A
male
age
51-59,
*annio111
writes:My wife and I have had a very close relationship - and we have both been known to get a little freaky regarding sex. We both use porn (me more than her), but she has never had any issues w/it at all. I recently created a "locked" folder on my phone that has lots of pics that I would not want just anyone to see. There are some porn pics that I like- and there are some that I planned on showing my wife bc I think SHE might get off looking at them (We have looked at pron together before..and I even saved porn pics including GUYS that I think she would think are hot...and there is nothin gay or bi about me...I just like adding that spice to our sex life)So for some reason my wife decided to "hack" into that folder. (she must have tried dozens of possible passwords) She got in. Here was the trouble - I had a pic of a co-worker in the folder...it was a bad, blurry pic of her sitting at her desk. (oof)My wife freaked upon seeing it...thinking I am "spanking" to it. Here's the thing - she IS attractive and I did move the picture there among porn.I guess I even thought that maybe I;d use it one day to get me stimulated. I don't really even know why for sure. Honest truth 0 I can find other women attractive but would NEVER cheat or even FLIRT with another woman. I put the pic there thinking she was cute...I admitted that to my wife (maybe a mistake) but told her the truth that I never actually fantasized about her EVER...and never flirted w/ her and NEVER WOULD.Granted, It hurt her and I'm sorry that it did. But in her typical over-react fashion - She's telling me she is leaving. Hocking my ring, taking my kids and leaving. This is the same woman who was telling me how awesome of a father and husband I was a day earlier and how in love with me she still was!READERS- I have no reason to lie to you. Everything I said is 100% true. I have no desires for another woman...nor have i EVER done anything even remotely close to cheating on her. I am so sick. I already told her the truth- and she won't say anything other than she is done with me. Will a woman who loves her husband really leave over something like this? What do I do?!!
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co-worker, flirt, no desire, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Peter S  +, writes (13 February 2013):
Hi dannio111. All you have to do it to convince your wife that you are telling the true. If this is the only problem, you can say to her that you will test yourself in a Polygraph. It may sounds ridiculous, but I think it could work...;-)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2013):
 Are you planning to do something stupid like hide a photo again? If you are really in an open and sharing relationship this would have been a non-issue. What it sounds like is a power struggle, as SVC pointed out. Who's in the right, that appears to be more important than the feelings of betrayal you caused by hiding a photo.
Based on your follow ups, it sounds as though the two of you take turns emotionally blackmailing each other. Not such a open and trusting relationship, as you seem to think it is.
I still say professional counselor, but I can predict that you would hate to be told you have any fault at all by an outsider, so I suspect you'll carry on emotionally blackmailing one another until someone really freaks out and leaves. Check back in a year and let us know how it's going.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 It sounds like you have major power struggles going on with your wife:
"If she pulls this again it's going to be me who does the booting"
So if she gets upset and over reacts to something again you are going to kick her to the curb kids or no kids?
is that what you are saying? why not just end it now if you are not going to "tolerate" (your word) her reactions.
Yes maybe she over reacted in your eyes... and clearly you "pulling back" (could you elaborate on what you mean by this since I don't want to make assumptions based on how I define pulling back) scared her into doing what you wanted her to do....
but if you are so quick to threaten leaving if she over reacts why bother to stay?
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (12 February 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain. - it never ceases to amazed that Many of the women posting here offer advice with an attitude of "there is more to it for her" ...not that' It is possible...but it's as if you KNOW it is true. Guess what...u were
Wrong. Think it through next time. I pulled back and she came to me admitting she overreacted. Of all the replies here I tend to agree w Serpico.
I am going to try hard not to hurt her again but if she pulls this again over something as petty as a pic...then there is no way we will survive the real hardships that marriage can bring . We are doing well for now...but I'm not going to be threatened anymore...not w kids at stake. If she pulls this again it's going to be me who does the booting
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 February 2013):
I do think its a bit funny that many of the women here who think its abhorrent that you have a locked file with only photos in it in the same breath think a "woman past is her own business."
As long as you werent cheating with this women, you committed no infidelity. Not that I think you should have had it around, but the limits on your relationship that you describe seem to allow it.
What also isnt addressed is why she was trying so hard to break into this file without your knowledge or permission, so despite your "open" relationship it seems you have trust issues.
Last, any woman who would threaten to leave and take your children over simply a photo needs to be booted out the door.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013): She has every right to leave. There was no point for you to have that picture in your phone AT ALL. Porn is different than a co worker. You'll never get a porn star. It's not likely you'll ever see these porn people in real life. You see your co-worker all the time. If you aren't attracted ask your yourself ,why take her picture? Your explanation makes no sense. You clearly have some underlying feelings.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 February 2013):
There's more to this for her. She's unhappy and it's not because of one picture in a phone.
