A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Somebody please help me sort out this mess! I apologise for it being so long but there really is no other way to tell this. It involves a beautiful relationship put under intense strain by being forced into being long-distance for 6 months, and then reuniting to find a used condom under her bed. I met my girlfriend while working abroad about a year and a half ago. I am British and she is Canadian. We had the most amazing beautiful special relationship I have ever experienced. I had my dream job living on a Caribbean island and now had my dream girl to share life with. Before we met, I had been in a bit of a bad way, very lonely, overworked, drinking too much, staying out late, not eating properly and generally not looking after myself. As soon as she came into my life, I didn't need my bad habits anymore; my life changed, I stopped drinking excessively, loved coming home to her, cooking with her, watching movies, talking about life etc. She gave me confidence, I started socialising more and more healthily, we were two peas in a pod. We respected and trusted each other implicitly. We simply adored each other. It was magic. However, after about 8 months she had to return to Canada to finish university. I had actually met her at random while travelling 5 years before and we had met this time again randomly, so me being a guy who believes in fate, thought this must be the one. Because I loved her so much, I let her persuade me to go to Canada with her even though I knew it would mean giving up my dream job. I was so full of trust in her judgement that I believed that if I followed her suggestion then everything would work out peachy. It didn't.When I got to Canada with her, because I didn't have a job and didnt have a work permit for Canada, we were reliant on her part time waitressing job to survive. She was also trying to go to university full time. So she ended up working flat out at work and studying, while I had nothing to do all day every day, with my own savings depleting very rapidly. We had found out that if I enrolled at university in Canada I would be able to stay in the country. All I needed was a course with its own funding supplied. I did find one, but it was not what I had wanted to study and I felt concerned that I was drifting off my career just to be with her. I got very depressed and isolated, having intense feelings of lack of self worth, and her life being so busy and mine so empty. I began to resent her for taking me away from what I had had before, romanticising in my head about how great life had been before. After a couple of months, I found out that I had to go back to the UK to get my Canada work permit. I went back to the UK, and it took me 6 more months to get my canadian work permit and raise some cash to go back. I had no option but to live with my parents, which depressed me intensely as they don’t like this girl and think I am wasting my life by trying to be with her. During the last month, we were both really feeling the strain of the distance and how long I had been away, and during an argument about me losing my career for her on skype we sort of "broke up" although I didnt really take it too seriously. At first I felt relief that it might be over after all the strain, but soon missed her. I left it about a week before talking to her again and we sort of made up again. She was understandably very hurt that I had said some pretty resentful nasty things to her on skype and was taking a much more cool and cautious approach with me, more saying “Well you can come to Canada if you like but I’m not making you any promises things will work out”. So I decided that I was going to maintain an open mind about my study option there and in hope that I could save what had been the most beautiful relationship of my life, booked a flight.3 weeks later, when I finally got to Canada last week, I stayed at her house the first night, and all was well, although she seemed a little cool on me. The next morning, I found a used condom under her bed. I confronted her about it straight away as she was cooking breakfast and she said that I had broken up with her and this was her way of dealing with it. She said it was a guy she had known from high school (she is now 26) and she had been sleeping with him every time she felt lonely since as she didnt really believe I would ever actually return. She says she has no feelings for the guy, it was just a physical need and a way to get over me. I was devastated, and fled to a hostel, got blitzed for 2 days and then went back to try and work it out. I really love her a lot and I have come a long way for this to work. She said she doesn’t regret it because I had broken up with her and broken her heart. We met in a café at first, and she told me that she needed some space from me. I asked her if she was planning to see this guy again, and she said maybe. I reminded her that I had come all this way and gone through all this misery to be with her, and I wasn’t going to just sit around twiddling my thumbs while she slept with this guy a few more times. I told her the only way we could work this out would be together, and asked her to promise to cut this guy out of her life. She said she would, and that she still loved me and was willing to give us a try, but that she needs to feel safe and secure in our relationship before she can let her barriers down again. So I am now left here to deal with the pain of knowing someone else has up until very recently been getting his rocks off with the only girl I have ever truly loved, and really want to be able to trust her that she won’t go running off for meaningless sex every time we have an argument. I know I have to give her freedom and space so she doesn’t feel like I’m trying to control her, but I can’t help but be scared about the commitment I am making to a 3 year course here when my bubble has been burst about us being true to each other no matter how tough things get. Am I just a big idiot for continuing with this, or is there a way for me to regain trust that she will be true to me and for her to regain trust that I won’t sink into depression again? Sorry this was so long.
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at work, condom, confidence, depressed, live with my parents, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 Oh man.. I feel like this could have easily happened to me.
I met this guy online last year who lived in canada and I was going to throw away my entire life and dream of studying music just to be with him, but I am glad I didn't.
I got a job to save up money so I could visit him, and while I was away from the computer working full time, he found himself a girlfriend.
Yeah.. you can never trust what people say to be truth, watch for the things they do. That is the best measurement to see whether they really care or not.
I know that guy didn't. But it's his loss, because I am awesome and can do better than him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Always trust your parents. They know better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): You will probably not be able to re-establish a relationship with her at this time. It a fact of life that woman are attracted to sucessful men who are happy with their career choice. When you were in England that's who you were and she fell in love with that person. When you got to Canada, you had no goals no plan and no job, you were a completely different person in her eyes. It was not your fault but unwise to have made such a bib move without a plan.
I think you need to take the focus off of her and bring it back to yourself. You need to plot a path that is both satisfying and will lead to success and satisfaction. You need to do this to boost you self esteem as a man. If it means going back to England then do it.
It is not your fault but you lost your attraction when you became financially dependent on her and could not make your own way. I think you lost her then. She may not be able to tell you but her actions speak for themselves. I know you will be successful again, you did it once and you will do it again but you need to concentrate on what you need to get there. If you don't you will be stuck doing something you don't like, and she will have moved on. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 Your post appear to me as more sensible. You are very thoughtful, and wise. But you are not getting mature response from this relationship is also sure thing.
Now it is time for you, to think very seriously about love romance and relationship. Perhaps your Parent's judgment is more realistic.
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A
female
reader, c.lili  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 To me it's like you gave up your dream job for a girl?! I'm a little bit cold and objective and so I think a career should come first in our 20's. I think that even if you stay with her in some years you will find yourself naturally in a routine that all couples end up in and it's good etc... but you will look at her at times and think I could have chased my dreams and found a decent girl that could also live her dreams with me. It also sounds like she's not as crazy for you as you are of her.I think the most fantastic thing would for us to be able to live our dreams with someone we love that is also living their dream.
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