A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago my now ex and I broke up. we were from different cultures and religions and he decided that his family would disown him and things could not go further after three and a half years and the best part of our younger days together. Following an arguement we soon broke up leaving things as they were with no closure. I moved on and met someone else but we continued to keep in touch with arguements intermittently. During a period of ending communications I continued to recieve occasional texts from him but I never responded. Then I began recieveing calls from witheld numbers I didn't answer. I heard from mutual friends that he had got married. Several months later we got back in touch and met up a few times having not seen each other for 2 years. I remained happy for him despite my own hurt at how things had turned out. It was mainly small talk but he never talked about his wife. Months later he sent a random text in the early hours of the morning telling me he was soon having a baby. Somehow I felt that he had been trying to hurt me all this time. I changed my number after that. When I chose to leave the little remains of the friendship and didn't send him a birthday wish on his birthday,he found out and sent me an email asking how things were. I was reading through my diaries recently and every entry was a painful encounter of that relationship. The endless back and forth, him insigating breakups. Endless messages/phone calls that would go unanswered. It's an unbelievably true/realistic encounter and I'm surprised that a younger me managed to overcome it but it was cruel, demoralising and confidence destroying.I don't know why but now 3 years later I'm experiencing the worst painful part of it all.How can I move on from all this and the silly question I ask myself is did he ever care, not that that should matter now. Why does he want to hurt me in this way. Sometimes I feel that he just wants to talk about the past because there is a lot that he cannot overcome, but I just cannot trust him to have that conversation.
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Hi,Sorry that you are in pain for so many years. Let me start by saying that I was in a 10 years relationship with a man with different culture, background, and religion. Like any other relationship, started as friends, and I never imagine that I would love this man so much, I didn't know this would last so long, and never had any expectations. Here I am, after 10 years. We are still friends, contacting each other everyday, spending time together weekly, knowing this will never have a future. We're both single, so I know one day I will have to go through what you are going through. That eventually he will get marry, and have kids. I wish I had straight answers for you. In my opinion, by him contacting you after the break up means, he has moved on, and hope you both can still be friends. He wants, and expects you to be happy for him. If I am right, he's a very selfish man. I am sure you are wondering, how did you love this man for so many years, and didn't see this side of him? How could you have love a man that is so selfish for so many years? I am sure that makes you sick to your stomach when you think about him. Just know that, he truly loved you the years you've been together, but he's a strong man, that when it came to a point where he had to make a choice, he did, without looking back. So, after all these years, you can learn something from him. Be strong, and always do what's best for you. Do not look back, do not have regrets... I know it's hard to let go of the past when you don't have proper closure, it makes it more difficult, and it's unfair. I guess, it's part of life... Sometimes, we just have to move on, accept the fact, and do the best to don't let these things let you down. At this point you have no choice, because you are still alive, and have to be strong, rather you want or not.Life goes on. You did the right thing, avoiding him, changing you number, etc. If in the future he sends you an email again, pls reply. Short, and simple. I am happy for you, i am sure you have a great life, but please, do not contact me anymore Because honestly, I don't give a damn I know you are trying to comfort yourself, trying to make sense so you can be at peace, and stop feeling angry, but no matter how hard you try, it will never make sense. Just know that it's over, it doesnt matter anymore. Whats important is the future, put your energy in yourself, people around you that moves you... You deserve to be happy.... Be strong...Hope this helps. I hope you feel better, I wish you a wonderful future, and hope all your dreams come true. Good luck
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I don't think he is trying to hurt you, I think he wants to keep you in his life and this is his way of keeping you abreast of the changes that he is going through. I am sure on some level that he misses you and holds special memories about his relationship with you, despite the acrimonious break-up.
However, it does sound like he is bringing up painful feelings for you. Again, my guess he is oblivious to the pain that this is causing you.
It sounds like you are taking proactive steps in dealing with it. You've changed your phone number and you are beginning to realize what his memories do to you. Past love(s) almost always trigger strong emotions so understand that what you are feeling is normal. I think you feel this way because he's now married and has a child, which I suspect you ultimately wanted with him in the past.
Give yourself a little bit of time to get over this latest episode. In time it will get easier. In the meantime, if he does manage to contact you again, I suggest explaining to him that his contact make you feel uncomfortable and hurt more than help and that you really wish he'd leave things where they belong: in the past.
Good luck.
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