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female
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anonymous
writes: Did I do anything wrong? The other night my fiance took me out to bar but didn't talk to me. He said he was waiting for me to answer his question of why I only drink with my friends and not him lately. I told him there is no answer, I simply drink when I want to and don't when I don't want to. Plus, in the past year I have thrown up from drinking with him! I have only been out once in the past 2 months, and I drank with some friends because there was a minimum which i wasn't aware of.Then, the other night with him i had a glass of champagne and didn't feel the need to "get drunk". I'm going out with my friends tonight and purposely not drinking so he doesn't get mad. Is there something wrong with this picture? When I confronted him he said that I have him mistaken and he doesn't want me to drink, but just wants me to answer his question. I'm thinking this ties in with his wanting me to smoke cigarettes even though I don't like to and never did before I was with him. He said that if I started it with him, and need to keep doing it to keep it the same. He has also said that about drinking (Im not much of a drinker and one night I got drunk with him at the beginning when we went out). He said I did it then, so I need to keep doing it. He also said that about having sex (the first time we did it I said we shouldn't do it again because it was against my beliefs). And he said it was my fault and then I never should have done it with him in the first place because I have to with him or he thinks I don't love him anymore. Is it too late to change into a better person, or does he have some valid points? I feel like I can't change into the person I was before I met him.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (4 August 2007):
 I would tend to agree with the thrust of the other two answers. I think there is little wrong with you and alot wrong with him. Nobody has the right to form your behaviour in the way that he wants too. Partnerships should be about things shared but there also has to be space for the individual to exisist as an individual.
I smoke but would never insist a non-smoking partner took it up, in fact id probably consider giving up for the right person and in the right circumstances. I am actually really close to somebody who doesn't like me smoking but she's always made it plain I dont have to give up even for her, although I most likely would.
Don't let yourself be dragged into this spiral of seeing things as being 'your fault' and that you must be a 'better person'. If he cant accept you for who you are then he is the one that doesnt love you. Notice how he trampled over something that was important to you with regards to not having sex but expects you to conform to his every whim. I think you to have to think about ending this relationship to be honest, and that would make you a better person. Sorry. Good luck. Darrell.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): He sounds abusive. Why would he want you to drink and smoke? He already views you as "better" than he is. You give in to what he wants and you give him permission to get more controlling, more abusive.
He is insecure and jealous. You going out with friends is no sin, you should have a personal life that does not include him-we all need our personal space and friends.
He won't change, what you see is what you get. Can you stay with someone like that? No. You already resent him and cant' trust him and that is why you feel you are falling out of love with him.
Trust your gut-don't sacrifice your happiness for him, you owe him nothing.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): I am sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a jerk to me, and he is controlling.
It is absolutely absurd to insist you take up smoking and drinking to the point of puking with him just to be the same as he is....both habits by the way are unhealthy and can lead to major health problems, duh....
And to say to someone that they have to continue to have sex with you early on in the relationship when you don't want to do so because he won't think you love him is emotional blackmail.
You need to grow a spine and be who you were before you met this man, because my guess that girl would give this guy his ring back.
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