A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: One night in the first year my wife and I were together we got into a huge fight and we broke up. we wernt married yet. She left my house and went home and at the time I was completely devastated. I went out to an all night grocery store where I ran into an exgirlfriend who worked there. as fate would have she was just getting off work. I took her home and slept with her on the same bed and same sheets that I had just slept with my wife. As hard as this may be to believe I really was emotionally devastated and confused. The next day my ex had just left and no sooner had she gotten out of my driveway did my wife drive up. She said she was sorry and I said I was sorry and to try to make this story shorter we made up. I remember that I shut the bedroom door because I didn't want her to see condoms in the trash. Instead of going in the bedroom for make up sex we did it on the couch. I had just had sex with my ex and then I was having sex with my wife. When she got up to use the bathroom I sneaked into the bedroom and hid the condoms deep in the trash. We slept all day in the same bed and on the same sheets where I had been with another woman. I am disgusted with myself thinking of it. That night my wife and I went to the same all night gorcery store where my ex was working. She did the driving and I was really sweating bullets. My ex saw me and her together and she didn't say a word to either of us. I saw my ex the next couple of days later and she was quite upset. She was dissappointed and very hurt but she understood that we wern't getting back together and that I didn't play her for sex. I remember a lot of crying and saying I was sorry and that was both of us crying and saying I'm sorry. I knew that she still had feelings for me and I still had feelings for her but we both knew that I made my choice. She said she loved me enough to let me go. Now what I need to know and what has been bothering me all this time is did I cheat? Am I obligated to tell my wife what happened? She broke up with me that night. I can't help but feel guilty but I am getting tired of carrying this secret. Other than that one incident I have never been with another woman.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): If the genders were reversed then would people be telling the woman that she cheated?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): In the same bed, on the same sheets? Ick. I've never been so heartbroken that I just had to go out and have sex with someone else, especially someone I knew had feelings that I did not reciprocate. You took advantage of your ex and you slept with her to punish your girlfriend/wife, not because you were hurt and confused. You were really unfair to two women who loved you and you were dishonest with both of them. Since you started your marriage with a lie, you may as well continue to live with it. Telling her would only make you feel better and you don't deserve to feel better.
And yes, although you were technically broken up (for what, an hour or two?), you know you weren't officially broken up so, yes, you cheated. If she'd had sex with someone because she was "devastated", wouldn't you have considered it cheating?
I suppose your guilty conscience is punishment enough bec
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A
female
reader, trishine +, writes (1 April 2010):
Yes, you absolutely cheated on your wife. With that said, what good could come out of telling her about it now. It would be extremely hurtful to her and it would only serve the purpose of easing your own guilt and making you feel better. Well...live with guilt. Don't tell her and continue on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 If you believed that you did not cheat, then there is nothing to confess and be guilty about.
Others may see it differently but that's their opinions and you don't have to agree with them.
Just change your perspective. You have been under a delusion.
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A
male
reader, Dekten  +, writes (1 April 2010):
I'm going to give you a *completely* different angle here.You didn't cheat on your wife, you cheated on your ex.When you hopped into bed with your ex, you were under the impression you weren't going to get back with the other girl, right? So that isn't cheating, just *really* lousy timing.With the ex, however, the situation was different: she did expect you two to be back together. Maybe you did too, I don't know. She's the one that did the crying, that's for sure.Then your other girl comes along and you (technically) dump the ex again.You have to be REALLY thankful to your ex here. Even though she was devastated, she didn't ruin things for you. It wouldn't been SO easy. That's love, man. She wanted you to be happy.So feel some gratitude to your ex and live a happy marriage. Maybe visit her some time (but don't hop into bed with her!)
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (1 April 2010):
 ..Hi there, How do you cheat on someone who you said you had broken up with? For the moment there was no relationship, so you didn't cheat on her. Let it be. Do not tell her anything. If you feel guilty, find a priest and confess. It was an irrational thing to do with the ex-girlfriend, since you probably knew that the two of you would be getting back together. But you did not cheat, in my opinion. Take care.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (1 April 2010):
 You had broken up, I don't see that as cheating. Ok, it was a little creepy about having sex on the same sheets, ect..but that kind of thing happens sometimes. You don't say how long you've been married, but it doesn't really matter so much. I think I would keep this information to myself, seriously. I don't see where any good can come from it. All it will probably do is upset your wife. You've been faithful to her ever since, so why bring up something that will only hurt her? Bury it away, and let it go.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (1 April 2010):
Yes you did cheat. But considering the circumstances I'd suggest you forget about it. Bringing this up now is a bad idea. You have already paid with your guilt. If you say something; you will certainly wish you hadn't.
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A
female
reader, little me 05 +, writes (1 April 2010):
I do not think that you cheated on your wife I mean things happen people f*** up......We learn from everything.....You did nothing wrong really...She should not have left you know.
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