If you truly want to find a solution to this, go to a counselor who may be able to help you find the reason.
I think you are not able at this time to accept the real reason she is leaving. Good luck with salvaging the marriage.
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (6 February 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ilha.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Okay, OP, thanks for your followups. Everything regarding your situation makes more sense now. If you had permission to take the photo, then you did nothing wrong. Your wife is majorly overreacting in my opinion. She shouldn't let her insecurities from a past relationship ruin her current GOOD relationship with you.
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female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (6 February 2013):
Dear OP,I know the comments here hurt you. Most people think that by being mean, they get the message across. I have time and again posted comments that agony uncles and aunts should never be judgemental of anyone's problems because we are not living the lives of the OPs and we do not know the whole situation. We only read what is here. It is best to give one opinions and advice on what has been written instead of inferring and assuming a lot of things. Besides, most of these agony aunts and uncles are providing comments based on their experiences, therefore, they are not trained counsellors. Most of them have gone through bad relationship where they have been cheated or lied to, hence, the negative comments based on that experience they have. Many people forget that each experience is unique to that individual. Maybe only 50% of that experience maybe similar.Therefore, OP, I know it is hurtful of all the negative comments hurled at you. Best if you just take the best from each of them and make a decision that is best for yourself. Never forget that it is your life and what matters most is your family. People can say and judge you all they want. In the end, it is still between you, your wife, kids and God. Best of luck!!!
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (6 February 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes... I had permission to take the pic. I took pics of everyone in the office doing their jobs for a slide show project at work.
I accidentally moved ALL of them to my private file...then decided to leave that one. It was a little "oh she is kinda cute...she can stay" moment.
And deleted the rest form that folder . That is all their is to it!
And I have shared that folder w my wife many times. We look at porn together! I honestly forgot about it... And she hacked in and freaked. U r right I think she is convinced I am fantasizing about her...and I am not!
I am not a creep that goes around sneaking spank pics. Sad thing is I honestly don't have any desire for women other than my wife. :(
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (6 February 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow you are guys have been incredibly judgemental and assumitive. The folder is password protected because I am protective that kids etc do NOT see. Not to keep my wife from seeing them! And I didn't ask you to judge whether or not looking at porn is bad. My wife looks at porn too! and likes it!Also - I told the truth here...I have nothing to gain by lying on an anonomous sessage board so the "there is more to it" messages are completely unwarranted. All I know is I love my wife and family and I don't want to hurt them...If it were me...there is no way in hell that a picture would cause me to leave her. I value my marrage WAYYYYYY more than that. In a world where 40% of marragies involve actual infedelity - it's great to know that everyone is ready to just toss an amazing marrage to the curb because something that means nothing. I give up.Keep your self-righous comments to yourself and good luck to all of you finding someone who never makes a mistake. Happy Valentines day
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female
reader, Ilha +, writes (6 February 2013):
Dear OP,
I know this must be hard on you as well as on your wife. When your wife found that picture, she must be in shocked. There must be a lot of confusion on her part. Therefore, it is not surprising that she made such decision on the spot. Let her cool down. Then try talking to her and assuring her. If that does not work, please seek counselling, as it will help you and her tremendously in understanding the issue at hand. From your post, I really sense that you love your wife very much. Do not give up and be patient. She will come around.
Good luck!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Your wife is clearly upset, because you had a photo in your eye candy folder of someone you know and see everyday at work. Therefore, she is going to assume that even if you haven't yet, you're planning to masturbate over this woman, and possibly make a habit of fantasizing about her. Otherwise, why is her photo in your same folder of photos you masturbate to? It doesn't make sense to have it in there if you're not using it (or planning to use it) to get off. It will only make things worse if you continue to lie to her and say you weren't either using it (or thinking of using it) for that. I guess you could say I'm one of the few women who wouldn't make a big deal of this. The first reason I wouldn't is because it's unrealistic to go through life and NEVER fantasize about anyone else you know besides your partner. The second reason is because getting upset is pointless, anyway. It won't change anything. In your case, no matter how upset your wife gets, it's not going to make you suddenly find your coworker less attractive. In my case, I know I'm not the only attractive woman on the planet, and my husband is going to notice others. I'll admit it's not the best feeling in the world, but I've made peace with it. That said, if you took the photo of your coworker while she wasn't looking for the sole purpose of putting in your folder to masturbate to later, then that's just creepy. Saving photos you found online is one thing, because those people put their photos out there to be viewed. You never specified if you had her permission to take the photo, or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): That is bad, I dumped my ex boyfriend for looking at porn of people he isn't going to meet, even he would say that's bad! Looking at people you know is utterly disrespectful. Looking at regular porn is bad enough.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2013):
you had a locked folder on your phone that your wife could not access... not cool or a good idea especially if there are prior trust issues in the relationship.
