| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Would you be upset with your long time BF if you just spent two weeks on vacation and the last two days you had together when you got back back home he did not stay at your place? Instead he went back to his for some "me" time?He could have spent the night with you on the last two days before having to get back to real life but he chose not to. Said he just had two weeks with me and needed his own time.I was a bit hurt by that. Felt like he was trying to get away. We had an amazing time and shared a lot of intimacy and closeness and I just saw this as him distancing himself. I am not sure if I should mention it as I feel a little resentful right now. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 I'd also want some space if I were him. That isn't a bad thing. On one hand it could be (if he felt smothered and is second guessing your relationship) and on the other it could just be him giving himself a chance to miss you (and bounce back better than ever). You should know what type of a person he is and figure out which scenario applies. If he seemed offish before you two parted ways then he may have felt smothered but if everything was 100% amazing before he went back to his place then there's no need to worry. Good luck.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 Would I be upset... ? Not at all.
I guess that's because personally I'd get exactly where he is coming from. After 2 weeks of 24/7 intimacy and closeness and romantic bliss... I'd be clicking my heels and chanting "There 's no place like home, there's no place like home " :)
Everything is fine, OP, don't fret. Obviously you like each other a lot and get along well and can spend time together happily and with mutual satisfaction. But intimate does not mean fusional , and if the partner may also be the most important thing in your life, it does not have to become all your whole life.
Yes, after two weeks of 24/7 condivision, most people need a little bit of healthy distance and " me time ". Some are introverts who need to recharge their batteries after overexposure to other persons, as some posters suggested, and other may simply like the chance to go sleep in their own bed, shower in their own bathroom, and have time to water their plants or do their nails or cook themselves an omelette or whatnot without the constant presence of a witness ( although none of the activities they intend to engagé in is immoral or questionable ).
Plus, yes I realize that people have different needs in terms of closeness and that's fine, of course, but , then again, ... when do you total closeness lovers THINK ?
I 'll try to explain. When you are with another person, whether you are making love, or playing cards, or having a conversation, your focus is on them, what they are saying and doing, or your common activity . Focusing only on your own stuff would be inappropriate, even rude, and also very difficult in practice.
But.. don't you ever want to THINK ?
And I don't mean of course big questions : " Is there an afterlife ? " " What's the meaning of life ? " " Does unconditional love exist ?" ( although regular people too , not just philosophers, think often in philosophical terms )
. I mean just thinking , like in arranging and organizing something : where you can buy party favours for your kid's birthday party that are original and don't cost a fortune. What can you do to mend a rift between two cousins of yours who don't talk to each other. Normal stuff.
Or daydreaming, even- " what I would do if I won 1 million ". Daydreaming is essential, you know ?, to fight stress and stimulate creativity.
In short, everybody thinks and everybody needs to think , and the more you spend time with people ( particularly in a romantic , intimate context ) the less you have time, freedom and ease to do it. So if a person , after two weeks of close contact and constant communication, needs a little bit of personal space, I find it not only normal, but also mecessary !
...............................
A
female
reader, EFM94  +, writes (2 May 2016):
 I can understand your feelings of being hurt and disappointed by this but try not to take it too personally.A lot of people like and need their own time in a relationship and he might just like his own company. He might have had things he wanted to do. Also if you had just come home from holiday he probably just wanted to go to his own house to settle back in. Try not to think it's anything to do with you because chances are it isn't, especially after you had two lovely weeks together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 May 2016):
 I get why you feel hurt, but I also TOTALLY get his point of view. You two don't live together normally so spending 2 weeks can seem rather "immersive" and wanting to have a few days of "me-time" and rest before going back to the job and daily routine seems pretty normal to me.
I'm not a hugely social person. And I actually ENJOY my me-time while kids are in school and hubby at work. Getting the "me-time" helps me recharge for the "demands" of being a mother and wife.
Think of it this way. If he is a little bit of an introvert, social situations are draining. If he is an extrovert they are recharging.
For me, (introvert) I NEED time to recharge. My husband on the other hand loves being surrounded by people.
Your BF isn't distancing himself, he is recharging. And he is processing all the good times.
Also... don't forget when you are on vacation with a partner you are still on your BEST behavior, it's nice to get some me-time to let down your hair fully and just chill. EVEN after 20 years together!
Don't take it personal.
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (2 May 2016):
I think I'd be disappointed but then I'd reverse the thought and feel better.
I'd love it if my boyfriend agreed to spending the last couple of days staying with me before returning to the grind of work..... BUT... if it was ME that had to stay with HIM after the holiday before going back to work I'd decline because I would just be itching to get back home and unpack, do the laundry ,check the mail and sleep in my own bed. If I like those little luxuries, I can't resent him for liking the same
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2016):
 Yes there was a time I would have been very upset and hurt and felt unloved and unwanted if this happened.
Now, I'd be the one going "I need my down time go away"
IF it's really bugging you, say something...but keep it to "I'm a screwed up hot mess and I'm FEELING" do not accuse him of anything as he did NOTHING wrong but probably wanted to
a. do laundry
b. sleep in his own bed
c. shower at his own place
d. catch up on grocery shopping, mail etc...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): HiPlease say absolutely nothing. You just had two weeks of wonderful closeness and intimacy etc and you want to ruin it by making him feel like he has no room to move? No freedom to be able to spend some time alone? This is very needy behaviour on your part and if he knows how you are reacting to him wanting two days alone I fear that he will think again about his relationship with you.I adore my partner, but if I just had two weeks with him, I would need some time alone. Nothing to do with how I feel about him. There are different personality types in this world and some of the variations are people who need to be alone to recharge their batteries and others who need to be in company all the time to recharge their batteries. I expect you are familiar with the terms introvert and extrovert? Tis is the true definition of those personality types. Those who need to be alone at times are introverts (the true definition)and those who can't stand to be alone are called extroverts. Your boyfriend is probably an introvert in this way. He NEEDS time alone. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you, just about his needs as a person. If you cling to him like this, you will make him feel suffocated and you will weaken his feelings for you. If you leave him alone when he needs it, he will appreciate you, love you more than ever....because you understand his needs. You are also giving him time to miss you. VERY IMPORTANT. Read up on personality types, languages of love, differences between men and women etc etc and then you will learn how to help your relationship along, rather than just concentrate on your own needs and therefore, ruin it.Good luck
...............................
|
