A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HI Cupid friends and aunts/unclesI don't know what else to do I am so afraid for my son because of his behaviour towards me and his life in general. I have seeked help with councilors, social services, the police just about everyone, and it all just seems like it's a waste of time because no one will help me. I'm sorry if this is long but I need to get this out.When I moved into my property 7 years ago my son started to go down hill. He was mugged 5 times and attacked twice, and although he was nt hurt bad physically I know it;s affected him mentally. He met a girl around 7 months ago and first I liked her, she seemed ok and my son was happy again, then he started taking drugs, mda and skunk ( weed ) and only God knows what else, his drinking, stealing, having unprotected sex ( his just turned 16 ) I feel I made a mistake because when she came to my house in the begining of the relationship they both told me she was scared to go home because her brother hits her and her adopted mothers ex partner touched her inapropiately yet still let him back in her house to decorate for her, and my son knowing I myself was attacked sexually when I was 14 would react the way I did ( I let her stay at my house for 3 months) her adopted mother did not even ask about me, phone me or even check me out ( I could be a killer for all she knew) she just said to her yeah you can stay there. NOW this is where it all changed, they both started disprespecting me and my house and rules, i came into my living room at around 2.30 pm to catch them having full blown sex on the floor.....my youngest son who is 13 could have walked in on that, so I told her she had to leave and no longer stay in my house. since then my son hates me, tells me he has no respect for me, she has told him lies about me too to try and keep him from me and has stuck her claws so deep into my son she is all he thinks about, she dont give him time to think about anyone else, we was swimming with my younger son about a month ago, she knew he was spending some quality time with his brother as he misses him, when we came out the pool my son had over 25 missed calls from her. Anyway it's now turned to violence, my son pushed me so hard last weekend that it bruised me badly knocked me out, and cut my hand open I had to go hospital because it would not stop bleeding. He said I dont want to live here I hate you , I said for him to go. but last night he came back at around 1.05am and kicked my front door down, i had to call the police and his been arrested. Im so emotional right now I just want to take a bunch of tablets and never wake up ( I WONT DO THIS AS I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND FAMILY AND WOULD NEVER PUT THEM THROUGH THAT ) I just feel this way because im so depressed with it all. i want my old son back, but while his 16 and with her controlling everything i dont know what i can do legally to get him the help he obviously needs. The police and social say his 16 and can leave home, but im still responible for him untill his 18 so im stuck .......because they wont re-home him. I asked for him to be medically assessed because his not right in the head, but they wont without the courts to back it. Also im scared what he will do next to me or his siblings or even himself. I love him so much his my son, but this is tearing me apart please has anyone got some advice legal too that may push me in the right direction, before something really bad happens...sorry it was a long read but I wanted you to know the facts..
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depressed, drugs, moved in, unprotected sex, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you keeley345...
I looked it up, and although it's very simular to my sons behaviour I'm not sure he has this disorder. As he was not acting like this untill he met this girl, and he don't act that way with her his obssessed with her. before her he was the tipical teenager trying his luck and pushing boundaries, however I will put this across to my councilor and see what she has to say, as she was seeing my son before but he refused to see after the third visit, so I continued instead and she is really helping me keep focused.
thank you again. x
A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (30 May 2013):
I've done some further research and your son may be suffering from anti social personality disorder. Your sons' behaviour rang bells. Like I said before, google this disorder and do some research. Put this info together and present it to the courts. There's no harm in you consulting a psychiatrist on your own to back it up then with a psychiatrists' confirmation and backing, you can get your son assessed. Rather than simply saying ''he's ill'', you'll also be able to state you think he might have anti social personality disorder. That may make the courts curious and eager to test your findings. At the moment you're clutching at straws with nothing solid to go on.
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reader, Keeley345 +, writes (30 May 2013):
Sounds like your son might have an anti social behaviour disorder. People who behave this way are normally dismissed as being trouble makers, thugs etc But this is an actual problem that may have biological causes as well as mental. I'd push for your son to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. They'll be able to assess him and maybe offer mediation to calm him down. But to make that happen is another issue. Are you able to ask the appropriate authorities to arrange this? I have a hunch your son is ill rather than just a troublemaker. You sound like a fantastic mother and it takes great patience, love and strength to deal with this. My respect to you. Google behavioural disorders e.g anti social, and gather as much info as you can. God bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry but yes she DID destroy our family!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell my son has his court case tommorow, and I must say I feel really terrible about going through with this. But if I don't he will continue to walk all over me. All I have done for this past week is stay up most nights worrying about it all. I can't believe he still puts this girl before his own life and family. But I will not except her to my family ever, she has destroyed us all and my sons future. I just worry now that everything has gone too far for it to ever be good between us again. I fear that when he does finally grow up and see what his doing with his life and want to come home I wont want him to!....the house has been running smoothly, no rows, no stresses, and if he comes back I fear it will only get worse and start all over again. What would you guys do here??
thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI all just an update....I was completely taken aback yesterday, as my son knocked on the front door!. he said he wanted to get the rest of his clothes, we had about a 10 min chat and it was calm, just asking how he was, if his getting enough food and if his washing gets done, ( as he looked a little worse for wear) I said he could take a shower, however in the end he decided not to as he had to be somewhere, so when he left he never even took anything with him. Do you think he just wanted to see me, and the home he left? or just letting me know his ok and that he wont e coming back?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wont be sending any more money to him, he only spends it on calling her. I really appreciate your support on here, it's the only place I can come and feel a little more at ease, so thank you so much for your help and advice. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it's been nearly 2 months now and I have not heard anything from my son, i'm reallt missing him so much it hurts. I sent him a text two weeks ago and I topped his phone up ( offering a olive branch so to speak) but nothing......not even a thank you, so I have been keeping myself busy doing my Garden up, and anything that will take my mind off of him. Everyone was telling me ( Don't worry he will soon be back with his tail between his legs, and realise the grass is not greener on the other side) however he really does not intend to come back home, and its making me so depressed. I have to act like im fine infront of the other two kids but i cry at night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes ANON I understand where your coming from with this but I can not help her only her family can, and they are not interested and to be perfectlt honest I have no interest in helping her I have enough to worry about let alone someone elses disfunctional child.(and with the lies that roll off her tounge I no longer believe a word that comes out of her mouth) Things are never going to change with my son unless he excepts he needs help, so until then I have to just continue to let him know that I DO love him regardless, but untill he does some changes he is no longer welcome in my house or around my other children, as they have been effected deeply by all this. he was finally given a place at a local ymca yet he LIED AGAIN to his father and said he has nowhere to stay , so this caused more arguments with his fiancee` when my ex practically begged his friend if my son could stay the night, so much has gone on that the old saying ( CRY WOLF ) HAS EVEN BEEN WORN OUT! it is like he has hiy a self destruct button and all he hears, sees breathes is his GF. I was GOBSMAKED today when the social worker asked me if it were true that my son said I smoked DRUGS with my son and brought him beers!!!! there is just no end to the lies.. I have completely given my ALL to my son only for him to turn on me like this because of the twisted girl his with AND his mental health is a state.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Sometimes we have to stand back from the situation so that we can see it very clear. You are going to get weak if you stay IN this situation, you would be better in your jugments if you can be emotionally stronger, only achieved by washing your hands of your son (for now).The girl friend obviously has serious dysfunctional problems and needs a great deal of help and support herself,she will take your son down with her, as you know.Is it possible that you could try and get HER some help,it is the natural law the more you hate her, while he loves her, he will GO HER WAY MORE.No matter what you say about her it will fall on deaf ears, he has made his choice(although a bad one)and you have to just accept this. He has no right to live under your roof anymore causing distress, so this is a blessing that he has left, because it could have got very very nasty. The next time he assaults you press charges, he must learn that he can not do this, you can be strong and firm still with a gentle mothers heart.Don't back down let him LEARN what he CREATES HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR, you have to think of the others and yourself now. You all need emotional support and this would be a good starting point, did you ever have a support network for the past sexual abuse? this young girl probably needs help aswell for her sexual abuse...search for professional therapy and see if the whole family can be involved( this may just be a 'safe ground' for healing while still keeping your distance.If he threatens you, comes banging in the door, phone the police straight away ( you can not let him get away with this behaivour)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ....THAT I will do from now . I refuse to let him upset this house anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioniAmHereToHelpYou thats correct I am the sam person. Well the social have now put him into a hostel untill tommorow, but he has not eaten for two days apparently , and has no money. he text his dad. it sickens me to know I cant do anything and he dont want nothing to do with me because of her. I just pray he comes to his senses sooner rather than later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSageoldguy1465 thank you for your prayers tonight I would very much appreciate that.and thank you all for your replys. all I have done today is cry constantly, one minute thinking I did the right thing because he needs to learn. then the next minute I keep thinking what if something happens to him and the last thing I said to him was leave my house! and if he really has a place to stay tonight or is he just saying that so the police could let him go. the thought of me indoors in the warmth and him outside in the cold is really hurting me. I know if I try to text him to see if his ok he wont reply and also he will be laughing about it with his gf (untill he really has nowhere to stay) then he will be back banging my door down to get in . this is so hard, its got to be the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life and I pray so hard that this will all blow over sooner rather than later and I get my old son back.
