A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out my ex-girlfriend had an abortion that she kept secret from me. Did I not have a right to know? We only went out for about 5 months before things went stale and we split in April. Last week I bumped into one of her friends in a pub and we got chatting, which is when she said my ex had been struggling after 'the abortion', not realising I knew nothing about it. I asked her for more info but she refused, knowing full-well she'd just dropped herself and my ex in it. So instead I messaged my ex and asked her bluntly if it was true. She admitted she found out she was pregnant about a week after we split, and it was mine. It still happened as well even though she had the coil fitted. She had it checked just after she found out and was told it had dislodged. She said she knew from the off she wanted an abortion and that it was always going to be her decision, which is why she never told me.I can understand that the DECISION was always going to be hers. It's her body after all and I respect that. But I just thought it was completely wrong that she wouldn't tell me about it. I thought it was completely heartless. It didn't matter that we'd split up, it was my child too. Our break up wasn't even bad. Things had been stale for a few weeks and we both agreed that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. That was it. There wasn't any arguing or nastiness. I actually got really upset about the fact that she happily told all her friends about it whilst keeping me in the dark and ended up saying some things I shouldn't have, for which I later apologised. The thing is I would have supported her whatever decision she made. If she was adamant she wanted the abortion I would have been there for her. If she wanted to keep the baby then again, I would've been there and done my part as a Dad even though we wouldn't have been together. Either way I would've accepted the decision.Am I wrong to feel upset by this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2021): It is her body, yes. Her choice... well, yes. But morally she was responsible for telling you. That child was also yours. I think you clearly did the right thing by ending the relationship. She is not a very nice person to not tell you something like that. If it was me, first of all, I would not get an abortion and end a human life because of a mistake I made, but if I did, I would have told my partner. Yes, you have a right to feel the way you do. Absolutely you do, and your feelings are never wrong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2021): Her body....Her choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): Yes, theoretically, you had a right to know. You were not in a relationship at the time; so she was living her own private-life. It's easy to say what we could have, or would have, done in a situation that has already happened. Invariably in your absence. It is done, and there is nothing you can do about it; apart from feeling resentful. Be that the case, maybe she was right not to tell you; because any disruption now could have been worse had she told you she was pregnant. That was the risk she probably felt she had to avoid.
How would she know you would be there for her, when things had gone "stale for a few weeks"...and as simple as that, you ended the relationship. What benefit is there in her knowing you might have wanted the child, but not her? You might only tolerate her presence for the sake of the child. A custody-battle may have ensued somewhere down the road.
She didn't want the child. She didn't want you to pressure her to keep it. That is what it all amounts to. She felt bad enough having to make the choice; without bearing the weight of your disapproval or judgment.
It's also pretty easy to say we would have done the noble thing; when there is no solid proof beyond your words that you would have been supportive. All being said after the fact!
I sympathize with you, and I would gladly argue on your behalf; but as you've admitted...it's her body.
I truly hope you will be able to overcome your shock and grief; and will eventually get past this. Get some counseling should you find it pushing you towards anxiety or depression. You are experiencing grief, and that is natural. It was your child too! Only, you couldn't imagine what she must be going through. Even now, you can still be supportive; but now is not the time to bring any drama into this situation. Which is highly probable, when you are overcome with emotion...and surely there is some resentment!
She was closing a chapter in her life. It will take an immense amount of willpower; but you should not dwell on this too long. It will lead you to anger and bitterness. She has to live with the worst part of all this. Bringing herself to do it was the most difficult decision of her life. The emotional after-effects are what she is experiencing now; because sometimes initially there is a numbness, and then a delayed-reaction of despair. An unbearable feeling of guilt and remorse. It wasn't an easy decision; but she was the one carrying the child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2021): She was most probably trying to protect you. She had made her mind up and she didnt think you needed to go through the same pain she did.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 July 2021):
 No, you are not wrong for feeling the way you do.
