A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just cornered my boyfriend of a year and a half and asked of he saw a future with me. He said he can't make me any promises and that his future is shady - but that he loves meMy gut has been fearing this for awhile. He told me to getSome sleep and we will talk about it another time. I am hyperventilating .So did I make the right decision by asking the question I was afraid to have an answer to?!? I'm not ok with him just stringing meAlone with no hopes of a marriage or family. But I will miss him terribly and can't imagine ever being with someone else. Did I do the right thing by forcing the issue? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: we broke up. I waited a whole month - giving him space. He never called or text and yet at one party w mutual friends introduced me as his girlfriend and then talked to everyone in the room but me.
Finally - after a month of limbo - I pushed for the conversation and he said he loves me enough to let me go. That he can't handle a relationship - knows he never wants to settle down and can't keep hurting me by "wasting my time". He said someday I'll thank him.
Personally I think none of this is true - if he thought I was "the one" he would not leave but beg me to give him more time to come around.
I am truly sad became I think he is giving up too easy. I am his first real long term relationship. Prior to me he has always head long distance "relationships" where he only chats and phone flirts w the girls - seein them twice a year or in one case - they never met in person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Tisha. I actually text one of my best friends his phone number and then deleted him from my phone contacts - my text message history, etc. I do not want to be tempted into contacting him and I do not know his cell by heart. I also just had a talk with a male friend who said the same as you - "the freak out, the refusal to even discuss the topic at hand, IS your answer. Do you really want to be with a guy who needs 10 days to decide if he even wants to try to have a future with you?!" (it's been 10 days since I first brought the topic up)So yes, I'm behaving like I'm single. A guy who has been trying to ask me out - just contacted me again today and I accepted. If the jackass formerly known as my boyfriend ever decides to get in you with me - it will be what I already know. He doesn't want to fight for a future with me. At that point, maybe I won't even care to have the breakup conversation. And the book is on its way to me. It was actually out of stock at the book store near me. Thanks!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2012):
 When I was in a similar situation, years ago, where I was waiting for a guy to decide where we stood, I talked to a male friend of mine. He put me on the right track, said, oh no, you don't, you don't sit around having handed him all the power, fret and worry and moan. You decide to take your power back.
You took the first step, you did, by asking the question, you were trying to see where you stood. Then he freaked out. The freak out is your answer. The freak out is actually a 'no', I think, based on that other thread, where you are in a far different place than he is, culturally, age-wise and in terms of your life goals.
You are in limbo because you don't want to accept that 'no.' You want it to be a yes, I think, so badly that you choose to interpret signs in a way that doesn't confirm a 'no.'
So, while I do think that his showing up with flowers and soup for the flu for you is a good sign, it doesn't mean that he's going to suddenly be able to change his stance, which is essentially, "I'm not ready to marry you."
I really encourage you to get on with your life, to act and think as if you two are split up. This doesn't mean you have to run out and start dating random men or start looking for love just yet. This just means that you go on about your day, make plans, decide things, book holidays and hang out with friends as if you are single.
Because honestly, right now, you are.
I still want you to read that book. You're going to have a lot of 'aha!' moments as you read it, I think. 'So THAT'S where I could have done X or Y instead of the usual Z, and I would be in a different place.'
Sometimes reaching a new place in your relationship, or your life, seems extremely scary and awful and unwanted. But then, life has a way of surprising you and you may find a huge sense of relief that actually will overshadow the grief in a short time. The lightness you'll experience when you take back your own destiny will be extremely empowering and will lead you to a place of peace.
Be well, stay healthy and eat right. You need all those good cells to keep you healthy and wise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha - I ordered the book ... Thanks again..Dorothy - I'd love to create new memories and just have fun, but right now, he's avoiding spending time with me. He's not calling, or texting like he used to. I don't know if he wants to break up but doesn't want to have the conversation and is hoping it just fades away, or he wants to move forward and doesn't know how to. He literally won't agree to talk about it. It's extremely frustrating and I'm not one that can handle gray areas. (clearly). We are either trying to "fix it" or we are "broken up". It's now been a week and a half since the conversation and I don't know where I stand .. but again - like so many of you have advised me - I'm trying to chill out and give him space. But I can only wait so long, it's not fair to me to be on eternal hold.
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reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 May 2012):
Hi. You did well to say nothing about the future.
Keep it up and concentrate on just having good times together and creating nice memories.
Don't be too concerned by the fact he slept on the lounge, he probably didn't want to catch the flue off you.
I can understand that, as it is pretty miserable if you do catch the virus.
I wouldn't take that as a rejection.
He was simply being cautious.
The flue can be very serious for most people and if not treated carefully, could become pneumonia.
So he was wise in doing that.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 OP, I just realized that you may be the same person who posted about a similar quandary ( younger uncommited bf ) with a Muslim bf .
If this is the case, I have to say that it would be an added obstacle.
It is true that there's no point in forcing the issue on an unreceptive party, you can't make someone marry you by throwing tantrums or banging bricks on his head, - and if you could , you would not, I guess, what's the point of an extorted consent.
