A
female
age
,
*tarvega14
writes:This is the second time I have moved for a man to another state that I have met through the internet. It's a very complicated situation for me. I have a low self esteem and I am so insecure. My boyfriend has a 16 yr. old son that he sees every other weekend and once a week. I neve realized it was going to be so hard. My daughters had just recently moved out after graduating and they were a handful for me, to the point where I didn't know if i could handle it or not. I have a anxiety disorder and seizures on top of that and other medical conditions which doesn't help much. I guess I figured that it wouldn't be so hard when I moved in. His son has a whole lot more problems than I thought. His ex-wife can be a headache as well. He's been divorced since 2008 and he was married for 18 years. His wife had health problems as well and he took very good care of her and she treats him like crap and he puts up with it because he's so afraid she will keep his son away from him, which she can't because he has visitation rights. When it comes to me, I feel disrespected because there has been times that he has lied to me about giving her money for gas that he had no business giving her which I had to complain about for a long time. I argued with her quite a bit on the phone. I did not move here for this! I had no idea that he had such a hard time saying no when it came to her but then he has a very hard time with confron tation with people in general which can be very frustrating in our relationship. He also has a very bad money spending problem to the point to where he will be broke and that's where I seem to come in. I feel that he has a motive for me being here and that is for me to get him by when he's going through hard times. I am on disability and I help with what I can and I do all the things in the house and I very good care of all his needs as well as cook and iron his work clothes. I guess i just treat men to good in beginning and then I get crapped all over.I have caught him in many lies and he always finds a way to get out of them and the crazy thing is that I believe him or I am in denial about them or I just shove the lies under the carpet.I guess I had high expectations about him. I always seem to have expectations on men and I get let down everytime and men don't change, even though I have been trying to change this guy for a year now, I must be hoping for a miracle I will never get. I love this guy so much but it's obvious he can't possibly be in love with me. He thinks that money is showing love for someone because that's how he was raised. I cannot relate to that. I have had both worlds and I would rather know that he's in love with me instead of gifts than a credit card he can't pay off. I need somehow to get the strength to walk out on this realtionship. I am 47 yrs old and I don't want to be alone and that is one of my fears. I feel it is to late for me for any relationship and that is one reason I keep clinging to this one. Does anyone have anything to say on this?
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, money, moved in, moved out, self esteem, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, starvega14 +, writes (28 June 2011):
starvega14 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello Wheeler, I am impressed with your advice and that is exactly what I should have done was find out the true picture before jumping so quickly but your advice has been truely helpful and thank-you so much and take care.
A
female
reader, starvega14 +, writes (28 June 2011):
starvega14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you chocoholic forever. You are right about alot of things you said and it felt good to get some support instead of complaining to him all the time, so thanks and take care
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 June 2011):
I agree with what Wheeler said.
You and this guy both have your own issues with self esteem and personal boundaries in relationships. His ex-wife doesn't respect his boundaries because he's not enforcing them with her (maybe he doesn't want to, for his own reasons). similarly, you haven't been enforcing your personal boundaries with him which is why he keeps walking all over you.
It's good that you realize what your weaknesses are (low self esteem and insecurity). it means you're self-aware, and that's the necessary first step towards taking back control of your life. Your boyfriend isn't even at this spot yet. But it's only the first step, many people never move past it because they next steps (doing something about it) is very difficult and unclear.
but since you realize that these are your weaknesses and that they have led to your current state of unhappiness (and past unhappiness), probably the first thing to do is to remove yourself from situations that further erode your self esteem. And that would mean leaving this guy because you can't change someone else which means he WILL continue to do all the things he has been doing.
having your own personal problems makes life difficult enough as it is. Being involved with someone who is themselves a mess and can't sort out their own situation, means that you will get caught up in it if you don't have a healthy sense of your personal boundaries. obviously even though he's divorced, his ex-wife still plays a big role in his life. Maybe that's because he's afraid to do otherwise, or who knows what his reasons are that he hasn't made a clean break from her but that's the thing, it's his life and he's not going to change unless he wants to. And you can't make him change, all your efforts to try to get him to change will just result in him continuing his ways but being sneakier so you don't find out. at some point, enough is enough. Continuing to be entangled with someone whom you have every right to expect to treat you well, but who instead treats you poorly, will lead to your continuing to feel miserable and helpless. So you should probably leave him.
