agree that if he literally can't make it 10 days that's not a good sign. There's really no point in continuing this relationship. He chooses porn over sex and manipulates you with it, relies on sexist stereotypes (and I'm assuming names too) to insult you, and refuses to compromise. I'm curious about what this compromise the other posters are talking about? All I hear is a guy clinging to his porn at the expense of his partner's well-being and relationship.
There are plenty of guys out there who won't use porn, but this guy is probably never going to stop and you should move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Hi there, I've never posted on here before, but your story really stuck a cord with me. My comment may be fairly unpopular with some, but I want to tell you things I think you deserve to hear.
Do not feel ashamed or guilty because you don't like porn. I down right hate it. I dated a kid who was addicted to it for 8 months, and as a result found that his behaviior really did a number on my self-esteem. I'm typically very confident and very confortable with my body, and it took me a year and a loving boy friend to realize that the his expectations for me were unrealistic and that many guys aren't like that. (Years later this old boyfriend came forward and apologized to me for the way he treated me and his harmful behavior -- nice guy, he just struggled).
Now many people are going to tell you that porn is 100% harmless, but that's simply not true. Many relationships/marriagse are troubled becuase of the affects of porn. It's as addicting as many drugs, and often causes a handful of problems in the viewers life, and their relationships. I've done a lot of research on porn and I would stronglly suggest you do the same. Go to fightthenewdrug. org there are lots of resources and facts about the affects of pornography.
You're an amazing girl -- I can tell. I'm sure there were many things in-play about your relationship that caused your break up. But please learn more about the affects of pornography before you start putting all this blame on yourself. Stand your gournd on this one, you're not a terrible person becuase you expect your boyfriend to give you the attention and respect your deserve.
-Baylee
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A
female
reader, Plumb +, writes (8 December 2012):
 I really don't see why women get so worked up about porn.. I personally think it was made into something bigger than it was supposed to be. You felt like you weren't enough when, watching porn wasn't even about you..
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A
female
reader, DiamondEyes00 +, writes (8 December 2012):
DiamondEyes00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem wasn't a small problem, otherwise I doubt it would have made me feel as terrible as I did. It was affecting our sex life in frequency and his expectations. Personally, if a guy is struggling to give up porn for 10 days, I think he has an addiction, don't you think? I know I have issues... I am owning up to those right now but I don't think it's fair to say I never compromised because I tried to accept it. I also put up with him basically telling me I was inadequate sexually and physically and I tried to spice things up; wear outfits, learn new moves, suggesting positions/things to do and I felt like for most of our relationship, instead of him putting effort into us, he put it into his porn. He only started to cut back the last 3 months of our relationship. And yeah, he cut back, but would he have cut back forever? Or would he have gone back to his old ways over time? I get that he has a right to like and want to watch porn, but do you really think that I deserved to be yelled at, called a psycho bitch and basically feel like less of a person when I try to discuss it, just because he's tired of "having the same argument"? Is that someone I could have really had a future with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I would like to add from my experience if a woman does not like porn use in a relationship her boyfriend treating her with love and respect won't change a thing. My ex boyfriend did everything for me, bought me drinks, drove me back and forth etc as soon as I found out he had been looking at porn those things suddenly became irrelevant. I would of easily (I told him this aswell) have taken those things away in exchange for him not having looked at porn. Some people have different priorities to others and I think people here should understand that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): You are right. You trusted him. He took you for granted. Moving on won't be easy but it will be worth it. Don't respond to his texts or calls other than telling him to 'move on' - you'll be glad you did. Losing weight is not as hard as people think (keeping it off might be 'harder') -it's all about having 'healthy habits'.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Hi
I think the fact you were always at home when he was there is enough to drive a person mad. So he watched porn, he reduced it for you,he tried. Explained why he felt he couldn't have sex easily. People hearing you is a big turn off, I think.
Now it seems you still couldn't trust him and he wasn't going to stop watching porn for life for you. SO you two are totally incompatible and once you lived together it was obvious to both of you.
You need to change your thinking,boost your self esteem and exercise more. If you cant find another job then do a course and voluntary work.
