A
female
age
51-59,
*birdie77
writes:my daughters best friend is 15 and she recently lost her virginity. after missing her period, my daughter asked me to buy a pregnacie test so I did. Well thank god she wasnt pregnant!! I did not tell her mom I gave her the mom lecture about what I believed to be wrong. ok sorry get way off here....anyways after she promised she wouldnt have sex again, I just found out she had sex with two diffrent guys in one week. Should I tell her mom? please I am taking any advice i can get. Thankyou
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 The best solution here is maybe to try and get the girl to confide in her mum herself. She needs to inform her mum she is sleeping with boys and needs to get on the pill and get in a ready supply of condoms to prevent std's. Its no good expecting her to stop this behaviour, she has crossed the line and will continue with this now.
Put yourself in her mum's shoes. How would you feel if she told you that YOUR daughter was sleeping around, you would be ashamed, embarrassed and maybe a little peeved that your daughter couldnt confide in you. You would also be annoyed if she ended up pregnant and nobody told you what was going on. This is such a tricky one. You could try bluffing the girl, tell her that her mum needs to know and if she cant tell her then you will have to as you care about her and are worried.
Its great that your daughter can confide in you, mine is the same and some of the things she has told me about her friends have shocked me. However its none of my business as Im not involved and have no concrete evidence other than rumours. You on the other hand became involved when you bought the test for the girl, so it has become your business.
I was in a similar situation when I worked in a pub over a friends husband having an affair with my work colleague. I agonised for months but when they involved me and lied to the wife (my friend) and expected me to back them up about where he had been I said enough is enough and told the wife everything. She hated me at first for not telling sooner but realised the situation I was in. His friends hated me, my work colleague hated me, it was a bad time in my life but I wouldnt change a thing, she deserved to know and they were the ones that involved me. I honestly think this is one of those situations where you wont know if its the right thing to do until you have done it but it will pass and things will get back to normal if you do something. Its up to you Im afraid x
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 September 2008):
 Oh, by the way. I don't think any of us should believe a teen-ager if s/he says s/he won't have sex again. Sex is too powerful a force.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (4 September 2008):
People who know me in this site also know I'm usually direct, perhaps blunt when speaking. So, I will spill the beans, but please, poster, believe me I mean no harm: Whether that girl has sex or not is none of your business. I know that you want to help her, but I think you're overstepping here.
I can accept the idea that she shouldn't be sleeping around, but I don't think any of us, non-relatives, has any right to say anything about that. I don't want anyone telling me whether I can or I can't sleep with someone.
I think you went wrong when you bought her that pregnancy test kit. She had slept with someone, so she'd better face the consequences. She's old enough to sleep with someone, but then she can't handle what comes next. Helping her out of that mess was the perfect way to encourage her NOT to take responsibility for her own sexuality. You got her off the hook, and now she feels she got away with it.
I am afraid that her mother might know that her daughter is sleeping around, and maybe she wouldn't be pleased to know that the thing has become public domain. Maybe the mother wouldn't appreciate your telling her.
I think you're better off if you just don't take part in any of this. Also, I think that is the right thing to do; it's not just a matter of convenience. Let her have sex, and let her face the consequences if there are any.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (4 September 2008):
Let me make sure I have the facts straight here, between your daughter and your daughter's friend - it's your daughter's friend who had sex, and your daughter's friend missed a period, and you bought the pregnancy test for your daughter's friend (at your daughter's request), and you gave the "mom lecture" to the friend, and you have heard that the friend is sleeping around. Correct?
Well, first of all, most of us parents belong to the same union so we have a "solidarity and brotherhood" thing among ourselves. (Our kids sometimes see this as an evil conspiracy against the younger generation.) I'm proud of you, not only for how you're treating your daughter's friend, but also for raising a very responsible daughter who would even tell you about this. Good job!
(I hope you have commended your own daughter for acting as she did.)
From here the task gets tougher. Yes, the friend's parents need to be aware of their daughter's behavior. It's not just a matter of "right" and "wrong" in your personal moral system, and it's not simply a case of a kid acting a little immature or sowing a few wild oats. There are specific health concerns for the friend herself, and the children she may be conceiving, and a more general public health risk associated with irresponsible sexual behavior. It may also indicate a young woman with significant emotional or intellectual problems.
You need to get this information to the friend's parents in such a way that you do NOT come across as a gossip, nor a tattle-tale, nor accusing them of being "bad parents". I suppose there's a case for a very factual, unemotional, non-accusatory, anonymous letter but that wouldn't be my preferred approach. I would investigate the possibility of passing the information through a trusted intermediary - perhaps a school counselor, the friend's family physician, or a clergyman of the friend's faith. (Although churches themselves are often hotbeds of gossip, the professional clergy can be some of the most tight-lipped people you'll ever meet if you impress on them that a matter is confidential. And, the legal system even recognizes the confidentiality of information entrusted to clergy.)
When the friend finds out that her parent's are aware of her behavior you don't the information traced back to you. You may, in fact, have a better communication channel with the friend than she has with her own parents. Try to preserve that channel! If your daughter's friend isn't being parented by her own mother and father you are acting responsibly to pick up some of the slack. You might be able to do some of this through your own daughter. Don't turn her into some kind of pawn between you and her friend, and don't try to get her to manipulate the friend. But you can have some conversations with your daughter regarding her friend's behavior, in the hope that the information will get passed on.
Good luck! I admire you for what you've already done - the nearest experience I recall was helping my son deal with High School buddies who wanted him to buy cigarettes for them. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): As a mother myself I would bring up the situation with the other girls mother by saying that you have concerns about the girls and that with what you already know that she should have an indepth sit down conversation with her daughter about her recent activities. If she asks for details tell her that you think that is information she should get that info from her. Tell her that you do not want to cause any problems with the daughters relationship or put a wall betwwen the comunication between you two as the parents.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 September 2008):
I'd threaten her one last time. Tell her that you know she is having sex after she promised that she wouldn't and that if you hear one more RUMOUR about it from anywhere, true or not, then you are going to her mother.
If you do find out anything more then go to her mum, she'll have messed up and brought it on herself.
As for how to tell the mum, lie a bit. Tell her you've been hearing things / read your daughters diary / something and that you know her daughter is having sex.
I doubt this girl is stupid enough to say "well she knew ages ago, she bought a pregnancy test for me." because then her mum will go insane at her for needing one.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, :):):) +, writes (4 September 2008):
I understand you wanting to tell her mum but I don't think much good would come from it, as like most teenage girls, she will find a way around it and do as she pleases. No one can be made to watch her all day every day.
If you're really concerned, maybe it would be better to talk to her directly.
Hopefully this is just a phase and she'll soon learn that sleeping around wont earn her any respect. Everyone makes mistakes when they are young.
xxx
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