YOU are at fault for having a locked folder that she did not have the password too.. why were you hiding things from her?
if you don't jerk off to the co-workers picture, if it's blurry... why do you have it... and worse why is it in a locked folder that you did not share with your wife?
you think your wife leaving you is because she has no self-esteem... just the opposite.. she's leaving you because you emotionally are cheating and you LIED to her...
and she does have self esteem.
YOU say " I'm not ok with tolerating her moving to end the relationship over this. It's stupid."
YOU are not OK with TOLERATING her behavior. Really? are you always so parental with her???
you did CHEAT btw.... at least under my definition of cheating...ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your partner is cheating them.
this includes pictures of co-workers hidden away in a locked folder on your phone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Yep, this went too far and I really believe there is a bit more to this than you are saying, or maybe more than you are willing to admit, or that you even realize.For starters, I think you both need to go to marriage counseling, and immediately, if you want to save this.When you take a picture of people you know and interact with in real life and put them in the same category as scum porn stars, you have crossed the line from fantasy to reality. I'm not against porn, but damn, it always manages to reer it's ugly head and ruin so many relationships, and for what? Because you can't carry on with your day and do other things in your life? You say you are a good husband and father.... then how is it you have so much time for all this crap??? And why on earth would you have that kind of stuff around with children? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I would eliminate anything to do with porn and pictures and focus on what you have right in front of your face and are about to lose. You are not spicing anything up in your relationship, you are only destroying it. Just because you have not actually physically cheated, does not make what you are doing right. Maybe your wife has just had enough of how big your photo gallery of other women has grown.
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female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 It's probably also due to the fact that the folder it was in was password protected, so you obviously didn't want her to see it, making her more suspicious than she is, rather than if it was just found amongst random files.
If i was her, i would probably leave too, especially because you see this woman everyday. I wouldn't be able to trust you everytime you went out for work as she would be there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Why did your wife feel the need to hack into your computer? If it was all above board with her the porn, why password protect?
This creates an elment of doubt in your relationship.
Stop beggining and grovelling as that gives her power. Tell her you have told her the truth and you want your marriage but if she cannot trust you as yourll have had an open relationship , then you respect her decision.
Its a gamble but it will scare her that you agreed.
ALso sort your real issues!
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (5 February 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's nothing else...other than I know she was cheated on by a past serious BF and I think she's convinced I will end up doing the same.I WON'T ...but I'm not ok with tolerating her moving to end the relationship over this. It's stupid . I feel horrible but if the shoes were reversed I'd blow it off bc I have some self esteem.I don't think she will go thought with it but no o hold my own that this is not a big deal. I am a very very good husband and father and u don't throw that away over some thing like this. Everyone makes mistakes...I didn't cheat...This is just crazy :(
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 February 2013):
She's not 'done with you' because of one picture in your phone. There's more to this than you're admitting to yourself. You may think you are giving 100% of the story to us but you are blocking/hiding/forgetting/can't deal with the lead in to the whole thing.
What do you do?
You go find a marriage counselor, set up an appointment that your wife can attend and you go, with or without her.
Maybe you gave her the 'out' she was looking for all along. Any reason why she might be unhappy and seeking the end of the marriage?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 February 2013):
I agree, its probably an over reaction, but what does my opinion matter, and in the face of her wanting to leave you, what does your opinion matter? The opinion you need to be listening to right now is hers. You need to find out how she feels and what she needs you to do in order for her to feel better about you. Then you need to consider if you agree with her request, discuss it, find an acceptable point of agreement, and do that. Its also important that she hears your opinion on the matter too, and knows where you are coming from, but there is wisdom in doing that at a time when she feels safe to discuss all of this with you.
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (5 February 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies...I think it is important to emphasize at I did NOT masturbate while looking at the pic and I am not attracted to her!The point I made is I find her attractive,,, but I am not attracted to her...because I am in love with my wife!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): I don't think she is over reacting. I would have left as well.
Can you even begin to imagine how hurt she is feeling right now? This is a woman you work with! Someone you see everyday.
"Will a woman who loves her husband really leave over something like this?"
Yes, because she will feel that she can never trust you again.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 If I found a picture of my boyfriend's female coworker in some kind of spank bank, I would freak out too. Not sure why you think it's not a big deal, because it kind of is. Maybe it's a BIT of an overreaction to immediately jump to divorce, but yeah that's pretty awful to be masturbating to a picture of a coworker.
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