A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Some background. I’m in my mid 20s, my boyfriend is early 30s. I went through a very tough breakup. This was at a time in my life where I was also experiencing four deaths of people close to me. I was an absolute mess to say the least. Throughout this I became closer with one of my work colleagues. He was there for me personally and supported me professionally. As we grew closer we began to discuss more. Family, hopes, sexual experiences etc. He has a girlfriend he’s been with for years and lives with. There would often be flirty/teasing comments said in a jokey way between us. Honestly it felt good to have some attention and nice too that I knew it was platonic and a ‘safe’ kind of attention. Bearing in mind that the only reason I feel it is taboo at all is because he’s of the opposite sex. If he was one of my girlfriends then I wouldn’t think twice about discussing sex positions etc. I started dating the most wonderful man and I now regret that my conversations with my colleague didn’t stop initially. He is a close friend and I didn’t like the idea of losing my rapport with him. My boyfriend has a work friend that he previously asked out that I was insecure about, I think that was part of the reason I wanted to keep this rapport with him. I don’t think I have actual feelings for him - I don’t want to be with him AT ALL. And never have. I just like our friendship and our banter. I’ve been hurt so many times by guys and every time I was with a guy I was ‘all in’. I was always the more invested one. My last boyfriend really did a number on me and although I don’t want him, and have realised I’m so much better off (irregardless of my relationship status), it still hurts to this day. This time I was determined to be different and actively wanted to keep one foot out of the door - not let myself jump all in for a change. I’ve been constantly thinking no matter how great it is now something will go wrong. I’d told my current boyfriend that I was finding it difficult to ‘settle’ as I was worried it’d all end at some point. We’re so so happy. He’s an absolute diamond and I’m so blessed to have him. For the first time it feels like a proper relationship and he’s genuinely my whole world. We’ve been together six months now and he’s desperate for me to move in. We both really get on with our ‘in-laws’ too. Several months ago I told my friend that we shouldn’t really talk in this manner anymore as it wasn’t fair on our significant others. This manner meaning any remotely sexual chatter and excessive talking (messaging late at night or lots). The second point is a shame as if he was a woman I wouldn’t think anything of it. I talk to my girlfriends all of the time. He was a little reluctant but agreed it was probably for the best. I feel incredibly guilty about this because truth be told I’d feel betrayed if my boyfriend behaved like this. However I know I’m excessively paranoid and would find issues with a lot of things that others wouldn’t. Have I had an emotional affair? Should I tell him? I’m terrified of doing so and him never trusting me and hurting him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2020):
 I don't think you were emotionally cheating, but you were a bit overinvolved and unprofessional. IMHO.
Having conversations of a sexual nature with a guy that you work with, who happens to have a partner and YOU also have a partner, its a little inappropriate. Having the whole "sexual experiences" is (for some) something you can discuss with a CLOSE friend, but not with a coworker, even one who is very friendly. You need to have SOME boundaries to stay professional.
And I think you should also think about this, WOULD you like for YOU long term partner to have those kind of conversations with the girls at the office? Maybe even discussing YOU (in a sexual situation)? Would you want him to be texting another women at all hours of the day? Yeah, pretty sure you wouldn't want that, so don't do it yourself.
Tone down the work-friendship. Tone down that texting with the coworker.
I think you know this already. And I think you nipped this (a little late) but better later than never.
And your BF having a female friend at work, doesn't EXCUSE your own behavior.
There IS a difference from sharing personal detail with a guy and with another female. (if you are a straight female) Because the intimate details of your sexual experiences is something you would (you being a "general you") only talk to someone new you were dating IF you felt it was an important things to discuss or with close friends, not someone you have to maintain a professional relationship with or a random stranger.
You nipped it in the bud, let it go and USE common sense in the future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2020): I think you do have some emotional-attachment (slightly of a romantic-sort) to your co-worker; and have been using him for a safety-net and surrogate-boyfriend. He would be your fallback-guy; if you screwed-up your current relationship. The one you'd run to, to dump all your pain and sorrows on. Let him go! He has a girlfriend. He's not your go-to guy. It got too intimate. You deny it, but your post contradicts itself constantly.
