A
male
age
36-40,
*AcKeR
writes:I am extremely confused.. My girlfriend and I met in high school and have been dating since senior year. We have now been dating for over 3 years and are both in our third years of college, but go to different colleges miles away. I visit her almost every 2 weeks, but while I'm at college I have been lying to her about drinking and doing drugs and she knows.She says she fell out of love with me over the years because of these lies and because I've been rude and ignored her for almost 2 years because of these habits. I've been living in a dream world where everything is perfect, thinking she'd never leave me. I made her miserable and she kind of spent 2 years trying to forget how sad I made her and I feel horrible for it, but I was addicted and it numbed my feelings. I feel utterly horrible about it now.Well this past week she dropped the bomb and decided that it was best to take a break. Throughout the week I tried to be as calm and collected as possible and give her some space, but I couldn't help but bring my emotions into the situation at times. I quit everything I've ever done cold turkey, and I promised her that I would stop lying and doing this stuff (which I have promised in the past but not kept). She said she just can't believe me because I've lied so much in the past.I panicked and visited her this weekend, which she didn't object to but I felt that she might think it would be awkward..And it was awkward for a while. Friday she seemed very distant. We got along great, and she even says that she knows I'm her best friend, and has lots of fun with me. However, she wouldn't let me touch her and had no interest in touching me in any way. I asked her for a hug once, and she just stood there with her arms limp at her side while I hugged her. She loosened up a bit by nighttime, and I slept over, but we stayed separate in bed and she wouldn't even let me hug her or even touch her in any way; she would squirm away claiming that she was too hot and I was just creating more body heat. However, sometime during the night I woke up to find her hugging me. When I turned, I woke her up and she flipped over and didn't let me touch her again. The next morning she claimed that she had no memory of it happening..Then Saturday she seemed to open up a bit more. In the morning she was still very iffy, but as the day went on she became more open. She let me touch her more often without her caring during the day, and by the end of the night she was openly hugging me and sitting on my lap. Last night when we went to sleep she even sorta cuddled with me, which she's admitted she doesn't even like to do much. Throughout the night whenever I'd wake up I'd still be in position to be hugging her, so she hadn't moved away as she normally does, despite the fact that this night was even hotter than the night before (no "too hot" excuse). Even saturday night, I was checking my text messages and she joked that I was "texting my OTHER girlfriend".This morning she was even affectionate, and she's usually NEVER affectionate in the morning. She's usually cranky in the morning, especially when I'm there because sleeping together usually means a less comfortable sleep for both of us. We cuddled a bit more and gave each other an Eskimo kiss (rubbed noses), and she even let me kiss her on the cheek, but she hasn't kissed me and though I haven't tried to openly kiss her, I don't feel like she'd let me.The problem is.. I've tried to talk to her on both days about her feelings, and both times she's claimed that she still doesn't feel anything. Even while I was crying my eyes out, she'd just look at me with only a slight bit of tear in her eye, or hide her face, and tell me she doesn't know what to do and that she just feels no love, only friendly/family love. She even kinda laughed when I told her about how horrible I felt about what I did to her and that I'd never do it again. During the conversation on Saturday night she brought up that she doesn't like to cuddle, and feels nothing when we hug, but just a few hours later she would be affectionate and give me strong, tight hugs that felt like they really meant something. I've told her that if she doesn't want to be with me as a girlfriend, it would probably be too painful to be "friends" again, at least for a long while. But she asked me about coming home Thanksgiving weekend, but why would I come home to see her if I couldn't take being "just friends" for a long time, if ever? She even asked me about what to get my mom for Christmas. Even if we were friends, I don't think you buy presents for your regular friends' mothers, and she doesn't do this for any of her other friends' moms.On top of all of this, over the last week I spoke to her friend briefly, and she said that she doesn't think my girl would want to actually get rid of me, she just wants to straighten me out, or at least that's what she gathered from talking to her. She was very surprised when I brought up that my girl said she just doesn't feel anything for me any more, but admitted she hadn't talked to her for at least a couple of days. My girl also texted this same friend several times throughout the