Try to tell yourself that
(a) you don't "need" a relationship to survive, the way you need food and water. You will be just fine by yourself, if you work on your self esteem and insecurity issues.
(b) being in a toxic relationship is far worse and more damaging to you, than being alone. So even if you really fear and dread being alone, know that this is better than being with a toxic person.
(c) it's never too late to find a good and stable relationship. But in order to have the chance at that, you need to not be tied up in an existing (and toxic) relationship to begin with.
I would suggest that you get some counseling to work on your self-esteem and find a source of emotional support. Maybe you could do this first, to build up some strength before you leave your relationship. Some times your health insurance will cover counseling, so check with your health insurance. If not, you can look for counselors that operate on a sliding scale (where you negotiate how much the sessions will cost, based on what you can afford).
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (27 June 2011):
 First of all, it is not too late for you to find someone who is right for you. Really let that sink in, and know it.
Staying in a relationship out of fear, for any reason, is hopeless. You will not wake up one morning and magically find happiness or fulfillment.
Furthermore, it sounds like you have gotten yourself into an incredibly complicated and confusing situation that will eventually drive you crazy if you do not begin to look after your own happiness.
There are a few things that you said that I want to highlight because I think they are key to why you keep finding yourself in these relationships:
"This is the second time I have moved for a man to another state that I have met through the internet. It's a very complicated situation for me. I have a low self esteem and I am so insecure."
"I guess i just treat men to good in beginning and then I get crapped all over."
"I always seem to have expectations on men and I get let down everytime and men don't change, even though I have been trying to change this guy for a year now, I must be hoping for a miracle I will never get."
"I am 47 yrs old and I don't want to be alone and that is one of my fears. "
Whenever we find ourselves in a negative relationship pattern, wondering why the relationship always ends up the same, it can probably be traced back to our own decisions. It is not that "all men" or "all women" are the same, it is that we are choosing a type without even realizing it.
You even admit that you went into the relationship thinking he would change or that you could change him. That reveals he already had issues of which you probably ignored the symptoms?
Think of it this way, say you have a problem with getting up early in the morning. You find that this problem directly impacts your job performance, progress, happiness, whatever. So, you decide you need to fix this very obvious and basic problem. You buy a better alarm clock, set your mind to overcoming this problem, and make goals. You may make progress for a few weeks, or even months, but find yourself slipping back into the same old problem. Just dealing with this one issue takes so much effort, determination, and still you struggle to make progress. That is because changing is SO hard to do. Even if the change is very obvious and basic.
If it is that difficult to make even an obvious and basic change in your own life, concerning a basic problem you are aware of, then what chance do you have of changing someone else? It is nearly impossible to cause even the slightest change in someone else. Yet how often do we enter a relationship convinced we can change someone else?
I repeat...you CANNOT change someone else. Period. They can try to make changes for themselves, but you have no chance of changing them. Like a drip on a forest fire, it will go nowhere.
Your question is very timely, as there was another person posting a message about someone they met online and started dating. After 18 months she was wondering whether she should move out to live with this person whom she had never actually met. As I told her, when you meet someone online, you do not get the full story. You really get only a small portion of the truth about who that person is, their situation, and the nature of your relationship. All of the bad things are kept hidden. All of the things that would cause you to reconsider, or pass on the relationship, are not disclosed.
So, what do you do?
It is safe to say that you should probably find a way to get out of the relationship and move on. It may take some time, and there may be a lot of things to figure out in order to get out of the situation, but it is time to start in that direction.
It is also time for you to begin working on yourself, on finding the reasons for your low self-esteem. I can promise you that until you begin to figure those things out, you will find yourself with the same kind of guy. These guys can smell from a mile away a woman with low self-esteem, a woman they can use and dump all of their problems on. He surely saw this in you rather soon, and knew how things would go once you were in a relationship.
You are allowing him to treat you this way. To disrespect you, use you, and not be concerned about your happiness. This guy will NOT CHANGE. But you can, and you must.
You have the right to be happy, and to be in a relationship with someone who makes you happy. But it is up to you to make the decision to change for the better, and not to put up with such a man.
I know it is not easy, and surely seems a daunting task. But what are your options? To stay in an oppressive relationship with someone who will never change and never make you happy?
Start by finding some other women with whom you can relate. Someone who can encourage you and be an honest ear as you begin down a new path. Don't look to jump into another relationship, but rather to work on yourself.
I hope this has been helpful, and I hope the best for you. You deserve to be happy!
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