I think a lot of times women get attached to men with wives and girlfriends, because they figure they're more understanding and domesticated; as opposed to single-guys with no attachments. Assuming their "sensitivities" are more acute by being in an active-relationship with a woman. I'm sorry to say, that's how you tempt guys who would otherwise behave themselves. Not that he doesn't have full responsibility for his own actions; but if opportunity presents itself (or it is presumed that it is an opportunity) sometimes weakness overcomes commonsense. That goes for either sex!
I see a great-deal of overthinking in your post; and that's usually a very bad sign when it comes to relationships. Especially, when you are in the infancy of starting a new one.
The mind gets going, and that's how you invite paranoia and suspicion. They will move into your mind, and they won't pay rent! Keep it up; then confusion and indecisiveness sets-in as well!
I speculate that you also have a small measure of cynicism and distrust going-on regarding men. Part of learning and growing is making mistakes and recovering from them. Not becoming totally damaged and overwrought; because you failed to get out of a bad-relationship, before it became toxic and emotionally-overwhelming. You have to own-up to your own poor-decisions and bad-choices. Don't look for "excuses!" Excuses will lie to you, and convince you that you're a helpless victim; and totally innocent of responsibility for the choices you make.
Stay level-headed, be honest with yourself; and avoid deluding yourself into believing one failed relationship means that's what's to be expected from men from now on. Stop claiming it's always the guy's fault. Who's the one who keeps getting themselves into these rotten relationships? You're supposed to "go all-in;" but that's not the same as going "overboard!" Adults know that giving your heart to someone comes with risks. Those risks go both-ways. You're not the only one who can, or will, get hurt. You might say and do wrong things too! That doesn't make you deserving of abuse or mistreatment; but it should be good reason to leave when things get totally out-of-hand, and you've realized he's the wrong-guy!
If you don't consider the part you've played when the relationship started to fail; you are doomed to repeat it. You don't cling to someone who cheats, abuses you, or shows you disrespect. That isn't love, it's martyrdom! You can't change people by smothering them with love. If they're bad for you, you have to getaway from them before they completely mess you up!!! Men are not all such monsters that women can't find a single good-one anywhere; no matter how far and wide they search. There has to be some things in you that need fixing, if you continuously make the same mistakes! Boyfriends are replaceable. If you pick a bad-one, you dump him. You don't suffer "woe is me" for the eternal-hereafter either! If you pick a rotten apple, would you still eat it? You toss it, and pick another!
You don't start another relationship until your wounds have healed; and you are no longer carrying baggage leftover from a failed-relationship. Especially, if it was a very toxic and abusive one. Your trust-issues will sabotage one relationship after another! You will place the demand on every guy thereafter to go out of his way to make reassurances; and force him to cater to your insecurities. Not fair by any means!!! If he's a diamond, don't dull his sparkle! Polish-up your own, and let both of you shine for each-other!
Sooner or later, you're going to have to forgive and forget your ex. You're still clinging to him too! It was very inappropriate to be discussing sexual-positions or flirting with a guy committed to somebody else. Discussing your very personal-life with co-workers is in itself crossing the line. It's TMI, and the trust could be misplaced. You were not talking to one of your girlfriends; and you were fully aware of that. You were testing his curiosity towards you to see how deep it would go; and you wanted flattery and positive-feedback to boost your self-esteem. My dear, you save those kinds of conversations for YOUR own boyfriend or husband; not another woman's man! A whole lot of misunderstandings are made; and boundaries are crossed, when you go there! You're not that naive, you knew what you were doing.