But if we add to the mix a difference in religion and cultural expectations, well, personally I think you are walking on thin ice. Saying that he does not know what he is going to do may be be just a diversive tactic to not alienate you while, deep down, or not so deep actually, he already knows you are not is " forever " choice.
I don't mean that it is necessarily always like this, as a matter of fact I have two friends of mine in Christian- with- Muslim marriages. But , we can't ignore that statistically speaking these are exceptions not the rule, and also, in the case of these people I know, they were very determined and enthusiastic right from the start, and ready to ,metaphorically, stare down any dirty looks that might come their way from both sides.
You are taking a big risk, OP, in terms of time wasting, I hope you realize it. And, of course, I hope that facts will prove me totally wrong and unduly pessimistic . But, again, it all depends how much you can afford to risk , and how much disappointed you'd be if your bet does not pay off.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2012):
If you had collapsed with a flu-like symptoms, wouldn't you expect him to sleep in a different bed? He showed up when needed, a good sign. Standoffish isn't bad, you were ill and trying to push you to be intimate or discuss things would have been over the top, don't you think?
Read that book, it'll help a lot. Best wishes to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dorothy and Tisha and everyone on here for your thoughtful responses.
You have made me realize that I may have driven him away and will definitely drive him away for good if I force the issue anymore right now.
I am not pregnant right now. The ironic thing is that A few months ago - a condom broke and he was totally supportive - we even talked baby names and he mentioned how he would have to "get serious" - but he wasn't freaking then.
Last night I was sick and collapsed from what felt like the flu. A coworker called him and was going to take me to the hospital. I ended up going home to rest and He came over to my apartment with soup and OJ. (he volunteered - (I didn't ask). He also brought me flowers!! Thanks to all your advice I remained calm and chill and didn't breathe a word of our future. The flowers gave me hope - but he slept on the couch and felt standoffish Again I said nothing and realized there is nothing I can do but give him space and see if he comes around.
Thanks again!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 May 2012):
Hi. You mentioned he said he wouldn't make a good father, plus that he would feel locked down and want to run away.
This is probably a fear of commitment, plus it shows you that he isn't quite ready for it just yet.
I don't think you said anything here, but you aren't pregnant at the moment are you?
It really does seem that he isn't ready to move towards marriage at the moment. That much seems crystal clear.
Although you would like to know where you stand right now, he really doesn't seem ready to make an absolute decision at the moment.
He might want to do some more things with his life before settling down once and for all.
Maybe he wants to do some travel.
He might also want to pursue some of his dreams, before he gets too old.
And if that is the case, he would almost certainly believe that once he was married, had children and a mortgage, that he would see those dreams of his fade away forever.
And then he would feel sad and resentful, for not following through on them.
This is one of the greatest regrets of all time, the realization of unfulfilled dreams.
The regret that they are never going to happen.
This could be a part of his indecision.
The other part is whether a commitment is really what he wants at all - or just not now.
In any case, applying pressure on him is not going to help at all.
It could even cause him to back off and RUN away - right now!
And of course, that is not what you want.
So you need to cool it also, and just don't mention the future at all.
Concentrate on enjoying the present moment.
Because NOW is really all that we have.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2012):
Breathe. Stop panicking. You've asked a question that has been troubling you and obviously, you two aren't running along the same path in synchronicity. That's why you're freaking out and that may be why he's freaking out.
It's okay.
Give him some time to process your question and stop panicking.
May I recommend a book for you, while you wait for the dust to settle? A Fine Romance, by Judith Sills, PhD. It's what go me through my courtship and kept me from making loads of mistakes.
You, my dear, have delivered an ultimatum. And that's okay, IF you are prepared to follow through on it. You seek certain things in life, he has certain things he expects as well. With any luck, you'll both find a way to make it work, together, but if you want marriage, kids and all that goes with it, and he doesn't, at the end of the day this relationship will not work.
This isn't the end of the relationship, necessarily. Read that book and you will see what I mean.
Best wishes to you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2012):
 My first husband's proposal was "if i don't commit to you I will lose you".... I stupidly married him.
I loved him and wanted him to want me... I just went on my way and lived my life I did not give him "the talk" or ask about our future...
IT was not a great reason to marry someone.
Listen to what he's saying to you.... he can't commit to you for the right reasons... do you want him for the wrong ones?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I tried to have a calm conversation and he won't. Says he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't have an answer for me. Says he feels a tremendous amount of pressure and doesn't know what he wants but thinks he wouldn't be a good father because he doesn't want to be "locked down" and has the urge to "run away". He literally shut down emotionally and looked physically ill. I actually feel bad for him. I know he loves me and I know he knows if he doesn't committ he will lose me. :(
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 May 2012):
I think he is embarassed and does not know what to tell you . Actually, what's really there to talk about ? I mean, it's good that you want to deal with the issue without tears and drama, but I guess it boils down to being on two different tracks. You, female 35, reasonably think future, committment, marriage, children- he ,male 29, thinks ( he's wrong,but never mind ) that he has got all the time of this world for this kind of stuff. You just want different things atm.
