A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was going through a very rough patch in my marriage. my wife suddenly wanted a divorce and while I resisted it at first, I eventually decided it was probably worth going through with.during this time I spent a lot of time talking to a female friend of mine who I had known for 2-3 years. I found that we had a lot of various things in common which I never realized before, probably because I was in a happy marriege (at least I was happy, even if my wife was not)and wasn't really paying much attention to other good looking women.anyway as my marriage began to unravel, I leaned on my friend for emotional support. I was going through a lot of stress and meeting her really cheered me up. Eventually I ended kissed her a few times - it never escalated beyond that, but it was obvious that I had strong romantic feelings for her. While she never kissed me back, she never rebuked me, never disapproved, nor did she stop seeing me.However, i had agreed to take up a job in another city to get away from my wife and 10 days before I was going to move, my friend said that we couldn't see each other any more - email/phoning was fine but she didn't want to meet me anymore. I tried to get a straight answer out of her but I couldn't. She said that if I was staying in town, she'd continue to see me. I was only moving 1.5 hr away so that can't have been the real reason. She said she didn't want anything to happen that would jeapadize our friendship and she wanted some time to think. I asked her where she expected or hoped our relationship to be in 6-12 months and she said she didn't know. This really came out of the blue and I was quite upset by this turn of events.Anyone know what happened? Did I just get a version of the "lets just be friends" talk? Or is it her strong moral compass that's telling her not to get mixed up with a not-yet-divorced-guy?Please help - I'm clueless about what happened, I don't know how to fix it and I miss her terribly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate: I decided not to have any contact with her for a week. after that point I called and left a msg saying i was leaving and just wanted to say goodbye. she called back the next day and everything seems ok.
I guess we'll just be friends for now. Still not sure how she feels, but during the 1 week I realized I would rather have her as a friend that nothing at all.
thanks for the responses.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): My strong advice, anon, one divorced man to another, is - DON'T try having another relationship for a year or so; this will be one of the worst things you'll ever endure, and you won't be really healthy again for a while. Anyone you try to date will be like falling in love with the nurse at the hospital while you're sick; what happens once you've recovered and feel like your old self again, instead of the wounded man you are now? Don't make someone a "rebound relationship". Keep this woman as a long-distance friend, but Don't try to get closer.Give yourself time to stay in the emotional hospital and heal up; no kidding, you're going to need it.
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A
female
reader, lilacfox  +, writes (30 August 2008):
 Hi,
I really feel for you, and not surprised you feel confused!
I think it may be a good idea to give her her space as if she feels pushed she may go in completely the opposite direction, and you may end up losing her friendship altogether.
Putting myself in her position, personally I would feel concerned that the guy was on the rebound, and getting emotional support mixed up with other feelings. I am not saying this is what you are doing, or indeed what she is thinking, just how i may see the situation if I was in her shoes.
I think it would be a good idea for you to take the job away, it will give you time on your own to experience life as a single person, find out who you are as yourself, instead of one half of a marriage, and also give you some time to heal.
If your friendship with this lady is a good friendship, then she will always be your friend. I can understand what she says about not wanting to jeapodise the friendship, as for example say you get into a relationship with her for all the wrong reasons (see above), it goes wrong, and then not only have you been hurt again, but you have lost a friendship as well.
Everything happens for a reason, and this job away from your ex~wife and this lady, and from the area where you have memories, may be just what you need to heal and get to know yourself again, and come back a much stronger person for it.
Don't hassle your friend, let her know that you don't want to jeapodise the friendship either, so you will give her her space and she knows where you are, you will let her call you when she's ready.
Good luck and take care :o) XX
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A
female
reader, MissHelp +, writes (30 August 2008):
This is really difficult, your splitting up with your wife and already falling into another relatioship. Just for now, let her think about it, if she says she just wants to be friends then don't push her, women hate men who nag and push them into these types of things. There are lots of different women out there, you'll find the right lass soon enough! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, MissHelp +, writes (30 August 2008):
This is really difficult, your splitting up with your wife and already falling into another relatioship. Just for now, let her think about it, if she says she just wants to be friends then don't push her, women hate men who nag and push them into these types of things. There are lots of different women out there, you'll find the right lass soon enough! Good luck!
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