A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I'm trying to figure out if it was a mistake or not. We'd been official for about three weeks, but we'd been seeing each other for almost 3 months. I broke up with him because about a year ago he dropped out of college and began working at a restaurant on campus. Since then, he's started smoking a lot of pot and occasionally doing other drugs. He almost always high and he spends all his money on it. All of his friends are like that too, and he's getting ready to move in with a low life kid who deals and is really irresponsible. I didn't want to be caught up in all this. He's a really good guy, he just doesn't have any ambition right now and he doesn't hang out with people who will encourage him to get some. I didn't feel like we'd been dating long enough for me to ask him to change his whole life though. But he's a really sweet guy and I didn't want to add insult to injury when I broke up with him by telling him thy I didn't want to be with someone on a downhill spiral, so I told him that I was breaking up with him because I just wanted to be young and carefree right now. That I didn't want anything serious. Which is technically true, but I probably would've stayed with him if he had his life together. I like him and I was happy with him. We got along really well and we never had any problems. So now I'm wondering if I've made a mistake. Should I have told him I had a problem with all the stuff he was doing and asked him to change? Or am I just feeling uncertain because it's such a fresh wound and I did care about him? Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling lost right now.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 You cant make a person change, and its not your job to save them. You definitely made the right decision. Stand by it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): You absolutely did the right thing. People change when they need to change and you asking him to change would probably change nothing. He's just going in a different path from yours, and right now, he's probably not a good influence in your life. He's got to make his own mistakes and grow at his own time, if ever. I was like that for a long time. I am a girl, and even though I wasn't into illegal drugs, I used to drink. A lot. I didn't know what I wanted, and it took me a long while to figure it out. And I'm telling you, not one of the boyfriends I had during that time, managed to change my drinking. Not even my boyfriend of 3 years who begged me to get my shit together. I just wasn't ready to give up on my partying and my life style. And I didn't stop until I learned by myself that I was on a path that was leading me nowhere. And I dragged people down with me, people who stayed even though they shouldn't have. So I think your reasons are valid, and you made a really smart decision here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2014):
 Yes, you did the right thing. For you and for him.
You should NEVER go into a relationship thinking you can or need to change your partner. It's more of a compatibility thing. Either you are compatible or you are not.
He is heading somewhere you don't want to go. And you were SMART enough to recognize this, and walk away.
He can be the sweetest, bestest guy ever, but when he purposely prefers to live a "gutter" lifestyle, he will have to learn that it's not for everyone.
One thing though, I would have been honest about the reason you ended it. Maybe it would have given him food for thought. Though it is NOT your job to fix him or his life - a nudge that a GOOD and DECENT gf doesn't want a lifestyle like that. Doesn't mean he would have taken it to heart, but never feel like you needs to lie when walking away.
It will hurt a while, but know that YOU did do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (26 July 2014):
 Hello,
I think you did the right thing. Getting mixed up in drugs is never a good idea and although some grow out of it, many end up becoming dependant or being stuck in a rut of hanging out with people who encourage a lack of ambition and drug taking.
You should never except, or try, to change a man to be what you want him to be. You need to find someone who fits the bill, not try and crowbar a hexagon shaped peg into a triangular hole. You could spend a lifetime hoping or waiting for him to change. Besides, if he changed for you he may resent you for it at some point down the line.
Your ex is in with the wrong crowd for sure, but if he was smart, sensible and mature then he wouldn't allow that to happen in the first instance. I know we all have weaknesses but he seems to be happy with a bad group of people. Those people are likely to drag him down, influence him and stop him from bettering himself. The bottom line is that he dropped out of his studies, is taking drugs, spends most of his time high and spends most of his wages on his habit at a time when he is presumably earning little and he is moving in with an irresponsible drug dealer.
You did absolutely the right thing walking away and you certainly don't owe it to him to "save him" from himself or his so called friends, and neither do you need to explain that his habits and lifestyle are the deal breaker. You gave him clear, respectful and honest reasons for breaking up with him and now its time to move on. Please don't spend your time regretting or wishing you could change him.
You are still very young and you are at a stage in life when relationships are often very much a case of trying different people out and seeing what works with you. Its easy to focus on his sweetness and good points, but as a long term proposition I am afraid its a no go.
Best wishes
Mark
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 July 2014):
 Well I certainly can't speak for you because I don't know how you feel deep down. But it sounds to me as if you made a very smart and responsible decision. I think it's just the fresh wound right now talking.
He's young. He may grow out of it. But you didn't have the right to ask him to change; you are absolutely right about that. I never was into drugs, but I was uncertain what I wanted to do with my life for a long time. I finally figured it out and am working towards it. But I am now 30 years old. Point being, he may grow out if it. But it's not your job to ask him to grow out if it for you. And he may not grow up until he's absolutely ready. For me, I needed the life experience and personal time to grow. But like I said, I was never on drugs. I just think he's young and just wants to 'live it up' for a while. Leave him be and move on. You made the right choice for you and your life. Don't second guess yourself. Like you said, that doesn't make him a bad guy. Just not the right guy for you. Good for you for knowing your standards and boundaries and sticking to them. You'll find someone who is everything you want in a partner.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): He is who he is. You made the right decision to break up. Leave it be.
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