Try to be happy in your skin so next time you have a relationship your confident,trusting and independant. Neither of you two are wrong, just chalk and cheese.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I think people who responded earlier missed quite a lot here:-first love /gave my virginity to. / lot of plans for the future;-He would complain that our sex life was boring and that he would only give it up once our sex life was as satisfying as the porn.-I told him how it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him and he gave the following reasons for continuing to use it: "I wasn't confident enough, our proportions prevented us from doing certain positions/i'm overweight, he was doing most of the work, we couldn't be loud because we have roommates."It's not about you disliking porn, he wasn't making you feel like a guy should do, you should feel loved and respected, and you would if he was more concerned about how you feel.. I see him as selfish, you obviously are inexperienced, and if he was having plans for the future for you two to enjoy your sexual life he would have spent more time and energy to make you both enjoy it..but he was turning to porn end expecting you to keep up the porn standards to please him...quite unrealistic, don't you think.... we all have different bodies, and every couple finds it's own favorite positions, while others doesn't work for them..but sex is about giving pleasure and enjoying the intimate time with your loved one...so see he has some wrong ideas about it from the start if he's having such "reasons" for watching porn, basically blaming youHe also might be addicted to pornI do see a lot of your behaviors as problematic..but I feel you are realizing it too, you wanted to make things better just were choosing wrong ways.He wouldn't be better to you if he just stopped watching porn as you thought, he would need to change his whole idea about real life sex and women's part in it... and it's not something you get by asking him to stop watching porn but from asking how to treat youIdeal:If he was making you feel loved sexually you wouldn't be insecure, if he wasn't expecting porn in rl he would would see quality of sex interactions with person he loves and enjoy it more... and you wouldn't be so fussy about him really occasionally watching porn But don't get me wrong I don't blame him a lot, I guess he don't know better -nowhere to learn from? Porn is sold as sex and I know many men mistaking those twoI also see that part about your relationship being serious,moving in together making plans for future..and I guess you were enjoying quite a lot of other things, while not having sex for 7 months ... and I see he was willing to compromise... He obviously cared for youSo from this all I feel you might still have your future together..if he switches his compromising energy from "keep away from porn" to keep closer to you and your intimacy as a couple If you get the chance to get together again, and talk things through he should realize this, and if he becomes aware, and you see he does, you might agree on some ways to work it out, but then don't make same mistakes, trust him, if he promise he won't watch, and does, see it as a ..like short fall out from diet, and encourage him to stay on trackRemember if you're overcoming any issue it doesn't happen over time, change is the process..as long as he agrees on the goal and most of the time going in right direction you are good, working as a team...same as some problems he might have with you..If you don't get back together I hope you have some good things out of the experience, don't feed your insecurities with this, and I wish you luck whatever happens
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (8 December 2012):
"He wouldn't even kiss me goodbye when we were breaking up"
Why on earth did you expect him to kiss you goodbye when you were breaking up? This is real life, not the movies!
You argue with a man for most of the relationship about his porn habits. this man actually tries his damnest to compromise with you, and you don't compromise with him in the least because you are insecure about yourself.
You mentioned your weight was restricting during sexual intercourse. Are you physically fit or not? If you are not physically fit, it will affect not only your physical health and wellbeing, but your mental health and wellbeing as well. Starting and sticking with a regular exercise program could positively improve your self esteem, self confidence, and self worth.
Until you are comfortable with your body and with who you are, your insecurity will be a blight on your relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I get that you dislike it but he likes it and it doesn't take away his time or attention from you so why cant you leave him alone? How exactly is he hurting you? He isnt. Its your insecurity that's hurting you and the problem. You have a right to dislike porn all you want. But you don't have the right to militantly impose a lifestyle change on your bf just to suit yourself when he wasn't doing anything that harms you.
If you NEED your partner to change his beliefs and preferences so you can feel ok about the relationship then it just means you're incompatible. He just isn't the right partner for you but that doesn't make him the bad guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): Yeah I think you broke this relationship because of your zero tolerance for porn. You made a small problem into a big one. I mean he cut back his useage in an effort to please you. You however refused to likewise compromise and demanded he NEVER do it ever again. He compromised, you didn't. That isn't fair to him no wonder he started resenting you and feeling smothered. Its also absurd to refuse to leave the house just to prevent him watching it. That's being controlling to the max. Its also kinda creepy. Again no wonder he felt smothered.But if you simply refuse to re evaluate your feelings on this issue and insist it has to be your way or the high way, well you certainly have the right to do that but realize that isn't going to work for him so it is best for you to go separate ways.
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