A
female
age
41-50,
*leternal_sunshinell
writes:i met a guy over the internet for sex. it was first name basis, it was midnight, and it was fantastic. i only do one night stands once in a blue moon, and they are rarely so good. and afterwards, he really wanted me to stay the night. i know the rules, though, and didn't call him. he called me a day later and asked to meet up again. since then we've met up a lot, and we always think about each other. most of the time it's just a sexual nature. but we've been out together, and cook for each other, and have a really good time. he even suggested taking a road trip together.i kind of freaked out on him a few days ago. i know, the last thing a guy wants in a friends with benefits situation is drama. but i told him that i didn't want to see him anymore because i liked him too much, and i could see myself developing feelings for him and getting hurt. he was shocked that i wanted to end it, and told me that he would be really sad if he never saw me again. he told me that he liked hanging out with me, and that liking him too much was a BS reason to stop seeing him. he said that yes, he wants just sex, but that sex is a good starting point.my question is this: can being friends with benefits just be considered a form of dating? when you date someone and have sex with them, it does take a little while before you guys decide to be boyfriend/girlfriend anyway? what's the difference if you start out with the sex first and get to know each other afterward? am i getting my hopes up and doing deluded dating? or is this real dating? please let me know your advice and experiences. i promise i'll update to say thanks and let you know how it went for people in similar situations.
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female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (11 February 2008):
 I was the last anonymous...I accidently clicked onto the anonymous box...LoL
Congradulations! I am very happy for you! Yay! I'm glad he finally WOKE UP for you!
A
female
reader, lleternal_sunshinell +, writes (9 February 2008):
lleternal_sunshinell is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks, anonymous... haha, i know, that's why i was so confused! it seemed like dating, but the only difference was the way we met, the initial hook up.But yay! We're a couple now! He wore his heart on his sleeve the other night and he said in his mind, he's been thinking that we were dating the entire time. He's a sweetheart and I adore him.So, here's what I think about the friends with benefits business. I've been on and seen the raw end of this deal before... and consoled a friend once because: she had feelings for a guy she was having sex with, and one time afterwards asked him if he had time to have a meal with her during the week. He brushed her off and said he was too busy. As she was leaving his dorm room, she overheard him ask another girl if she had time to have dinner with him. She was soooo crushed. So yes, I know, feelings don't always develop between friends with benefits, and I daresay this is the only situation I've ever been in that it's worked. It's just like everything else, I guess. Both people have to be on the same page.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): I am a little confused.
You meet up alot...always think of each other...You go out together...Cook for each other...suggested Road trip...he said he would be sad it he didn't see you again...he said that Liking him was a BS reason to stop seeing him...he said he liked hanging out with you...
Like I said, I'M CONFUSED. Isn't that DATING???
Have you checked to see if he is married, and perhaps you are a fling on the side? I unknowingly dated a married man once. And, he treated me just like this, and I couldn't figure out why. A friend of mine found out that he was married. I really loved him, but I immediately dumped him.
But another issue I see here, is you really shouldn't hook up with guys you meet on the internet. IT IS DANGEROUS! You were lucky this time that he wasn't a 'serial killer.'
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 February 2008):
 I personally don't buy the whole "friends with benefits" ideology. It's just people using each other but usually it is one person using another who ends up getting hurt. I also think women in particular who engage in this kind of arrangement must have very low regard for themselves. I would knock this off and find someone with whom you can have a whole, real relationship. Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, lleternal_sunshinell +, writes (4 February 2008):
lleternal_sunshinell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice, anonymous. it makes me feel better that we're going through the same thing, and both trying to rationalize ourselves out of emotionally sticky situations. it's hard, tho, isn't it?
xapathyxrebornx, i'm sorry to hear that it's happened to you, too. on some level, i know that ideally i would want someone who would show/tell me i cared. being patient and having faith, waiting for someone you don't know to treat you better v. accepting what's given meagerly from someone you do know should treat you better.
laura1318, i asked for advice, not unfounded predictions of the future. it's a big logical jump from having sex once in a blue moon to dying lonely and dejected. also, having sex to feel attractive or to have controlling feelings over the male partner? that's quite an outdated assumption. whatever happened to having sex because you're just plain horny? you are projecting your own attitudes about sex onto my situation.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Start out with the sex first and get to know each other afterward?
After you have that many number of sexual encounters, it becomes meaningless. You wanted sex because you want to know that you are still attractive and wanted. You want to have that controlling feelings over the male partner.
When you get older and your body becomes ravished , you would feel that you have been used, dirty and cheap.You will find that you are incapable of any loving and any relationship will be short lived.You will grow old, lonely and dejected.
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A
female
reader, xapathyxrebornx  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 it depends on the person and self respect level tbh
but my expierience me and an old friend thats what we were, until i realised he was only usuing me for sex when i could have gone and had a relationship with someone who actually did care adn told me they cared about me.
i think you should do the same, find someoen who cares for you i cant see this developing into a proper relationship and in the end i can see you getting hurt x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Hi friends with benefits my post is the one immediatly after yours about a similar situation. I am stuck in a friends with benifits situation with someone I love who does not feel the same way. The more I see him the more I want to see him and every time I sleep with him it gets harder for me to just walk away. My advice to you which I am trying so hard to follow is just forget him. Guys and girls think so differently and while you are at home agonising over him he is most likley having fun with his mates.
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