A
female
age
30-35,
*ilish
writes:Hey there, I'd really appreciate as much help as possible.I was with this guy for 6 months and everything was great at first. He was sweet, kind. But then he started getting really clingy, so I told him to back off a bit as I preffered casual relationships. He did for a while and things went back to being good. However, he started getting all clingy again. I told him he obviously didn't trust me or else he wouldn't be acting in this way, but he said he did trust me.Anyway, I felt like I was being smothered. He'd fall out with me for stupid reasons and it would really get me down. If I was going out with the girls one night he would drive down even when I didn't ask him to, and come out with us. Which I hated. If I went out without him he'd ring me constantly. I always told him that yea, I did hang out with male friends, but they were FRIENDS and he was so much better than them. But nope, didn't change a thing.Anyway, I told him that I wasn't really happy with how he was acting with me. I said I felt smothered and I felt that he was breathing down my neck all the time. Also, it wasn't just him. I wanted space because of my family problems and I desperatley had to catch up with school to get into the university I dream of going to. Anyway, I told him it was over. He then refused to be finished, but told me he would go on a break. I said a million times no - its over. But he wouldn't accept it. So eventually, I had to cave in to being on a break. However, I told him he could do and talk to which ever lass he wanted to. He then shouted at me for taking my relationship status off facebook, saying that I shouldn't have done it. He always texts me and rings me too, as if we are still going out. I don't know how many times to tell him, but he's just not getting the hint. He text me this morning saying 'shall I bring a film round tonight?' when I didn't even mention anything about seeing him!! What's wrong with him and why won't he accept that I don't want to be with him. I don't know what I want in life and I want my own personal space to decide that, but I can't when he's breathing down my neck!He's also rushing me, saying 'how longs this break gonna last?' why is he being like this? I do love him, but I can't stand him being SO clingy. He once reffered to me as 'his property' too, which offended me actually, as I am my OWN person! Help me PLEASE. I'm desperate for answers :/
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (11 March 2011):
 I know it sounds a tad blunt of me to say this, but I think this is what it narrows down to - If you don't want to be with him, then don't be with him.
I can completely understand why you would feel this way. I feel suffocated just READING about the situation you're in. This guy is incredibly controlling, it's ridiculous as anyone here will tell you. His behaviour isn't at all acceptable and hard as it is, you need to get away from him.
He was controlling during the relationship, now YOU need to assume control of the break up. You've explained your reasons for breaking up before, but tell him again none the less and then it's up to you to cut the contact. I know that may sound like a horrible thing to do, but in this situation I think you have to be cruel to be kind and it's the only way he will understand that you're serious. The crucial thing you must do once contact is cut is PERSEVERE! Make sure that when you cut contact, it stays cut. He'll get the picture eventually. I know that it isn't easy, but just remember - you shouldn't have to put up with somebody as clingy and as controlling as this guy. There are plenty of guys out there who will treat you with much more respect, so why tie yourself to someone who won't even let you enjoy a night out with friends?
Keep us posted!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 You are confusing clingy with controlling. It's not clingy to supervise you, to be suspicious, to follow you around. That's wanting to check up on you, making sure you don't do anything the don't approve of. It's controlling. That's why it's not going to work to tell him to back off, because this isn't something he does out of love and care for you. If a guy is clingy it's because he wants to spend eons of time with you, adores you, kisses the ground you walk on. When a guy is controlling it's not about his care for you, or admiration. Quite the contrary it's all about HIM. His insecurities, his needs to know everything that is happening, his lack of ability to trust and let go. He is satisfying his needs, even if they intrude your privacy.
And as long as he is who he is, a controlling guy will stay controlling, because this runs deep. A simple "back off" won't do.
He does consider you his property. This a bright red flag. You should not be with this person, and you yourself have tried to break it off. A controlling person that he is, he wont accept this because he doesn't allow anything unless HE wants it. He completely lacks respect for you. That is why your opinion is not valued.
The way to deal with him is to stop contact. Block him from facebook. Block him from e-mails. He has been verbally abusive, like when you took your status off facebook. Again this is because he wants to control things, and doesn't approve of you walking your own way and thinking on your own. He wants to decide what you do. There is no logic with him, or ways to reason. Don't take what he says personally when he attacks you, it is his "ruling technique". It is done to make you his submissive, and is most likely completely made up. So the best thing to do is ignore it, ignore his outbursts and simply block him. Change your phone number, or at least never reply to a message. If he comes by your place don't open the door.
Don't speak to him. Remember that YOU didn't drive it this far. He did. If he had respected your decision to break up you could have been friends and still stayed in touch. He didn't respect it. Not only that he verbally abused you as well over the facebook status. Not exactly the actions of someone who tries to win you back.
If he suddenly flips around and acts nice, wants to be friends, accepts a breakup... DON'T BUY IT. Its all a load of bull. Don't speak to this guy again. At all.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 March 2011):
 Focus on your studies and get into University. It will get you away from the place where this boy lives and all the baggage surrounding it. He won't accept your decision because he doesn't respect you and does indeed regard you as 'his property'. This is a very dangerous pattern of thought associated with controlling, jealous behaviour. It is possible for this to escalate into a stalking situation unless you get control over the situation. If you reply to any of his messages - online, phone or in person - you are feeding him false hope in his mind even if you are rejecting him in those messages. He thinks that is a sign you want him, even though you don't. To deal with this effectively you need to ignore him completely - don't answer at all. He may get angry and aggressive as a result but don't let that allow him to bully you into answering his calls. If he comes to your home then get a family relative to turn him away. Block him from facebook or any other sites you are using. If he approaches you in the street, say that you don't want him to contact you and walk away. If he follows you, tell him you will contact the police as it is harassment and that is an offence. You have an absolute right to live your life without inference from him. By consistently ignoring him, you send a clear message that you mean business. If he threatens you then tell your parents or a trusted adult and call the police. You don't love him because you have to love yourself a bit more than to settle for such a dating arrangement. You are entitled to a life. You are entitled to study and go to University. You are entitled to find a nice, balance boyfriend later in life. You just have to regain control of this situation before it gets out of hand.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): You call his behaviour clingy but in actuality it is controlling and manipulative and that is why it feels so bad. He wants to own you, not love you, and is aggressively attempting to trap you into a bad relationship. Tell him it's over and then quit responding to any and all communication from him.
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