A
male
age
41-50,
*exasheart
writes:Got together with my girlfriend about 3 years ago. I was happy and confident then, funny, charming and social, enjoyed going out and having drinks here and there. She fell in love with me. I also fell in love with her. She was similar - also happy and confident, funny, social, would be hilarious after a few drinks, we were like two peas in a pod. I appreciated all these things about her, as she did about me.Gradually I grew depressed. I had a history of mild depression, but it got worse and worse over a couple years. I became more withdrawn, less confident, less wanting to be socially active. Still, she loved me very much. Some things I appreciated about her - like her outgoing social nature - I began to criticize. Or I would be apathetic about some of her silly ways that I previously LOVED.Eventually she resented me for being critical and negative, and began to question whether we were right for each other, even though we still loved one another. The problem was my depression, but neither of us really figured that out.She moved across the country 2 months ago for a job opportunity, made new friends, and freely behaved as herself again-- with no criticism, except from me. She started keeping things from me, because I'd just be judgmental. She questioned whether we were a good pair, because I had such low energy and ambition compared to her, and I was judgmental about things like going out drinking. It was my depression, but we didn't realize that was the issue.Eventually, she broke up with me, said she thought it was best that she moved on. She said she had become "emotionally run down, very skeptical and hurt and afraid, not sure of reality from fantasy. I want to take time to rebuild myself.." This break up was just last week, though I know she had been thinking about it for at least a month.I am combating the depression with full-force now: going to a therapist twice weekly, eating healthily, exercising, changing irrational thought patterns, and I am on new meds. I am feeling like my depression is lifting. I know I am gradually becoming more happy, confident, social again. And I am again appreciating her for who she is in her entirety, without fear or criticism. I know the problem was my withdrawal, lessening confidence, criticism, etc. and that is now changing.Now what do I do?Like I said, she is working across the country, but I will gladly fly and visit, or move if she decides to give the relationship a try again.Currently she is living the "single life", going out dancing and drinking with other 20-somethings she has met through work and other social networks. I do know from indirect sources she is apparently happily "living it up", partying, doing all that she felt was suppressed when she was with me, including meeting guys. She is not willing to put effort into our relationship now. I think she is emotionally worn down from it and just wants to have fun.However, I know she loves me. Even weeks ago she was so, so sweet, and it was genuine. I know she loves and cares about me, but has perhaps become exhausted and done with trying.For now, I am now leaving her alone... no contact. I am giving her space. I will visit her new city next week, because I'd already bought tickets, and I told her this. But my plan is to just sight-see and not make any contact.I feel she needs to know and understand what happened with us, though.. that I am recovering and again becoming the man she fell so in love with and wanted to marry. I am again becoming the man who appreciates her, all of her, without judgment. We ARE compatible. Her worries and concerns about that are going away.So now... What do I do? Your advice, please. Feel free to ask any questions, or offer whatever you can.Thank you very much...Mod NOTE: OP also posted:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-criticism-has-hurt-girlfriend-over-years-.html
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ambition, broke up, confidence, depressed, fell in love Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 Why wait until you go there? Why not just tell her now. Call her, or sit down and write her a long, heart-felt email message telling her all about the depression and your path to good health. Ask her point blank if she'd be willing to reconsider the relationship. Don't beat around the bush, you need to know before you make that journey because if she's interested, you might very well have the chance to catch up and spend quality time together. If not, then you still have time to exchange your plane tickets for Cancun, or somewhere she is not. There is a good chance, she is still interested, but one word of caution, she may have moved on by now, met someone else and thinks your depression may come back. She has to be willing to spot the reoccurence of this delibating disease and help you when it does. If she's not up to it, you're better off with someone else. I hope it all works out.
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