Whether you had an emotional-affair or not is irrelevant. You now distance yourself from the other guy; and focus on your own relationship. He is a colleague, and he's also taken. So now you have the opportunity to set proper boundaries; and put everything into proper-perspective. You need to undo the emotional-dependency you've placed on "somebody else's guy;" and be a big-girl, and deal with whatever challenges your new relationship will bring. Focus on the man who is giving his heart to you; and let the other guy take care of the woman in his life. Your friendship crossed too many lines to keep it going like it was. Some distance would be good for you right-now!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2020):
 Erm.. oh gosh .I am going to sound snotty , but… would you tell us where do you work ??:).)
Really, I can't think of any work environment where such a descriptive kind of locker room talk would be appropriate . You say that the only difference with this guy is that he is a male, meaning that you'd find nothing wrong or awkward in discussing your favourite sexual positions or stuff like that, with female cowoworkers. That's what surprises me, because in my experience , and in the experience of anybody I know- it just is not like that. There's banter, there's joking, there's even flirting- but there are boundaries firmly in place that do not even need to be stated, people just know sort of naturally that no, you don't go to lunch in the canteen and tell your colleagues of any gender about your last anal sex session.
I have mostly done white collar jobs in my life, but when I was young I also had summer jobs in very informal, blue collar places- and there, in fact, if any, my female coworkers were more reserved and demure than my office colleagues in the years to come…
Another thing is , the age bracket - I haven't always been so " uptight " all my life, of course; I remember all my friends and I made a point to describe to each other in gory details our first encounter, or our first oral sex experience… but we were still teens !, the tell-all impulse dwindles naturally and rapidly, and by your age ( late twenties ) is gone and most of all, if you really need to share something so very personal, you do it with your close friends, not with people you only have work relations with.. Anyway : no, in my opinion you did not emotionally cheat, because you did not open up with the intent to seduce this guy or excite him or get closer to him, or whatever. Intent is very important in everything, you basically don't even like this guy more than you like other colleagues, nor you particularly wanted to impress him, right ?
You have just been a bit naive and impuklsive, and a sense of loneliness and loss ( the traumas you had gone through ) has made you crave for instant connection, leading you to inappropriate and not professional behaviours. Nothing terrible, particularly for what concerns your relationship that, IMO , has been neither disrespected nor endangered. Still, you want to watch out for the future, it's nice to be cordial and friendly at work, still there are lines that should never be crossed. People ( particularly married guys ) are quick to misunderstand your intentions and where you are coming from, and anyway this type of excessive intimacy is totally not fit for the workplace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2020): If you've never had any romantic feelings for this man, then personally I wouldn't mention it to your boyfriend. Yes, boundaries were crossed, but from your end it does sound fairly innocent, if inappropriate.
However, I would say that your work colleague has/had designs on you. Men don't generally talk about sex positions and message late at night unless there are some intentions there. I think that this man was having an emotional affair with you, as he's attached and actively chasing you, but I think that you were treating him as a friend, although inappropriately.
You mention that if he was a woman, that there would be no problem with this sort of talk. I agree, but he's not a woman, he's a guy who was probably hoping for something to come from all his attention and banter. It feels wrong to talk this way with a man because men rarely behave this way with innocent intentions. He was definitely trying to get you into bed, something which in the future, you should not be so innocent about and nip in the bud immediately, if you are attached or disinterested. This work colleague would have thought that you were sending him very positive signals and could possibly be branding you a 'tease'.
Thankfully he seems to have taken your decision well, to stop flirting with him, but if I were you, I would stop ALL contact with a man who was trying to get it on with me, if I was in a relationship that I valued. IF your boyfriend learned of the conversations that you used to have with this man AND that you were STILL in contact with him, then THAT would certainly cause a lot of distrust in your lovely relationship and rightly so.
What do you value more, your wonderful relationship or to continue talking with a guy who was trying to get into your pants while he had a partner at home and you were also with someone. I know you like this man at work and value his friendship, but really, if you look at it from an outsider's point of view and the viewpoint that your lovely boyfriend will surely take, is that he is a sleazebag who knows how to make women feel good, how to flirt and how to, ultimately get their clothes off.
Time to cut all contact and lose the innocence, put this behind you and concentrate on your wonderful relationship. Good luck.
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