A
female
age
30-35,
*ola29
writes:I've decided to take a break from my bf of almost 3 years. I was sick of him not being too honest with me with the people he's met and accused me of being too friendly. i went through his phone and saw alot of girls he seems to be close to , nothing seems to be going on, but the fact that he didnt bother to discuss with me who they were and what he does when he goes out with them, hurts me. He gives me a lot of crap since most of my friends are guys and we both go to different uni's and we both live abit far away. so seeing each other is a mission. the previous year, we both went through a problem with this girl, who was after him and i broke off everything for a really long time. and after seeing all this, all the pain came rushing in, telling me im worthless, and unattrctive and my self confidence in my self just disappeared. i feel paranoid hes cheating i feel angry he thinks ill get jealous as he gets with me so thats why he doesnt bother to tell me about them. if he had been open with me, i would have loved him even more. i dontknow what to do. after i confronted him about it he begged me to calm down and that its not worth crying over and that hes sorry and hed tell me everything fromnow on. he just didnt think it matterd since he wasnt doing anything (cheating ), i think thats really selfish of him. Im not very good at getting angry with him for very long, so we made up and the next day i left for home and cried my eyes out over everything, so i messaged him telling him i want a break atleast this week, as ive got exams and its hard enough studying and thinking bout everything and him. I really want to get over this fear and be myself again, i want to feel better about myself period. he replied saying he respected it and understands but doesnt know why i didnt further talked to him about it,so he can explain clearly face to face instead of messaging it all out coz i wouldnt care either way. I told him that we made up so fast i didnt want to keep doing this pattern of just making myself suffer just to make u feel better that everythings fine. so did i do the right thing? i dont knwo when ill feel like i can talk to him again. i miss him alot, and wonder what he's up to and sometimes hope he decideds he's sick of it all, and calls me up. but he seems to be keeping his end of the deal and disappear till i feel okay. i dont know what to do,very confused lolany advice would be so greatly appreciated !
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a break, confidence, jealous, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Oh, and thank you quiet-echo. :)
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (22 June 2010):
Well then I'd say his reason for lieing is because he's made that mistake in the past and is afraid to tell you of another girl because he want to have friends, but doesn't want you to be worried about it. Trust is a very complicated thing, and very hard to come by. You just have to let him know that whatever happens, she can talk to you about it. My husband lied quite a few times, but once I got that point to him, he was honest about things and our relationship got 5x better.
we've talked about the cheating thing. We both agree that if one of us finds ourself developing feelings for another person, we are not to blame. Emotions are not controllable most of the time. If we fall into that situation, our agreement is to tell each other as to not hide anything, and do everything possible to cut ourselves off from that other person. Physical cheating is done once it's done, but emotional cheating can be stopped in its tracks.
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A
female
reader, lola29 +, writes (22 June 2010):
lola29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for that answer, i totally understand it. the reason i got so worked up because he didnt tell me about it, is because of what we went through, where he emotionally cheated on me with another girl, and i caught him kinda slipping in to that point again. i feel alot better, but not ready to talk to him just yet.
thank you again
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (22 June 2010):
People don't always lie because they have soemthing to hide. They lie because they're afraid of something. And he was afraid of you or what you're reaction might have been, meaning you've given him a reason to be afraid. From what I've experienced, a lie in a realtionship means that there are two problems at least: The fact that one person told a lie, and the fact that that person felt like he/she needed to tell the lie.
A lot of times, that needs comes from having something to hide, but in your situation I think it doesn't.
Just relax, try to be open and cool with everything and breeeeattthhhe. It isn't too big of a deal if he didn't tell you about all of his friends. I agree with you, that it would have been a huge improvement if he had, but it's pretty much just spilled milk. People don't always make the right decision and we have to forgive for little mistakes. Pick your battles and cut some slack here. I think your insecurity in yourself is standing in the way of reason and clear-headedness. I honestly don't know how you can go back to your own self again, but you may want to start by giving yourself an hour to think about things because you confront your BF with them. it's hard not to pick up the phone and call right that second, but just force yourself to breathe. Then, CALMLEY call him, don't act upset, get the explanation you need, give it another hour to sink in, and call him again with your thoughts.
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