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female
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anonymous
writes: My ex and i were together for a couple of years. It was petty things that broke us up but nonetheless still important mistakes to be learned from. And I did learn from my mistakes with the time apart. I know what i would never do again. My ex and I have been talking for months now. He has been straight forward that he doesn't want a relationship right now where its a permanent thing etc.He said he would like to see me and he needed time and to let him get his head together. And i am assuming he doesn't want to jump with both feet back into what we were although I think we did love each other and he knows I would really like to see if something could still be there and to show how things can be very different from what they were before.I think through phone conversations, its not really enough to determine anything. Maybe after we are in person, both of us are going to decide this just isn't going to happen. Or maybe after being in person, eventually old feelings will come back. Its a gamble.When i mentioned getting together, he said he wanted to tell me that he can't right now because he has someone visiting him and staying with him. First let me say---he normally stays at his mom's but has his own place if he needs it. I was very taken back by this and said what are you talking about. He told me he met someone over a year ago while she was visiting on vacation and she came here to see him. She is from another country and it was only supposed to be for a few weeks but its going to be a couple of months. He said its not a permanent thing which is what he wants. He said when the visa is up, she is going back home and the only way she can stay is if i marry her which is out of the question and not even a consideration.I kinda got a little upset by this because I still saw it as a big thing that you are letting this person live with you. We have no claim to each other but we have been speaking for awhile and he knew I have been wanting to see him and he agreed to this situation. It was just upsetting to me----I'm not made of stone. Its basically a summer romance and she is there with him. We spoke the next two days when i wasn't as upset and more just strong and straight forward. I said it seems like there is more to this than what you are telling me and he said whether there is or not the person is leaving in two and a half months. Is it really the same thing as me telling you i met someone and we are together and its going to progrss from that? Is it the same as you and me? And i said its not the same but its still a big thing that you have that person there every day. He said basically its convenient. She is there, its not like he has to drive anywhere or pick someone up (i guess like he had to do with me). I am still assuming some feelings must be involved for this to happen and to spend that much time with them which makes me really sad as well.And he said I don't want a permanent thing and i said but you committed yourself to this person for 3 months and he said that he did. He said there were times he wanted to see me and then other times he didn't. And he said he didn't want to go back to the way things were so he was avoiding it. And he said its hard for him. I was just very upset by the situation and i told him if i was telling you lies about me changing and understanding what went wrong, why would i even talk to you as long as i did? I have been very patient and trying to understand him with his financial problems and not being ready etc.I said its a shame all of this is decided on the phone that you don't want to be with me or see if anything can happen regardless if it doesn't even last. He said he was worried also that what if one person felt the same after this and then other didn't. I told him well then if that happens that happens and we can't be afraid of everything.He basically said well he can't do anything about this now because its not like he can send her home. He asked what i wanted to do and I asked him the same and he said i would like to still be on friendly terms with you and if you want to get together as friends then i am fine with that.I basically said it took a long time for us to get to this point and obviously this situation you are in is what you want to do and is making you happy and that's what you should do. And he said right now it fits and he is content. I then said well then when we talk its as friends and its when you are not busy and when i am not busy. He said ok in a agreeable way and said ok so when you aren't busy and i am not we will figure something out. He started to say and then later on but then stopped himself and said nevermind. I said what later on?He then said i was starting to say but i shouldn't have even started to say that----(i don't remember it word for word) it was something along the lines of later on see what can happen from there..basically see how things go and if they can progress. But he said he doesn't want to say something like that and then not mean it later on. I just said ok. And i was about to let him off the phone and he said i am not in a rush to go anywhere and he tried talking to me about other things.My voice sounded exactly the same though. I think just straight forward and kind of drained. It would have been ridiculous to sound so upbeat after all that happened right?I am really just not sure what to think of all of this. I was very upset when he first told me this and even cried on the phone with him. But the next two conversations I was very strong and i think I handled things like a lady regardless of what happens next.I am just feeling hurt. I know I ABSOLUTELY need to do my own thing and date and i am not going to see him while he is with this person and i am stopping the phone calls on my end. I will send a friendly text on his birthday coming up. But some part of me is hoping we can become friends in person after all this and even just see if old feelings can develop.Did i handle things in a mature way? I didn't want to curse him out and i didn't want to close this book for a lifetime because sometimes you never know what can happen. Can anyone give their opinions?Thank you all.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 Hello. Im sure you handled things very well, so try not to worry about that. Youve grown and learnt alot from the past and you wanted to test the waters. Theres no shame in that. What did you think? Was the water cold, tepid. Or hot? It sounded tepid to me. But thats because he seems to have been in a LDR for the past year. Hes ok with being friends with you though. But he has to get through this other womans visit before he can work at that friendship. Hmm. Im sure if you go quiet, he will be on the phone once hes waved her off at the airport. But it sounds as if you will have to do the travelling as he prefers having someone visit him. Personally i think you have done all you can. Youve put yourself out there. Hes hummed and haa'd and wasnt even straight with you about him being with someone. If he had wanted you as badly as you want him, he would have been seeing you in person after the first phone call. A friendship might develope but it could take ages and you would always have to be in the driving seat. I feel you deserve something much better. Pursuing him is up to you but dont be too blinkered. You have learnt a lot, you have a good heart and with the right guy you could form a brilliant new relationship. That might be better for you than trying to salvage an old one with Mr Tepid. Just a thought x
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