A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've posted numerous times before anonymously. Long story short - my ex and I work together. Friends first then started dating which was perfect...he told me he had a stronger bond with me than he'd ever had before with anyone, after three months he said he wanted us to start saving to buy a house together next year. His Nan died fairly suddenly and he broke down - shaking crying, telling me he was depressed and didn't want to get up in the morning. I spoke with his parents (he's 26, I'm 25) and they said he's always been the strong one they've never ever seen him like that so he must really trust me. Shortly afterwards we broke up. He ended it told me we had nothing in common, he wanted to travel and that he didnt want a relationship. Within a week he was on tinder, within 3 weeks he tried it on with one of my mates (someone in my department at work). Since this he's completely cut contact with me - flat out refused to speak about our relationship. I've tried SO MANY times to contact him - he'd blocked my number so I'd found numerous ways to get in contact. I'd told him I wanted to talk to him about us but if he really doesnt want me then I can't deal with the contact at work - I'd said unless it was absolutely urgent he has no need to talk to me... multiple people have said (including my boss) that he has no need to talk to me at all. He went to the big boss to get me to stop contacting him - and she being a woman understood why I was confused but reiterated that we needed to leave each other alone. My boss (his best friend) said to him that he has no need to talk to me and my ex agreed and said he has no desire to - yet they've had that conversation numerous times and he still does. He has ignored any contact from me yet initiates unnecessary contact at work all of the time when I go out of my way to avoid him. This has lead to people saying that he's doing it for an ego trip because he knows I still care. I resigned due to all of this and the big boss, my boss and 2nd in charge of my department all talked me into retracting my notice. His best friend (my boss) told me that my ex was a 'fucking idiot' and that he has no clue what he wants. They all talked me into staying and I managed all of a few weeks before having a catastrophic breakdown (it was the 1 year anniversary since we broke up and he'd yet again made an excuse to talk to me at work. I ended up self harming and literally going off the rails. I got in my car and just drove and drove and drove and had several people talk me down. If I'd had my purse on me I genuinely don't think I'd have gone home. This entire year he's blocked any attempt I've made to contact him yet still goes out of his way to contact me at work, stares, tries to wind me up (asked who was single in another department in front of me) and on the one occasion we did speak about us because he approached me he started crying and walked out as I was talking. He's also tried it on with literally everyone under 30 at our work - to the point where people have called him creepy and have said he's embarrassing himself. He's been knocked back consistently. I contacted him again yesterday and he responded saying he'll block me, it's harassment and if I carry on that he'll contact the police. I've handed in my notice now but can't leave until the end of December - considering getting signed off with stress as I cannot see him again. Why am I so unable to give up on him? This whole time all I've wanted was to either get back together or clarity about why we actually broke up. I've believed that this was all because he was grieving over his nan but he's turned into a different person. Some people I know that know him from years ago described him as narcissistic. Is it me? Was I the problem? Did he lead me on or am I just stupid?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 August 2019):
 If ever there was a cautionary tale about what a bad idea it is to date work mates, this has to be it - from BOTH sides.
Your ex is probably making a point of speaking to you about work to show you that life has to go on and you both SHOULD be able to be professional. You, on the other hand, sound to be running completely on emotions and trying to make the situation as complicated as possible. I really do feel very sorry for your ex, having to deal with a "bunny boiler". How bad must it be for him to threaten to report you to the police if you don't stop harassing him?
Your relationship is over. He does not owe you an explanation or "closure" or ANYTHING. In an ideal world, you would be able to carry on working together. Sadly, despite his best efforts, YOU are making this impossible. What he does or says has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! He can date Godzilla and it should not matter to you. He can date each and every one of your work mates and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
He is free to do what he wants. YOU are the one who is (or SHOULD BE) in control of your reactions. Stop embarrassing yourself by acting like this. Shake yourself down, hold your head high and start acting with a bit of dignity.
Most importantly, NEVER date a work mate again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2019): He threatens to contact the police if you continue to bother him. Why would he make such a threat if he's the one bothering you?
If I were you, I'd be the one getting an order of protection first. You have witnesses that he's contacting you at work; but then, you cancel that out by doing the same.
You both are in dire need of therapy. Especially you, with all the drama and "self-harming." You're on this perpetual-pursuit of closure. You know why he broke-up with you. He doesn't want you, he just enjoys stirring you up, and creating drama. He may need some bereavement-counseling; but he's too busy being a horny-dog chasing females! That's coming from a different place. It ain't grief!
