A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am here to vent/advice/ any input at all..I am starting to think and believe my ex boyfriend was a narcissist. and wondering if he ever loved me at all.he and I were together for a couple years "in love" and would introduce me to friends and family as his future wife, the whole bit. he later broke it off saying he was unhappy, but would always return to me proclaiming his love. he has disappeared a couple months ago and now has reappeared all over social media with a new girlfriend and "happy". things are now starting to resurface through friends that he was pursuing multiple girls during the whole time we were involved. while making me believe otherwise..yes I know I probably let this go on for far too long (on and off for 3 years) but I really believed in some sick way he and I would end up together. how can someone be so hot and cold? and so cruel to drop me like I never existed? I wonder if he even cares or wonders about me and my feelings.. how can he suddenly be treating this girl better and giving her all I wanted?!so sad and confused.. trying to look for answers
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): All you've said regarding your relationship seems to indicate you may have been so infatuated with a "player" you just didn't bother to see the red-flags.
Players are well-practiced at telling women what the want to hear. They make you believe you're the first and last woman he's ever loved. His magic potion is the "L-word." He always said he loved you when he wanted you to take him back. When he wanted to shut you up, or when you suspected he was cheating. You found evidence, but didn't want to give him up to any other "bitch."
He just missed someone to take care of him, or the other female threw him out. Once he hit the jackpot and found somebody else. He moved on. Done with you and whatever you contributed to the previous breakups.
Oh, there's two sides to every story. You get to tell yours, because it's your post.
He was such a good player, he even made sex seem like an experience he has never had before. Have a big fight, he'll bring out the sweet-talk and tell you just how much he loves you. Even produce crocodile tears for dramatic-effect. Told you how special you are, and just how super sorry he was. Knowing better, you took him back; or worse, pleaded for him to come home.
He poured-on buckets of honey and sap; and you lapped it all up like a starved kitten over a bowl of milk. You wanted a perfect and everlasting relationship so bad, you didn't see signs there was something shady going on.
If he can recover as quickly as that, he never was Mr. Wonderful. He was what you wanted him to be. You broke-up and kept taking him back. You refused to take the chances given you to get-away. You were absolutely certain he wanted you to be his wife. It was all smoke and mirrors.
How could you be his future wife, if he never proposed? A fiance is a woman engaged, that's a future-wife.
You don't have to wonder if he ever loved you. The question is, why did you keep breaking-up and taking him back? Why did your relationship get so bad that you had to?
So don't you fret over whether he ever loved you, if he obviously doesn't love you now. He could have loved you very much, but he's still not with you. He found himself another woman. He's a certified and card-carrying assh*le.
Some relationships are to last but a season or two. They aren't meant to be life-long. You do your best. If they fail; you go through your period of loss and grief. Then you pull yourself back together, and you move on. Life presses on, and you find other people who'll want you just as he did. You just consider this a lesson learned, and improve yourself to be ready for something better.
It doesn't matter what he's doing with or for her. Worry about your own life and happiness. Freeze him out of your heart, and rebuild your life. Go forward and don't look back. Answer no calls, harbor no resentment or bitterness, and completely purge all thoughts of his existence.
You have your freedom now. Make the best of it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2016):
 He could be a narcissist. He could just be an immature dumb shmuck.
It IS very much in the narcissist MO to do the push/pull - the on/off, to date multiple people and NEVER taking real responsibility for how they hurt people.
That is just a TINY part of a narcissist's MO. I'm sure you are familiar with the rest.
But here is the thing, OP. YOU are looking for reasons as to WHY he did this to you. (and other women) instead of accepting that YOU allowed this for 3 years. That you may NOT have noticed a pattern at first, but NOW you do. So in the future, when you SEE red flags like the ones you experienced with this guy, you will NOT sit idly by and take it OVER and OVER. You will NOT take BACK a man who treated you in a way that isn't ACCEPTABLE to you. No matter WHAT empty promise he makes. Because he isn't GOING to make those changes. Not long term and not permanently. Not for YOU or another woman.
And YOU need to realize that YOU are the lucky girl, NOT the one he is with now. HE hasn't changed. What you see on social media is what HE wants YOU (and others) to see. NOT the truth.
A guy who treats women like he treated you is NOT going to turn around and do a 180 and be a GREAT BF all of a sudden. IT doesn't matter WHO she is. HE is who he is, and he will NOT change. NOT for anyone. He, like most narcissists, are VERY good at maintaining his "public image". They are VERY charming, VERY convincing, VERY fake but VERY good at making "fake" seem genuine.
Don't worry about him ANY more. Don't feel "jilted", FEEL relived. He could have wasted another 5-10 years of your life doing this off/on thing. Instead? YOU !!! got a fresh start. So take advantage of that! Don't look to the past, that is over and done with. LOOK to YOUR future, one without him. I will STRONGLY urge you to keep an NO CONTACT with this guy because another trait of a narcissist is to play with people's emotion, even the people they so carelessly "discareded." Basically, he WANTS you to keep YOUR focus on him, no make your life a great one without him.
Chin up, you dodged a missile!
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (28 December 2016):
Get a pic of him and tape it to a cushion and then rant and rave and kick the pure poop out ..You will cry you will laugh ..tell him what a loser he is for messing you about for this time but your going to have the last laugh as you are free ..
As who's to say he isn't doing that with new gf he has .. A face for one and another face for others .. do not beat yourself up over this .. you are to good .. too proud .. have a value on you and when he comes sniffing around and he will just set him on his way back the way he came ..
Another good cognitive treatment is buy an elastic band and every time you think of him zap it wear it on your wrist ..your mind will soon realise ouch this hurts .. write every night before bed how much happier you are without him
You have no more lies
No more facade
No more torment and you are free to find the perfect one for you ..
Good luck to this gf by all means it looks like she will need it
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (28 December 2016):
Get a pic of him and tape it to a cushion and then rant and rave and kick the pure poop out ..You will cry you will laugh ..tell him what a loser he is for messing you about for this time but your going to have the last laugh as you are free ..
As who's to say he isn't doing that with new gf he has .. A face for one and another face for others
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