A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:You know when they say Oh you will do or find some one else better, How come sometimes you feel you didnt do better? Ive been dating James for two months but its nothing compared to my last relationship..Im not saying that i want him to be the same person but..i feel like im not having the same strong impact..I feel like i do alot of the effort in some ways but in another i tell myself wll he has done alot too..i guess the sparks arent there just yet.. I had my heart broken in May and it took forever to get passed it. I was confused ( mindly) then i wasnt suppose to have dated anyone because My ex and i werent done evn though we stopped dating. I sometimes wonder what thing could have been like if i have just taken a break from dating and mended with my ex. But i didnt think rationally and didnt do the smartest thing. I feel Guy number one did everything right (almost) considered my feelings and deep down in his heart cared about me he would say it but actaully would show it he was a man of his word. He did everyhting to please me he took the time to listen to me...But guy number 2 its only half of anything... For Example: i would be on fb last year i didnt have a phone then but when ever i got the chance to get on fb it wouldnt take too long to reply i understand ppl get busy but sometimes it gets to a point where one feels they dont have time for you. Another example is with guy nimber one i would say the things that i liked or pointed out something that ive i alwyas wanted (small things not a golddigger lol) One day out of the blue he would surprise with flowers and with this guy i express myslef the same way and its like the next day he forgets about anything and i have to remind him what my favorite color is..So any tips? someting? did i do the right thing on moving on or not?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Building the trust in a relationship does take time. And every new partner brings some aspects that are just as good as the previous partner and some aspects that are better, but sadly some parts that are not as good. Over time, in one relationship people can take some things for granted, and then appreciate particular qualities that they grew to consider as ‘normal’ when those qualities are not evident in the next relationship.
I am so very sorry that you suffered the grief cycle and the fall out of a failed relationship. It is like (temporarily) feeling as if you are losing your mind in a mildly disturbing sort of way. It is heart-breaking. It does make one questions one’s decision making. It does destroy one’s faith and trust in one’s own judgment. It does make one angry and feel betrayed.
Even though Guy number one was ticking all the boxes there must have been some niggling doubt about something, otherwise you would not have taken a break from dating. Because he was ‘almost perfect’ yet something was not quite right. I am a great believer in taking a break and not breaking up on Wednesday and moving in with a new guy on Friday as I think people learn nothing about themselves when that happens.
But if you broke up in May and it is now October then that suggests that you did not start dating too soon even though you broke up and your were still in contact with your ex.
But guy number two is not yet as ‘connected’ with your as your ex. That suggests that pleasing you is not as high priority as it was for your ex. Not communicating as reliably as your ex is one indicator that he may not be as enamored of you as was your ex.
I think it is a very loving thing when a guy truly listens to a girl AND remembers what the girl said and remembers her preferences. In fact I maintain that if a guy is really into a girl and has known her a while then he will know her favorite things.
He will know her favorite color, flower, drink, places and cars.
He will know her most important philosophies, her political views (if any), he will know what sports she enjoys, special idiosyncrasies and any phobias.
Because a guy who really really wants to connect with you will make it his business to know these things. And if he does not know he will find these things out.
Needing to remind him the next day is not good.
I think guy number one was more intelligent, more committed to you, had more empathy and cared about you more.
Guy number two really is not yet as committed to you and it shows.
It was OK to move on, if only because it has led to you appreciating guy number one more. Though he may have moved on in other directions by now.
Two things I would consider doing. One is to have a talk to guy number two and ask him where he sees this relationship going in the next 12 months and in the next five or ten years. A wishy-washy answer from him will lose points. If he sees a future then ask him to articulate his plans. You be the judge if his plans are concrete or fanciful.
Guy number two may not be the man for you, yet.
As a platonic meet up I think I would also choose to meet up with guy number one, if he will agree to that, and tell him that you have been having some doubt about the decision to break up. And put to him the same questions, prefaced by the remark, ‘If we had not broken up I would have asked you some questions.
If he wants to know what questions then go ahead and ask, ‘If we had not broken up I would have asked, “where he sees this relationship going in the next 12 months and in the next five or ten years. A wishy-washy answer from him will lose points. If he sees a future then ask him to articulate his plans.”
If there is any possibility of a reconciliation then you must first break up with your current guy.
Alternatively perhaps you need a short vacation away from both guys and be able to play some ‘think’ music while you decide if you stay, reconnect with guy one or guy two.
Always remember to be very nice to you. That’s not selfish, it’s call survival. You can better function when you are very kind to first
Best wishes
Abella
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