Again thank you for your replys xx
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 March 2013):
This is terrible. You are living a nightmare and it can’t continue. At 16 he is old enough to take responsibility for his actions, so ask him why he attacked you. You need to ask him to sit down with you for a proper conversation. You should start by telling him how his behaviour makes you feel, how bad things have got, and how you don’t know what more you can do. You can’t shelter him from the consequences of what he’s done. He’s not giving you, or your other children, any consideration. He may want to leave, but there are always compromises to make whoever you live with. Will he start kicking doors in and pushing his girlfriend if they start to rub each other up the wrong way when living together?
Explain to him that he is on a destructive path: he will destroy all his prospects and, if he mixes with the wrong crowd, is as likely to be a victim of violence as he is to be arrested again and again for his acts of violence. That’s before you even start on the consequences of unprotected sex, and the many dangers of drug use.
Challenge him, calmly but firmly, to explain to you why he’s so angry. What is it that drives him to the point of such rage that he would attack you or kick your door in? There is never any justification for this kind of behaviour, so he has to figure out why he’s doing it, and explain what help he may need from those around him to manage that anger.
If you are willing to listen, he has to take ownership and be clear what help he needs. Perhaps a social worker may be able to help you by telling you both what kind of help is out there, and then he can decide what help he needs. If you can’t get a mediator, at least get him to agree to further discussion with some-one who can advise you both on the help that’s out there. It’s likely that he needs both anger management help, and some more productive ways to channel his energy. The reason you’re probably not getting it at the moment, is because you’re trying to get it for some-one who is considered old enough to make decisions for himself. They are probably wanting to see him decide that he needs it.
Ultimately, you may be left with no choice but to evict him if he presents a danger to you and the wellbeing of your other children. But tell him how much you love him, and how desperate you are not to have to resort to this option. There’s no shame in admitting you don’t know what else to do, and expecting him to be grown up enough to help you out. If he wants to start having sex, striking out on his own, and disrespecting those he obviously thinks he can cope without, he’s got to start making grown up decisions.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): Hi I really feel for you I’m only 20yrs old I have a 2 year old boy I am a single mother but I do love my son so much I have changed my life completely since I’ve had him.I know I’m young, but try to listen? Maybe if you sit down with him and remind him how much you love him and try to let him know that this girl is wrong for him and you want him to be happy and loved.This girl is obviously bad for him and it seems like it has caused emotional problems for him maybe they fight a lot.Why he is acting up? Maybe if you have any bring out old pictures of him. I know it might be hard to be so close to him, but I plan on trying my hardest to stay close to my son.I don’t let work get in the way. I don’t let anything get in the way of our relationship. he’s almost three.I home-school him and I want to be as honest as possible with him throughout his life. I want to let him know I love him every day that I would sacrifice anything to keep him safe.Maybe you should try to talk to him let him know that you love him, that you would do anything to protect him.He is your son, just let him know and try and help him understand.Try not to yell or make him feel like you’re being bossy or telling him what to do.Try to be calm even cry if you have to... My old foster parent's son got into meth and started stealing right from her. She had to give up and do what the other writer said, by keeping him out of her life.Her son is doing great now. He is a construction worker and is no longer doing meth and is close to his Mom again.I know I’m young and you might not even consider any of this but that is what I would try if I were you
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reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 Sometimes, a parent (even a Mother!) has to throw up her hands, in dispair, and say, "I've done all I can.... I did my best I could for you... and I CAN'T do anything more. Therefore, please leave me....leave my home.... leave my sight and leave my life.... and let me find my OWN life, after you..."
Your submittal is heartwrenching... but outlines a son (and the young woman he's taken up with) who care not a whit about YOU... as well as (apparently) not a whit about THEMSELVES!!!! You have to let them "learn the hard way"... and not agonize about them....
With lots of luck.... they will, somehow, get through this horrible stage of behaviour that they are exhibiting.... and, perhaps, sometime in the future, you and he can ressurect a Mother/Son relationship.... Until then, accept the blessings of those of us, on here, who wish we could offer you "do-able" advice.... but recognize that there's too much "on your plate" to be reconciled in a brief discussion on this site....
I will say prayers for you (and your Son) tonight...
Good luck...
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