weekend, and was quite secretive about what she was saying, not letting me see the phone and deleting the messages (not admitting it) when I joked about it.Oh yes, there's also this "other guy" that she only met recently.. However, my girl told me, her best friend (the one i talked to), and her cousin, that she's not really interested in this other guy, though he is interested in her. However, she usually speaks highly of him and talks about all the "great" things he does. Could this be to make me jealous? I don't know.. she joked in the past that she should get another guy so I'd finally be jealous and treat her right, but she is a really nice girl and I don't know if she'd really go through with something like it.So this has me so extremely confused. I know my girl must be just as confused, but I just don't know her intentions. Was this just an elaborate plan to scare me straight? Because if it was, it's definitely working. I don't even want to touch any drugs or booze ever again, no matter what happens with her.. it just made me into a disgusting person. Or is she still extremely confused, and feeling some love towards me but can't trust me? Or does she still flat out not love me? The only thing is she really isn't a touchy-feely person, and I really don't feel like she would want to even touch me (like early on Friday when she refused) if she didn't feel something.. I'm just so confused. This girl has been my life for over 3 years and I love her with every fiber of my being. I am willing to change not only for her, but for myself too (the drugs/alcohol have made me a fat, lazy slob, and generally unlikeable, which I really do want to change). She means everything to me, and I think that I used to mean everything to her, I just ruined it all. Did I ruin it for good? Or is there any hope in this situation? I know you can't force love, and I just want her to be happy. I feel like I can make her happy again if I stop being such a jackass to her and stop doing drugs (it's already been a week without them and I have no interest in them), but I don't know if she believes that I can do it. I'm so confused..
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a break, best friend, christmas, cousin, drugs, jealous, limp, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 November 2008):
 Rebuilding broken trust is a long road. And you're right there is no cut and dried time frame. If she is a very forgiving person it will be shorter. I guess you'll just have to plug along, one day at a time. I know you'd like to be able to circle a date on the calendar but I don't think that is really possible. Keep us posted, we're in this with you and have your back, Buddy.
A
male
reader, rAcKeR +, writes (18 November 2008):
rAcKeR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, eyeswideopen. Another question, addressed to you, or any woman who happens to be reading this post..After doing something like what I did, how long would it take to regain trust? I realize that it's a very hard question to answer, and it depends on each person, but the pain of loving her and wanting her to finally believe me while she still doesn't trust me is very great, and even tempts me to go get drunk again, just to ease the pain (which of course, I will not do!)..Had she just broken it off with me, I would be finding ways to forget about her and find other things in life to ease the pain, but obviously I cannot because I am still trying to win back her trust, and ultimately win her back.But from what her friends tell me, and from what I gather from just talking to her, she still likes me very much, but really just can't trust me yet, and without trust, how can there be true love between people? I plan to carry out these changes in my life regardless of her decision, but while I'm still stuck in this gray area, I feel like my life is on pause, not moving on but also not being with her, and I'm left guessing as to what the next chapter will be.. I don't want to rush her, but it really is painful to have these feelings that I'm not allowed to express and she can't return for the sake of the break. Any women out there who can give me an idea of how long I'm in for?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 November 2008):
Well best of luck, I can tell you really love her and that is a very good motivator.
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A
male
reader, rAcKeR +, writes (18 November 2008):
rAcKeR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks eyeswideopen. yesterday I actually had my first NA meeting, and I feel confident about being on the road to recovery, so to say. i hope i can gain her trust back, though it may take a while, i am willing to try
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 November 2008):
Give it time. One week off drugs and booze isn't anything more than a baby step. You'll need more than a few of those to convince you truly mean to stay clean. Once she sees you mean what you say then I think you will have a definite chance to win her back. In the meantime keep the lines of communication open so she can witness your progress.
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