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female
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*charlottex
writes:I was seeing a guy (not officially) for 4 and a half months. For the past month I'd been arranging everything, initiating most contact, whereas before he did everything. Last friday he told me he wanted to take a step back and he didnt know if "this" would go anywhere. We decided (my idea) to take a step back and take it from his pace (as him n his gf of 3 n a half years broke up 3 weeks before he met n started dating me). However on tuesday, I decided to tell him I couldn't do it anymore and we should take a break from eachother. He didn't seem that bothered. The next day his bestfriend told me he heard it was over, but he didn't even tell him that much. I don't think he even misses me... I wonder whether I should've just stuck with going it at his pace, rather than making the decision to end things. I'd like to know what people think I should've done or should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Just to answer what you've said in your update, that sounds like the EXACT situation i was in and the exact conversation I had-like i said in my other post with my ex. The conclusion that i reach from this is that he can't find it in himself to be ready for a relationship with you-that's why he's tried the time away etc to see if he can feel that or maybe even to replace what he has lost with his ex. It's so easy to say all the things he said that you're "growing on him"- i mean that's a pretty back handed compliment-its like he's trying to convince himself.When he found that it wasn't feeling right, maybe he didnt understand why, maybe he did, but the bad thing is he's trying to put the blame onto you-saying that things are too scheduled and too fast etc-trying to make you think that you did something wrong and you should have moved slower. But if he's not ready for a relationship that's HIS problem, not yours, you acted as any normal person would at the start of a relationship with someone they liked. So don't worry, you cannot change him or that way he feels so you did do the right thing x
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 August 2009):
 It does sound like you were the rebound girl :( As much as that suck, I think you need to understand that you did the right thing here. You went with your gut and broke it off.
People don't need a break 4 months into a relationship unless they either have major doubts or aren't really that interested.
I'm sorry but you deserve better.
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female
reader, xcharlottex +, writes (21 August 2009):
xcharlottex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all your help. I don't think he was using me for sex. We had a few talks about it. I'm just gutted that it went from him taking me places away and telling me that he really likes me and i'm growing on him & that if he hadn't just gotten out from a relationship he'd want one with me, to him saying he doesn't know where this is going & it's too scheduled cos i started arranging everything (not in a clingy way, just once a week) & that he liked me "enough not to end things", which I don't think that's enough do you? I guess because I'm an optimist a little part of me regrets ending things. Shame.
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female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (21 August 2009):
 if he doesnt seem bothered that you have ended things then he really isnt worth it.he was probably looking for some no strings attached sex but when it started to get a bit more serious like turning into a relationship he prob got worried maybe because he didnt want a relationship or maybe because he still isnt over his ex and maybe wants to try and work at things with her.he hasnt got his closure and you shouldnt be the rebound find someone who will actually treat you with respect
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): I think you definately made the right choice-who's to say that he would ever have started making more effort? I don't think he would have done. I had a very similar experience-got together a month after he got out of a 3 year relationship and after four months together it was becoming obvious that I was making all the effort. We had the same talk as you and broke up-only for him to ask me back out two months later when he was "ready" for something serious with me. I'm not saying this will happen to you-if anything it's a word of caution because we carried on for over a year after that and it was constantly up and down-we broke up over him texting and tryin to get with girls behind my back, got back together, argued constantly because i made all the effort. The truth is he NEVER developed those in love feelings for me and i think this is what would have happened with you.
This is a much more painful route to take, and in a way, a waste of time. How can you develop and kind of feelings for someone when you're fresh from a relationship and probably in love with someone else? It would just have become more painful for you, as he would probably just not have been open to a full, loving, comitted relationship with you-he was using you to get stronger. I know it's hard but try not to take it personally, you were just unlucky enough to be around when he was on the rebound xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): I am sorry this worked out this way, but I am sorry to say I think he used you as a rebound, which wasn't fair to you...it is common when someone breaks up a long term relationship for them to want to avoid the feelings of loss and grief by finding someone else right away. You probably were taken in by him because people on the rebound are pretty needy and they appear more open than most people right away because they are needy and want to build up their ego and their broken hearts. Regardless of who broke up with who, that is what I think happened.
I think the fact that you made most of the effort to get together in the last month was indicative of his waning feelings for you, he is feeling healed from his past break up and ready to move on. So don't beat yourself up over this, but in the future, I would avoid getting involved with a guy who recently broke up with a serious girlfriend...sometimes it takes up to a year to get over someone that you were with for a long time.
You didn't do anything wrong, you just got unlucky, it happens to the best of us..
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