The warped-psychology behind his madness is to keep you emotionally-disturbed, and in a constant state of anguish. That will keep you from pursuing any other romantic male-companionship. He does seem somewhat narcissistic in the sense that he likes you constantly upset. He whips you into an emotional-frenzy; then acts as though he can't be bothered. He knows you're still clinging by a thread. You can't move-on! You pretend you're being harassed, by putting on an act in-front of everyone; after you've done everything possible to get his attention.
All the crying, melodramatics, and theatrics just need to stop! It's TV-style drama for everyone's benefit. Drawing far too much attention with your weekly-episodes!
You're somewhat of a drama queen, and he's getting his jollies and narcissistic-supply from your irrational-behavior. You already have your closure. He told you why. He is actively using a dating-site, he is chasing other females on your job, and he spitefully messed-around with someone you know. That's closure, and he is a total dick!!! His poor dead grandmother didn't cause this, don't blame this on her. He's keeping you from finding someone else; before he finds YOUR replacement. While you're in flux, he's busy searching!
Here's a little side-advice. Your boss is playing two-ends against the middle. It's none of her business, and she's not your friend. She's a traitor, and likely working more against you than for you. Otherwise, she should be insisting you be professional; and doing everything possible to keep him away from your work-place. Unless she's the owner, or a principal officer and stock-holder; I don't see how your workplace allows all this distraction and potential liability to carry-on?
When does any work get done, and why would they allow all this to distract all the other workers? You wouldn't have to resign, I would have to terminate you! Everybody on the job is caught-up in your little soap-opera!
If he won't leave you alone; file a restraining order. Stop stalking him, or he will probably get one with your name on it. He's is eventually going to find himself a new girlfriend; and you will still be on this mission for closure that will never happen. You've gone-over the edge. I think it's time to get some counseling. Let go!
I'm inclined not to believe he's bothering you as you claim. It doesn't make any sense. I think you threw that in to keep us from telling YOU to leave HIM alone. Even if I'm wrong about that...leave him alone!!! Make your own closure. There is nothing to discuss about "us." There is no longer any "us!" You want to pathetically plead a case for yourself. That would be beneath your dignity. He dumped you, sweetheart!
When you get some spare time, pour yourself an herbal tea, and read this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/your-ex-is-sending-mixed-signals.html
I've been a little harsh with you, because I'm trying to snap you out of it. I know how you feel, I really do!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2019): I'll make it short.You both sound as if you have some issues. You bonded not because you are two grown up, healthy individuals, but because you are not.As long as you do not work independently of your partners on whatever it is that is bothering you, you are likely to find yourself again in a similar situation.Didn't you find it strange that after ONLY three months of dating he told you he wanted to buy a house with you?Didn't you find it strange that YOU thought this was completely normal?He didn't want to be alone when you were together and neither did you. So, you made this construct together - your relationship.I seriously doubt that he had never had before a depressive episode. Families tend to lie to outsiders about any mental health issues, wanting to protect their own.But, enough about him.Your behavior suggests that you have some serious issues - obsessions, compulsions, self harming, stalking, involving all the people around you in your problems (colleagues from work!!!)... Get a therapist if you can. I don't think he is the reason you are screwing up your life. He is a consequence of something. You need to figure out what it is, ideally with help.You would have most likely have had the same reaction had you been dumped by someone else.As I said, these things do not come out of nowhere.Focus on yourself, get professional help and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 August 2019):
 You need to leave him alone, OP
You are PRACTICALLY stalking him at this point.
OK, you thought this was going somewhere and in the end it didn't.
My guess is he dumped you because you SAW him at his lowest. He doesn't WANT to date someone who has seen him be "weak" and "emotional".
JUST accept that he ISN'T the guy you had hoped he would be and you are NOT going to re-kindle anything with this guy.
LEAVE him alone. MOVE on.
You are CHOOSING to chase this guy and making a FOOL of yourself in the process and unfortunately, in the eyes of the law you ARE on the cups of being charged with harassment and stalking for which he has AMPLE reason to do, you KEEP doing it after he tells you NO more contact.
It doesn't MATTER if he lead you on. IT DOESN'T matter!
LEAVE him alone.
If you keep contacting him, I will say you are being STUPID because it can RUIN your career and your WHOLE life if he sues for harassment or press stalking charges against you.
He changed his mind about dating you. It is what it is.
He doesn't sound like a catch and I hope you will knock some SENSE into yourself and let him go so YOU can find someone (and not a coworker) to move forward in life with instead of being stuck on a guy who doesn't want you and isn't worthy of your love and care.
Have some self-preservation, OP. Don't screw up your life over a man who CLEARLY don't give a single F about you.
Come on!
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