A
male
age
41-50,
*arfteiner
writes:My wife and I have had a semi-open relationship. Several years before we got married, she asked about having other women around - for both of us. She has had more girlfriends than boyfriends (sexually, romantically is inversed). I was not comfortable with it and initially declined, citing my feelings on the subject and staying firm on it. A year or so later it came up again and to make her happy, I consented.Over the next few years she asked why I didn't play alone with other women while I was out of town for work. Honestly, I was not comfortable with the thought of such a thing but because she said it would be a big turn-on to recant details to her, I tried it a few times. On one occasion, a friend of hers was in town and recently out a bad relationship; my wife told me to "have fun, tell me the details!". We had sex several times over the next week, and I dutifully told my wife all the details.And then I caught myself thinking, what if I eventually had feelings for this other woman? What if I feel this way because this woman is so similar to my wife in so many ways?I was destroyed. Wrecked. I broke. My wife felt betrayed by this, that I thought I could possibly develop feelings for this person - and I deserved her ire and anger. I knew this.Our primary rule, from the beginning of this arrangement, was that if we felt there were feelings involved the situation must come to a abrupt and screaming halt.Three years later:She buys a plane ticket out of town. She asks if she can play with other guys (one in particular) while on the trip; I tell her twice that I'm not comfortable with it and that it's a bad idea. What I didn't tell her is that I knew she had been telling this person - and he to her - that there were intense feelings, both emotionally as well as sexually involved.She takes the trip. Comes back, tries to hide the fact that she slept with him. They have matching tattoos (in different parts of the body). She now tells me that she's willing to try counseling with me, but that she's glad she did this.I'm stuck with betrayal, rage, and a permanent reminder of the infidelity, lies, and loss of trust in the form of a 5" tattoo at the base of her neck... if we stay together, I will see this tattoo every day for the rest of my life.I really need advice. I want to make this work, but I'm so angry that it makes me sick. At the same time, I almost feel as if I brought this upon myself by allowing this pseudo-swinging arrangement to occur.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 From the outset of the relationship you two had different expectations and different standards. It sounds like you were trying to be a good guy and accommodate her, even though deep down you knew it was a bad idea.
About all you have left is to tell yourself, "I told you so." She thought the mere idea that you might develop feelings for her friend was a betrayal, yet she goes and falls head over heels for this other guy. To me her tattoo would be a knife in my guts ever time I saw it.
You're beating yourself up for "allowing" the open relationship. I suspect that you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't. If you'd put your foot down, she'd have accused you of being boring, insecure or some such thing, and she'd likely have wandered regardless.
You two weren't compatible from the start. As painful as it is, it's time to move on.
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