A
male
age
36-40,
*nonosaurus
writes:Hi I've been dating a girl for a short while, we have been on 6 dates so far and have spoken on the phone every day.I really like her and when we are together we enjoy each others company.Things were going okay but we still hadn't kissed by the second date. She said she wanted to take things slowly. After the fourth date she told me that when she was a child she was sexually abused and that she is going through a recovery program and that she has been in some abusive relationships as a result of her choosing bad partners.She has changed her life around completely and has a good job, good life and prospects but this is the first time she has tried dating since.Despite wanting to take it slow and my own reservations we kissed on the 5th date and recently on the 6th there was a lot more kissing and physical contact, warming up to sexual contact. I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs at this point which she found funny and laughed off despite appearing to be very much up for it.She told a good friend of hers about this and they couldn't believe that I had asked that considering what she told me about her past and told her to be careful as she has made the mistake of going for nice guys in the past who turn out to be nasty.She genuinely believes I am a nice guy and I would say that I probably am but as I don't know about her whole history I can't tell how damaged/affected she still is by what happened to her and yes I do find her very attractive but I find myselfunable to know what is appropriate? It has hot me questioning whether I really am a nice guy or suitable for her?When we have been together we have just acted as normal and younger felt great but then I get worried that maybe she is not in control of her emotions and that what I feel is different to what she feels?I'm so confused but I don't want to hurt her or wander recklessly into something that could be a very deep relationship.Does anyone have any advice for dating someone with this jons of background?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (12 July 2011):
The reality is that neither you nor her will know how she will react to a normal relationship, having been in abusive situations in her life before. You don't know if you can trust her to be able to handle a healthy relationship, because she doesn't know herself if she can handle it. However, it would be a mistake to assume that because she has had bad experiences in her past that she is not able to manage good experiences normally. It might take her some time for example to adjust to healthy and positive sexual experiences rather than unwanted experiences, so she might have some moments when she is fearful when she doesn't need to be, overwhelmed, or push you away even though nothing is wrong, but if you are able to react normally to these instances, with some understanding and tolerance and be ok about it knowing it is a reaction from her past and not about you, she will learn to regulate herself.
It can take a bit of work to figure out things that come up from her past and things that are an issue between you and her like any normal couple, but if you talk things through you can work through any of the problems you have to face like all couples have to do.
All relationships come with a degree of risk. You might have a sense that there is a bit more risk to this relationship, but if you take things slowly, you can take the time to work through the issues as they come up. I would say for you to trust your intuition on this one. You like her and you sound like you are caring and will do a lot to make the relationship safe for both of you. On the other hand, if you have real doubts you should listen to them too, and make a choice that sits best with you, weighing up the risk and reward.
A
male
reader, Anonosaurus +, writes (11 July 2011):
Anonosaurus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. I suppose some of my biggest concerns are that she is able to cope with a relationship and all that comes with it. At the moment although we have only been on 7 dates she texts me everyday and rings me an hour every day too. I suppose I want to know if this is normal behaviour or maybe part of a dependancy she has from her trauma. she is very optimistic about her life at the moment and accepting me into it but obviously I don't see what goes on in her recovery sessions so all I am able to do is trust her that she is able to take on a healthy relationship. I am also scared about what I am getting in to, I do really like her but I can't help thinking about what might lie ahead? I never would want to hurt her and I worry about her emotionl state but I don't know if I am strong enough to help her through everything. I was naive enough after she told me about it to try and treat it as a normal relationship and it felt great but then when I suggested to go upstairs it hit me again that I need to be more responsible and considerate. At the moment it feels like I could back out now and it would hurt her but it would be a safer option for me or I could take it as it comes and could be the best relationship of my life.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (11 July 2011):
Firstly, do not make the mistake of thinking badly of yourself because you wanted to go upstairs with her, because you want to have sex with her, or because you find her attractive and want to be physically intimate with her. Sex is not bad and your attraction to her is not bad, it is not what we do it is the way we do it that matters. These things show that you like her, and that is not a bad thing, it is the way you go about expressing those feelings and acting on those feelings that counts.
