A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi..I have this really nice warm loving soul as my bf. We have been together for over an year now and the later six months (till date) has been a long distance.The issue is we made a mistake of discussing his past in detail.Well he trusted me back then and we started as friends so ... Over a month I have been horribly bothered about his past.The thought that he loved someone else with same intensity maddens me. Recently he talked about me to his folks but instead of feeling elated I am submerged in deep sorrow that he has done this before. He was too serious with the last gf as well,took her to meet his parents and was fighting his parents to let him marry her.Well I know I am being insecure..one of the reason could be he said in the initial years of there relationship he couldn't even imagine he will fight with her and they ended up tragically.I am fearful this might be with me too.He is my first serious relationship and I am his second.I am not bothered he will go back to her..but what if I end up like her.(she was the one who loved more and didn't want to break up).I am usually a happy go lucky girl but had been constantly sad these days.I know he is amazing guy but can't decide if I should better call it off or try getting over it and enjoy the bliss I am in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): I was in a similar boat too.I'm in an age gap relationship but when it started out I wanted nothing more than a fling/friendship so that's how I took it and me and my significant other would talk about sexual experiences and acts exes etc and I was fine with it.When feelings got more involved I started to feel insecure too and very jealous but eventually I did give up on obsessing over his past,cause that's what it is a PAST.You are in his present and shouldn't automatically assume that you life with him is going to be a repeat of his previous relations.No relationship is the same, you are different people.I'm sure he, being in love before and realizing whatever it was he was unhappy with or whatnot,wouldn't let himself in the same situation.Live in the moment,you don't want to regret losing someone you love.talk to him about it if there's something needed to know or be said to ease your mind Good luck!! Peace & Love
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): It's not easy, but you have to stop thinking about his past. I can't prove this, but I think our brains react emotionally to thoughts about past events in the same way our brains do to present events. Once your brain reacts, the emotions you feel make the experience seem more real.I do think there can be some value in thinking about someone's past actions and evaluating whether or not the person's past actions suggest the person is dishonest, has different values than you, etc. But, my impression is that you are not bothered by his past because it raises issues about what type of a person he is, but rather that it triggers your feelings of insecurity.My suggestion is to try to figure out if he's someone you really want to be with. If he is, try to focus on making the relationship work. In other words, focus on what you can control -the present, and don't waste time on something that you can't change -the past.If you are not sure he's the right one, try to avoid gettiing too involved too quickly. Take it day by day and see how things play out. Wait until you are more comfortable in the relationship before you get too heavily invested in it. It's easy to get caught up in the past, but its also easy to get caught up in the future.
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