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female
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anonymous
writes: How do you fix a poisoned relationship? My bf and I have been together for a year. I love this guy with all my heart - more than I ever knew was possible, and he loves me, too. We're both in our mid-20s, so we're old enough to know when we've found something special. I've really been convinced that this is yet; neither of us has ever met anyone we have more fun with.The problem is that early in our relationship, i did some things that really hurt my bf, and he hurt me, too. It's not the typical stuff - no cheating, no hitting, no meanness. Just so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I'm not always very good at saying things, and there've been a lot of times that my bf's understood things i said in a way i never meant, but his understanding really hurt him. If I'd known in the beginning what I know about him now - the things he's sensitive about, etc. - I would have done so many things differently.To further complicate the situation, both of us have been under an extreme amount of stress for the last 5 months. As a result of all of this stuff, we fell into this unhealthy pattern where we'd hang out and have fun for a few days, but then fight over all the old, pent-up hurt and be distant for a few days. Then repeat.The stress level for me has fallen in the last few weeks b/c of some changes at my grad school. My bf will still be under a lot of stress for the next year or so, but less than he's had for the last 5 months.My bf thinks we'll never be able to get past the hurt; he says we're in an unhealthy relationship, and the only way to fix it is to end it. And I agree that things have gotten into a really unhealthy pattern, but I want to believe there might be another way. We broke up a week and a half ago, and neither of us has ever been more miserable. After a week, he told me how much he missed me and asked if I'd be willing to give things another try, or would i be too mad at him? I've never been mad at him - just hurt. So I said yes. But the very next day, something awful happened, and he got so mad at me, mostly for things that happened months ago, and I think, partly, because he was upset and hurting about other stuff and needed a target for it. We fought about it; it felt awful. It wasn't an ugly fight - no name calling, no screaming, etc. Just hurtful b/c we hate fighting with each other.My bf thinks that just proves that things will never be good with us; that even though he loves me and feels sure he'll never find anyone he could love as much as he could love me (and I feel the same about him - I might find someone as good, but not better), we'll just never be able to get along as a couple.I want to make him happy; I want to be the greatest thing that ever happened to him. He says, in a lot of ways, I already am; it's just that, because he loves me so much, it's that much harder on him when he's mad at me, and he can't let go of the being mad at me, even though I've apologized for things I said that made him feel bad and have sworn to him that I didn't mean them the way he heard them.Is there anything that can be done? I'm 26, and in all my life, I've never felt such a horrible, empty kind of pain as I feel when I think of my life without this guy. People have died and I didn't feel so awful. I don't love all that easily, and I fell so hard for this guy. It just seems so unfair that two people could love each other so much and not be able to work things out.
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female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (23 January 2006):
 If you guys really want to make it work then you should definitely seek out some couples counseling. They can help you to get over the old hurt and communicate in ways that will eliminate or reduce the amount of future hurt you will cause each other. It is so easy to fall into these destructive patterns and so difficult to get out of them on your own, it really helps to have an outside opinion. Good luck.
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