And yes, I think she should have told you. I don't think you had a "right" to know per se. But telling you would have been fair.
And no, I don't think she "happily told all her friends" about it. I think she was devastated and wanted support from her friends. She might even have thought she shielded YOU by not telling you, so SHE was the only one having to suffer the loss. (regardless of whether she wanted to keep or abort it's STILL a tremendous loss). And she might have thought YOU would think the pregnancy was a "trick" to try and get you "trapped" - we have all heard THAT story before.
She didn't leave you in the dark to hurt you. I think you need to remember that.
While it is the "right" thing for you to want to be there and support her through this, maybe it was less traumatic not having you there. For her.
Overall, it sucks. Her friend ( the one who told you) sucks too. That is not something she should have shared. It wasn't HER info to share. With ANYONE.
Where to go from here? LEARN from this. Even if your partner is on BC (pill/coil/implant) they CAN fail, so ALWAYS use condoms too.
I hope your ex is getting some counseling for this. She not only has to deal with the knowledge of her choice, the guilt, but the physical side. Pregnancy hormones are crazy and don't just dissipate right away after an abortion or miscarriage.
If you want to be there for her, I would suggest you offer to be a listing post if she needs one. Let her talk about it (without judgment). And YOU find someone (probably not her) to talk this out with too.
I'm sorry y'all had to go through this.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 July 2021):
 How does it matter now? You can't unscramble the egg. Yes, you probably should have known about the pregnancy and the abortion but I guess this action by your ex proves even more how incompatible you were/are when it comes to making big decisions. You are both not on the same page and never will be. It's best to close this chapter and move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 July 2021):
 I'm sorry for your loss, which you are obviously feeling deeply. You are upset and that is understandable.
However, did you have a "right" to know? You and your ex had split up. The relationship had run its course and there was no hope, on either side, of reconciliation. Your ex was entitled to make the decision as she would have been the one left literally "holding the baby", regardless of how much support you were willing or able to give.
I think it is the hurt you are feeling which makes you feel she "happily" told other friends and family about the abortion. As her friend told you she was having difficulty getting over the event, I doubt there was any "happily" involved. She probably told friends and family in her search for support and comfort, which she is hopefully receiving. She did not feel she could come to you for that, given that you no longer had any sort of a relationship. Just put yourself in her shoes for a moment and imagine how shocked and frightened she must have felt when she found out such a short time after your split that she was pregnant.
I feel sympathy for both you and your girlfriend. Please stop taking out your feelings of loss on her. For your own peace of mind, can you find it in yourself to contact her, apologize for whatever hurtful things you have said to her and say it was the shock and hurt talking when you said what you said? (I know you have already apologized but it would not hurt to draw a line under this properly.)
Both you and your girlfriend sound like you could do with speaking to professional therapists to help you get over this. Perhaps that is something you could look into?
Lesson for the future: no contraceptive is 100% safe. Unless you are in a committed relationship, where you have both discussed the possibility of children and are willing to raise a child which happens "by accident", use the "belt and braces" method of contraception - one for you and one for her. Wearing a condom would probably have saved you this heartache. It has to be worth it.
Be kind to yourself and your ex. This was nobody's fault. Learn from it and move on. Again, I am sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2021): I think the answer is no you didn't have a right to know but you really should check with a lawyer or the police if you still remain uncertain.
You both knew she was using a contraceptive, the coil,so you realised that sex was all it was and there was no expectation of pregnancy.
The fact that you said some stuff which you later apologised for shows that you can be verbally volatile which would be a clear reason why your ex chose not to discuss this matter with you.
At the early stage of abortion such as the first 4 to 6 weeks there isn't a baby.
In fact the chances of a successful pregnancy with a contraceptive device fitted are extremely low as there are many complications associated with this situation.
The doctor would have advised your ex on safety grounds for herself as there would have been considerably less chance of a successful pregnancy.
I think you feel a bit miffed at not being involved but the knowledge that your ex had a fitted contraceptive device made this outcome inevitable.
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