A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have two wonderful children and my husband and I love them very much. My husband has two brothers with schizophrenia and he watched in despair as their lives spiralled out of controlled. He always worries that one of our children could have mental illness one day, even though he feels confident that they are very normal. The 3rd and 5th sibling developed mental illness in his family. At 38 I had a misscariage and he was not happy about the pregnancy to begin with and admits he felt relieved as he was too scared of the possibility of mental illness. I was extremely upst that I lost my baby, took me a while to get over it.Just yesterday at almost 41 I have a pos preg test. I've always felt I wanted one more child, but had mixed feelings. He broke down sobbing and said he cant do it he cant take the risk of one of his children possibly developing mental illness. He is convinced it could happen. I am devastated, I want this child, he is terrified, so am I. It's either what I want or what he wants.I will have amnio to check for chromosomal abnormalities, but who can predict mental illness, or anything else in fact? Either way, one of us will be devastated, with the decision.The thing that scared me is his reaction, I have never seen my husband cry like that, all the memories of his brothers illness came back to him.I would welcome any advise, in my heart I've always wanted another child. He wants me to terminate on these grounds! I don't think i can. He is seeking councelling, but says he doesnt think it will change the way he feels. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I can relate to your story and my heart goes out to you.Being in a situation like this is really difficult and to be honest, we cannot blame your husband too for being terrified about this. But what to do with your pregnancy now? Ask him if he could just choose to terminate his baby. I agree with the previous 2 responses, if your husband truly did not want another child, why didn't he use some contraception? The last pregnancy you had of which you had a miscarriage would have been the point to decide what better to do to avoid this in the future. Talk to your doctor about this illness or try to research. Schizophenia is genetic but it does not mean your children will have it. Even your husband does not have it. His offspring will have lesser chance to have it as your children will have your genes too. But this does not entirely make your kids free of the illness.I have a distant relative whose family consisted of 6 boys and 6 girls (a very big family). Imagine, 3 of the boys and 3 of the girls ended up in the mental hospital for this illness. Most of them passed away now and one got cured. But the ones who doesn't have it got married and no one among their kids has this. Their kids are my age now and no one has it so far. Yes it's in the genes but I read somewhere it also depends if it has been triggered. Like if the person experienced depression in life or has been abused or has a life changing event that happened. If they will be raised in a happy family and they are emotionally healthy, I do believe your kids will be fine. That's as far as I know. I am only sharing what I know. It is best to seek professional help, it's good your husband would be willing to go for counselling.I sincerely wish you the best.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 At least he is seeking the counseling.
You may not be able to change his feelings, but he is going to need to accept you are pregnant with HIS child.
You need and deserve his support! If he can not give you that, consider counseling for yourself and gather your supportive friends and family nearby.
If he really did not WANT another child, he should have taken the steps to get a vasectomy or use birth control, instead he put the burden of family planning on you.
He should consider sterilization if he is really afraid of passing on what he views as a genetic disorder.
Your husband came from the same gene pool and did not develop the same mental illness. Remind him of that.
If given the option, should his parents have terminated him or his brothers en utero based on a problem that "might" have happened?
He also needs to refocus on his relationship with you, not an imagined situation. He is reacting to circumstances that have not happened and may not happen.
YOU are right there and if he can not deal with the facts of the situation, he might find himself losing a wife.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 September 2011):
 First of all, he needs to seriously calm down and get a grip. I understand that he had a really rough past that has emotionally scarred him. However, he needs to look forward. More than his fear of a child with a mental illness, he needs to understand that his past is not his future.
Second, if he didn't want another kid, why isn't he using birth control? I don't think it should be the kid's fault that he is scared. It's a good idea for you to be tested, but in the meantime, this kid could grow up and do great things!
What is the worst that can happen? This third kid might deal with mental illness. Your husband is no longer the little boy with no control over what happened. Your husband is now the man who will love a kid regardless of his challenges, and can immediately and swiftly get help and do the right thing.
Your husband is not the little boy he was. Your child should not have to pay for his trauma. Think of it this way, there's an even higher chance that this new kid will not only be sound of mind and body, but he could very well grow up and invent a breakthrough in mental engineering.
I don't agree that either way one person will be devastated. It's possible that this kid could be born and be totally fine! Your husband has to be strong. This isn't his brother. This is his son or daughter. Even if his child turns out to have mental illness (the chances are a lot slimmer than in his generation), he is not going to relive his brother's mental illness.
If you terminate this child, it will ultimately lead to the end of your marriage, because I don't think that you will be able to recover, and his guilt will also weaken your marriage bone. I know you don't want to, and I'm with you on this. The time to decide having another kid was BEFORE you got pregnant, and not now. The memories of his brother are absolutely irrelevant to this case. He will be the child's father.
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