A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have just realised, that I think I pushed my boyfriend away. I have been mad at him for leaving for the past 6 months but it's just occurred to me that I was the one that pushed him.We were together for 4 years we really loved each other (first loves) we lived together in a flat and I think it was in the last few months of the relationship I lost sight of things.My grandmother wanted to buy us a house to live in so we could have more space, we started looking at houses 3 bedrooms, 1 for us, a spare and 1 for his office (he wasn't contributing towards anything for the house let me just add but it was fine) then my mum found out she would be studying in London, we were looking at houses in London so I thought it would be nice to help my mum out and she could stay with us a few days a week so she could commute to her course (she's originally from down south so it would be easier for her to stay with us for a few nights a week). Anyway we looked at a few houses, we were living in 2 bed flat at the time and my mum came to visit from time to time, she came up to stay with us, I went off to work the next morning and him and my mum had, had a huge argument. She had apparently snapped at him and he had snapped back then boom! They have had a rocky relationship in the past but got on most of the time, she's my only parent. Anyway when she had left my boyfriend had a go at me for not standing up for him etc and told me there is no way he's moving into a house and my mum is coming to stay, he practically said 'it's me or her'. I ignored it because i thought he was being over dramatic anyway the next week we were fine he was still telling me he loved me and I thought he was being over dramatic the other night. The week after that, we found a house and put an offer in, he suggested we go out with his friend and his wife tomorrow to celebrate his friends work promotion he got a few weeks back, everything was fine. Except the night we were meant to go out my BF cancelled and had to work late, then the day after that I hardly saw him as he went to football. He came home early the next night and we went out for dinner he then dropped the bombshell, that he wanted a month apart.I could't understand why. It didn't click that it was because of my mum thing because he had been acting fine with me. I cried on the way home and he said 'he could either leave tonight or leave on saturday' i said saturday as I was hoping I might be able to get things on track. We went to bed, I tried to talk to him with no luck, I tried to cuddle him in bed, he was very cold with me and told me 'no leave me alone or i'll go tonight'. He worked late the next few nights so I couldn't talk to him then he left. We met 2 weeks later and he broke up with me, he's practically already made up his mind and realised this issue wasn't the only issue. he left me and moved back to his parents and told people 'it was something he had to do, he hasn't been happy for 2 years' yes we have had arguments over the past few years but I never realised he was so unhappy. I wrote him a long letter explaining how sorry I was and that I should have stuck up for him in the argument etc, the only reply was 'sounds like you know what you're doing now' I've spoken to him a few times over the past 6 months and he seems completely over it.I was driving around my area and saw his car, he had a girl in it and looked so happy, I've been hot and cold with him since the breakup, sometimes trying to be nice and other times I've been horrible because I've been so hurt.However it's been 6 months now and it's just occurred to me that I pushed him away, its my fault he told me he didn't want to live with my mum and I took that for granted, now it's too late!! I really miss him and am desperate for him, I want him back soooo much, there's so much I would change. However I'm not sure if this is because I cant have him?What can I do??? i'm worried if I write him a letter and lay my feelings bare i'm just going to get shot down again like I did with the first....
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male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (30 April 2014):
Honestly, from what you've said on here it seems that you were far to good for him.
He probably went about the break up in such a way to make you feel like the pushy one. You weren't pushy at all. In fact I'm sure there's plenty of guys out there who would love for a girl to care and want to try as much as you did! - You're a good egg. His loss my lovely.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Thank you to both of you. I definitely need to find peace but cant stop beating myself up about it and feel I pushed him away throughout the relationship, I truly think i've been a selfish person when we had arguments and he was so good at compromising! I think I just pushed him too far and this was the final straw, however i do think he was very hard nosed about the breakup and has said some awful things to me since... 'You'll never find anyone as good as me' 'it was a sh@t relationship' 'you were a sh&t girlfriend' and i believe him...
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (29 April 2014):
Hello,
Firstly, I am sorry you are feeling lousy because of this.
Wise Guy has given you some great advice. Sadly, for you, he has said what occurred to me as well.
When I was reading your situation, I was thinking that your boyfriend used the argument with your mum to leave the relationship. I believe he had been pulling away for some time and had no intention of moving in or buying the house.
You, see, you had just put the 'offer' on the house and he suggested to Celebrate!...his friends promotion?
I bought a VolksWagen last year, and my wife and I went out to celebrate 'buying the car.' You see, the car meant a lot to both of us, the house should have been a great celebration. But it wasn't. The night out didn't even happen. I am afraid he wasn't quite in it for you both.
Please, it is not your fault. Reading your post and having a brief insight into about how you are, then 30 odd years ago, that would have been the kind of girl I would search for and never found. So, you have done nothing wrong in this relationship.
You can take Wise Guy's advice and write the letter, or you could write it and simply hold it in your room for a while and not post it. Yes, you did not push him, he indeed walked.
Best wishes, I hope you manage to find peace! God Bless.
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A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (28 April 2014):
First thing I want to say is, I feel your pain! I know how horrible it is to love someone who doesn't seem all that bothered. I have had two experiences of this - the sudden cut off and coldness is just awful isn't it? Personally I don't think it was just about your mum, she is your family after all. He couldn't expect you to choose between him and her. I think it must have been a slow burn situation, whereby he probably used the fight with your mum as the main issue, to try to blame you so he didn't feel bad for leaving you. To me, you sound like a perfect girlfriend, caring, committed and thoughtful. I know it's hard but you've tried all you can. If you've seen him with another girl then that is a good sign he is over you, which is horrible because you come across as a lovely person. Moving on is so very hard, especially when you feel like there is unfinished busy, like you think you could have done more or at least tried one more time to get something back. I'm not going to tell you how to go about things. If you honestly want to write him a letter to explain then do so - If you think it will make you feel like you've at least tried all you can. But I wouldn't hold out for much as far as he is concerned. He seems to have gone about it in a very cold and cruel way. I would personally never want to end a relationship as coldly as he did! I couldn't bare to be the reason my girlfriend was crying, even if things had to end I wouldn't want her to cry - Because when you really love someone you still care, even if you aren't together as a couple. You did NOT push him away - he walked. You don't need to feel guilty.
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