A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI just wanted some views on my situation. I met a guy on holiday and we kept in touch. I went back to visit him and we spent lots of time together. I met his family and his friends again. When we were apart we always have arguments over Facebook and jealously issues and he mentioned that he missed fighting with me and how when we were together I was different. He was really crap at keeping in touch when we were apart and that built up resentment in me and I guess I found it hard to trust with the distance between us.He wanted me to move to his country. I told him financially this was going to be difficult as my salary would be much lower. He didn't have his own place as paying rent from his salary was difficult. I wanted to just keep things as they were until I got to know him better. I was disappointed that he didn't make the effort to keep in touch regularly, when I left. I did realise that he was also like this with everyone and his friend commented on it.I mentioned that sometimes as a woman living alone in the country I live in that I get problems with men harassing me. He didn't want me to go back and said if I have any problem I can tell them that we are married.Also when I went to visit him he was going for an interview for a job abroad. He told me it was something he always wanted to do and wanted to get it out of the way before having children with someone and settling down. I supported him while he was having interviews and wished him luck.He got the job and I was very happy for him. I asked him to come and visit me, as I had visited him. He told me he couldn't as he was going away the next month. I then saw that he went away the month after too. I emailed him and made a flippant comment just saying you're a great guy but a lousy boyfriend.SO he emails back who said I'm you're boyfriend?? I'm just a great guy;)Well I was so mad, even though I was just speaking generally. I told him yes, when it suits you. Thank you for freedom. Told him he was an incredibly selfish person and good luck finding a woman to have kids with you.After calming down and knowing his sense of humor I thought perhaps I over reacted! Anyway I have experienced this before and my friends talk about this.People who just don't know what they want and mess others around. What the hell???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): Having had a long distance relationship for a year before moving to be with that person, I have to be truthful and say I don't think this is going anywhere petal.From my own experience, I can tell you we were in constant contact. All the money/time and energy we had went towards being together. I could barely think of anything else. I LIVED for the times we could fly the 550miles and he even took the train/bus on several occasions for a 12hr trip. ouch.I am no expert, but I feel from your side that you are maybe just hurt that he won't make the effort. It seems this is more about ego than love. You're screaming out "What's wrong with me?! Why doesn't he want me?!" The answer is : Nothing. You're great how you are. Don't waste time on this guy and risk missing someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Good luck.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2013):
 OP I’ve read your post and your follow up and you said:
“Anyway I just feel generally men expect the woman to make the sacrifices in these situations otherwise they are not playing.”
And I can truly say not only do I disagree with your assessment I can prove it.
My husband and I met at a convention and we lived a mere two hour car ride apart. HE made ALL the sacrifices in our relationship. HE gave up HIS apartment and HIS JOB and his LIFE and he MOVED to be with me at my home so I could keep MY job.
Your generalization is flawed. It’s not in general. It’s not all men. It’s the man or men you gravitate towards. IF the same thing happens over and over again to you, then the ONLY constant in the equation is YOU and then you have to look at what you are bringing to these relationships and why your expectations are being dashed.
You went to visit him after you met him. He was lousy at keeping in touch…so the truth is he was just not as into you as you were into him.
don't waste energy on people that don't give you back the same energy you give them.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 To me this sounds like you had a holiday romance which you thought would lead on to more but he just thought was some fun but nothing long term. There are so many people in the world why would you want someone who doesn't live in the same country?!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (30 January 2013):
 Let's cut this anti-man BS down shall we? At the end of the day both people need to give and take. Some things you (men and women) are prepared to do and some things you won't. YOU decide.
I know men who'd like to move abroad but their girlfriend don't want to. On the other hand I know girls who've moved for their man (he got a better job and he's the big earner in the family). Both my parents moved to a completely different country (Dad was from Scotland and Mum from Holland and settled in Australia before moving to England).
It's not about men or women. It's about what the individual is prepared to do. If you don't want to move for ANY man. Then don't. If you're prepared to move then go for it.
By the way, I bet if it was your favourite, good looking film star you'd relocate in a heartbeat!
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A
female
reader, alexis1234 +, writes (30 January 2013):
I wasn't living in the US or the UK. I was living in Turkey where OK culturally not good but financially. I had mentioned this to him. Hence he told me he was worried and that I could say that we were married.
Of course when we were together things were good. He meant we argued when we were apart but not when we were together.
I told him financially it would be difficult as my salary would be lower.
Anyway I just feel generally men expect the woman to make the sacrifices in these situations otherwise they are not playing.
I didn't run after him and that's why it ended. Like I said I've heard it many times it seems you either run your life around a man or stay single.
I chose to stay single but its just an observation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 January 2013):
 I'm sorry, but this guy expecting you to move to his country... red flag. Especially after you point out he was crap at keeping in touch? And he would argue with you and thought you were different in person?
You have to draw healthy boundaries. No one else will do that for you. Especially a guy who thinks it's perfectly okay to ask you to move for him while treating you badly.
Learn to see those signs earlier and you won't get stuck with losers any more!
I would have guessed you were in the UK based on your word choices. Such as "on holiday," someone from the US generally says "on vacation." And he was "really crap" at keeping in touch, the Americanism would be something like, "he was awful" at keeping in touch. If you live in the UK, there should not be a problem with men harrassing you. Maybe it's time to find a better neighborhood?
Sorry for going off on a tangent. I just think you would be on the path to healthier relationships when you realize (not 'realise,' lol) that you are the one who trains people in how to treat you. If someone is being idiotic and mistrustful of you then it is definitely time to cut him loose.
So good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): Although I am from the US I was not living in the US at the time. I was living in Istanbul and where I met my ex was only an hours flight away.We spent sometime together before we were intimate and he asked me to move to his country.As we didn't live too far apart I didn't see it as such a big deal not moving over there. I just feel like a lot of guys do expect the girl to do all the work and if you don't they don't want to know.I wasn't prepared to run after him and that's why I broke up with him, although I think on some level he expected me to run after him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 January 2013):
You're in your early 30s living in the US? Sounds like you are choosing men who aren't really available and are a challenge. Maybe you like a challenge, and the distance, on some level, as it keeps you from being in an actual viable relationship.
You are engineering your own love-life failures by giving too much to a guy who has given precisely nothing, other than some interesting and absorbing conversations and fights on facebook.
Stay off facebook, leave email alone for now. Try to connect with a local man, who is available and do not get too intimate too soon. Take the time to be courted. Do not do all the 'work' in keeping the relationship going.
You got messed around because you put yourself in the position to be messed around with. Don't do that again, and you won't be messed around again. Does that make sense?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): It sounds like he was angry because you didn't go running when he wanted. It's his way of sticking it to you and hoping it changes your mind.
Your reaction probably wasn't what he was expecting and now it's backfired on him big time.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (30 January 2013):
This isn't going anywhere in all honesty. He's getting on with his life. A man's actions speak louder than words and his actions say "I'm too busy" to even keep in touch let alone visit.
Just back off, get out there and meet other men. Go dating. If he comes running then you can see what happens from there. In the meantime you're wasting your time with this one and could be missing out on Mr. Right.
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