A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Did my husband have an affair?I have been married for 17 years this year.Our sex life for the last 10 years had been almost non existant.It all came to a head about 2 years ago. My husband was being flirty with a work colleague and going out with her and other people and leaving me at home. The marriage wasnt good, but instead of working on it, I decided we needed a break for a few weeks.I came back to my home town and visited family. My husband and I were in contact everyday. I had been away for 2 weeks and I was talking to my husband and he asked if I had been looking for someone else? so I said of course not , why have you ? and he said yes I have a girlfriend.for people who dont know my husband , he is a big joker, so thats what I thought it was. A few days later we speak and he thinks I should stay where I am and try and sort a place for us , and he will join me. So I agree and get on with doing this. Still talking to him everyday.On the month of my birthday (I have been away for nearly 2 months at this point) He says he is going away for a few days ..I stupidly dont think anyhing of it and even tell him to have a good time . Go forward 3 months and we are chatting like we do most days and he drops the bombshell that he has been seeing this colleague and has been since I had been away for 2 weeks. He thinks he has already told me ??? I am angry and feel very betrayed...we dont speak for a while. Then he emails to say that he has been thinking about us and that he is confused and not to give up on him.Then she dumps him and he starts getting in touch more.I love him and I always will. We talk about reconciling (even though I didn't know we had ever split up)I go and visit him and everything is good ..we have long talks and loads of tears but we leave it and see what happens. anyway almost a year later we are back together and he is living with me in my place. But there is no affection, he doesnt seem to feel any remorse for what he did , because he doesnt think he did anything wrong. We dont have sex , but this time it is him who doesnt want it . Are we doomed and should we just call it a day.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tawnyowl +, writes (14 February 2011):
 I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but why should you expect your partner to never have sex again just because you don't want too...and then when he does you are upset. Please understand that sex really is important, not everthing, but it's crucial to a good relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Hun, leave him. He has had no feelings about hurting you.He doesn't love you. His lover left him, therefore, he came running back. Why be second best?LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Not having sex is way normal(I'm told by my wife) just make this the new normal and breathe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): It's not all his fault. YOU decided you wanted a "break". What is that anyway? What did u think he would do? You are ok with being away from him for 2 months? He lasted 10 years without sex? He deserves a freakin medal!I'm not saying he's innocent but you need to realize the wrongs you made to him, long before he cheated. Why are you so hurt he did this? I mean, you obviously stopped caring a long time ago. Being away from him for so long, and being ok when he called and said he was going away for a few days...did you ever think he would call you to tell you these things so maybe, just maybe, you would say you missed him, or loved him, or needed him? He doesn't want sex because that was the norm before
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): A few things catch my eye here 1) You had problems in your marriage and rather than sort it out you left your husband and went off somewhere for months. 2) You say that you do not have sex anymore 'but this time' it is him that doesnt want it, leaving me to believe you were not having sex previously due to YOU not wanting it....I'll be dead honest with you...You too have a hand in this mess. When you had problems, rather than sort it out, you went away for months on end, leaving your husband lonely and open to all sorts of temptation, which it seems you were already aware was brewing. He may have actually sought this woman out because he felt you did not show interest/commitment to your marriage anymore and of course he was lonely. Also you not wanting sex previously is, in my opinion, a kind of abuse in marriage, it leaves one's spouse feeling rejected and unloved. It is not as if you are unable to, but you just choose not to. It is cruel and unfair to one's spouse. So you are not completely innnocent in this scenario. You are not doomed. You can still make your marriage work if you both want to. I am not supporting or trying to justify his infidelity, but the circumstances have to be discussed. If say, for instance, you made effort to improve your sex life, and tried to rediscover some passion in the bedroom rather than run off; say for insatance you had a heart to heart talk with your husband as to how to make things better and what if you had sought some counselling when things where going down the pan...10 years is a very very long time for sex life in a marriage to be 'almost non-existent'. I'm almost surprised that he has not had an affair before now. I'm sorry girl, but you pushed it too far on this, particularly if you kept refusing him sex almost consistently for the last 10 years....What did you expect??? To me it is a kind of fraud in marriage, and yes abuse. You are married, people do not marry so they can become celebate. They marry so they can enjoy sex and a lot of intimacy, companionship and raise a family. Now you have to make changes...same as he does, mind you I am giving advice on the information you have given me. Turning the tables around, if your husband literally constantly denied you sex almost always for the last 10 years, how would you feel? Perharps you too started getting some attention or was attracted to some at work, how would you feel if your husband left you alone for months? Is that the behaviour of a man that cares? How much more likely are you to have an affair? Maybe you somehow thought you were punishing him for whatever reason. This behaviour has to stop. I read this kind of thing quite a lot. It seems some women think it is okay to deny their spouse physical intimacy and then cry foul when their spouse strays. I tell you now he is wrong and you too are wrong... Talk to your husband, you both need to have a heart to heart open and honest chat without being confrontational. Seek counselling and be willing to show love and tenderness to each other. Be patient with each other. Make time for each other(companionship) and make time for sex in your relationship. Stop taking each other for granted. All the best.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 It is time for you to get in touch with a good divorce lawyer. You have put up with way too much from this man!
The reason your husband doesn’t feel any remorse is because he wasn’t the one who decided to break off the affair. If his girlfriend hadn’t broken up with him, he’d still be with her. As soon as another opportunity arises, he will jump right back into another affair. This is incredibly unfair to you.
After 17 years of marriage, this is not going to be easy for you, but it is in your best interest to move on. Find a good psychologist to help you through this tough time. Eventually, you will get over this man, and you will find someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve!
Please let us know what happens. Keep your chin up and stay positive! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Shelley Harris +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Hi,
I'm really sorry to hear your relationship is not going in the right direction. I would suggest you go to relate or a relationship coach/counsellor. It seem that both of you have different ideas about what is right or wrong. And for you there is now a trust issue, sometimes in these situations you need a mediator to get across the message. You need to know where you stand so that you have enough information in which to base a decision. A lot of men have a crisis during the middle of their lives and look to solve it outside of marriage. It is not good if he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. You need to ask yourself if he is going to give you the life you want a hard decision I know because I had to make that choice myself, but you do only live once and you deserve to have a good life. Communication is the key here.
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