Now, since he is 29, therefore young but not exactly a baby, personally I think that he may love you in his own way, but not be in love- otherways the idea of committing would not sound so scary to him. When you feel you have found " the one " - you just feel it ( whether you are going to be disproved by future developments and changes of heart or not )- and , 29 years of age with 18 months of dating would not make it imprudent or reckless affirming " The buck stops here - yes, you are IT "-- if he felt that. But, honestly I don't know, that's just my idea, there's no ironclad rule for this type of things.
Regardless , it does not change your predicament - it's totally up to you. Meaning, I may be wrong and he may be crazy about you, just not be ready to commit his future.
Again, what's the least of two evils for you : staying with him and enjoying the relatiosnhip a day at the time, knowing that perhaps it may never pan out the way you want - or break up now, move on and seek another guy who's more on your wavelength ?
Both options are far from ideal, I understand, but YOU will have to make a decision. You can't solve this issue by talking it to death, what for ? he may understand perfectly where you are coming from, and find it perfectly legitimate -yet still not be willing or able to oblige.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is 29.
We haven't spoken since I left crying 4 days ago . I have called and said I want to talk about it calmly and explain where I'm coming from and he has no called me back - only text that he's too tired to cope with it now.
Limbo.
I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): yes you did the right thing by forcing the issue IF your purpose was to get the information you need to make a final choice for yourself of what your next step should be.
in which case you have that information now - he is not ready to commit so you should move on or be strung along.
but it's the wrong thing to force the issue if your goal was to push for the outcome you want. Your forcefulness doesn't change his reality and you're just making yourself more upset by not accepting the truth.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
well that means he is 24-29 and to be honest at low end of the range (24) he may not not for sure... (to give him the benefit of the doubt) but I have found that even when young men when they KNOW, they know and they act...
does not mean it won't happen but...
OTOH, if he is 29 and giving you this stuff... I'd be wary that he's stringing me along...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. He is six years younger than me.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 May 2012):
I don't think that asking that question after 18 months of dating in your age bracket is forcing the issue.
it would be if you were 18, then a what the heck do I know would be an appropriate response. But if he is around your age or older, he should be able to answer an honest yes or no to the question: do we have a future together. Or, perhaps, his is a honest I don't know , meaning that he really has no clue and it really could go either way in his mind ( personally, I am skeptic- I go by the rule that everything that's not an enthusiastic yes is basically a no- and I found this rule very true and very useful , but that's just me ). At which point though the ball is in your court, you have to decide if you still want to wait more, maybe years and years, for something that could also never happen, or if you want to cut your losses now till you are still young.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
If you want marriage and family and he is still not sure after 18 months of being together then I think you were right to ask. There really is no right and wrong. It's what works for you. Clearly you needed to know so for YOU it was the right thing.
It hurts and it's scary. But for you it was the right and brave thing... congrats for that.
Now comes the hard part.....
I think quite honestly that if after 18 months he's not sure what's going on in terms of how he feels about you, that yes he is stringing you along.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2012):
If you want marriage and a family and he can't see the future after a year and a half with you, I think it is time to part ways with him. You want different things.
At least you know where you stand and can go forward from here, and you won't invest any more time into a guy who isn't prepared to make a family with you.
I think you were brave and did the right thing for yourself.
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 May 2012):
Hi there. Does he treat you well and take you out to nice places?
Why I ask this, is I just want to make sure you are otherwise genuinely happy with this guy.
It's possible he is still making up his mind about you and the prospect of marrying you.
The one thing I wouldn't be doing now if I were you, is to try and force the issue by asking him again and again.
To do that, would make you seem insecure and needy and most men don't really like that.
For now, take the possibility of marriage and the future right out of the equation altogether, and simply focus on being happy and having fun and enjoying his company whenever you are together.
When you focus only on whether he's going to marry you or not, it could push him right away from you and his time with you could cease to be fun anymore.
You really want your time together to be happy and fulfilling and for him to have really nice memories of these times.
If he is having any doubts about you, it might be that he doesn't feel an emotional connection to you, and this is a really important part of any committed relationship.
This feeling of connectedness, is the real glue that keeps two people wanting to be together and stay together for the rest of their lives.
If you are unaware of what I mean by feeling emotionally connected, I mean to share yourself and your life with him - and him to do the same.
By this, I mean to tell him about your day and what happened, anything funny that happened that you think he might like to hear, anything at all pretty much.
It's this sharing that brings two people really close to each other, and it's really important.
If it's there you will know it.
It it's not there, you may be unaware that anything is missing.
But he might.
Also, it's important to be genuinely interested in him and his life and his health and wellbeing.
The more you share of yourself with him, the more he will share of himself with you.
It really is that simple.
In doing so if this is something new to you, just be yourself and don't overdo it, as it could come across as false.
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