The way to do it in a good way means taking her feelings and thoughts on this matter into consideration, which you are doing, and acting with her in mind knowing what she has been through. Respecting the way she wants to do things. You know that she has been taken advantage of in the past, and you don't want to take advantage of her, so you state you aren't sure how to conduct yourself, to know what is appropriate. What is appropriate is for you to be yourself, and let her become comfortable with who you are in her own time. If you guys are getting on really well and becomming close, kissing, developing intimacy, it is ok for you to be honest about the fact that you are attracted to her and that you would like to have sex with her, if that is how you feel. It is good for you to be honest about your feelings. However, you also suspect that what you feel is different from what she feels, and this is usually true, and almost certainly true in her case, she will be feeling differently. Give her some indication either by telling her, or through the way you DON'T force the issue, that it is good for her to be honest about the way she is feeling even if it is different from how you feel, and that you will respect that and conduct yourself in a way that she is comfortable with.
When you say you are ready and she perhaps laughs it off as she has done and which says that she isn't quite ready, how you react to her is what is significant. If you react by listening to her, going with the relationship at a pace that suits her, not putting her under pressure, and letting her build her sense of trust, she will be taking all of that into account. If you are ready to be intimate with her and you don't think that she is quite ready, it is probably a good idea to let her know that it is ok with you to take things at her pace.
She has had an abnormal experience of relationships from her past. You have an opportunity to be normal with her, and to show her what normal is. Just be normal by being yourself and let her get used to it, I am sure it will make a nice change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): You are what you are. Don't pretend to her, just be yourself and let her decide if you are someone she wants to trust and be with.
Talk to her. Ask her what is appropriate. Only she will know what SHE finds appropriate, we don't know.
Sexual abuse is a tough subject and can leave horrendous emotional scars that run deep. She might tell you everything or she might tell you nothing. It is up to her and you shouldn't press for information.
Most survivors will tell you by increments, so the longer they know you and come to trust you. The more likely they are to talk about things. It is a mistake to think things couldn't have been 'that bad' because they seem OK and don't talk about things much. That can just mean they are being guarded and haven't decided how much they trust you. Anything she does tell you, should remain totally private. Everything is a trust issue for someone who has been abused, so if you do decide to go forward with her, never let her down, always be honest even if she isn't. Sometimes they have to relearn how to be honest and trust again if they have spent time hiding secrets and having to lie. Its a difficult subject and can take a lot of commitment from a partner! So i would suggest you do some research if you are serious about her.
If i were you for now, i would continue talking daily and dating but try to avoid getting too hot and heavy with all the kissing ect. Lots of girls think they have to 'put out' to secure a mans attention. So if you can, be a gentleman and put the sex drive to one side for a while. Let her see you are interested in HER, not just sex. Spend more time getting to know her properly and you will find you learn what is appropriate as things progress. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Tiredofcowards  +, writes (11 July 2011):
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse so I feel like I might be able to help. Because this is a somewhat new relationship, the first thing you should do is question how strong your feelings are for this person and what your wants and needs are. Then evaluate what you are willing to put into the relationship at this point. If she is going through a recovery program, what she'll need most from you is support and patience. Don't push her to do ANYTHING she is not comfortable with but also don't let things get so hot and heavy untill you both know for a fact that you're both ready. It would probably help if the two of you could have a serious conversation and set comfort limits and ask her how you can help. Hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): Hi, I was sexually abused as a child and I realise how difficult it is to date someone when they are recovering from it. As I have been in the position of recovering from it, my advice is to let her lead you. She will be feeling many different emotions, that does not mean that her feelings aren't the same as yours, she may just take longer to get to the same places that women normally would. I found for myself that although I wanted to do things sexually, but found that at times fear would stop me. It is extremely difficult to be with someone who has been abused, but there is no harm in asking her as long as you respect if she says no and don't try to push her to do anything (which I get the feeling you wouldn't do). Even if she does say no, it doesn't mean it's always going to be no, just means no at that moment. I hope that this helps in some way, and best of luck.
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