A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am almost 20 and have slept with 7 different people. I find myself thinking about it each day more and more and its depressing me to the point that I cry about it for hours. I am so troubled with it and have so many different issues I just dont know how to deal with it. My first "partner" was a jerk, i was drunk and forced into it and thought I had to stay with him for that reason. He had an ex who was psycho and so much drama was caused 3 years on and I still get harrassed from them. My second was a virgin, I was messed in the head and tried to treat him like crap the way I had been treated. I see him occasionally and he holds no grudge which makes me feel worse. My third was a stupid fling that went on/off for about 2 and a half years, i tried to "take control" and "use" him to make me feel better. My fourth was the first I genuinely liked, I got pregnant and had to have an abortion, he didnt treat me the same after it although i still care for him and know he did for me too. My fith I only went with out with out of spite because of the last, to make him jealous, help me get over him..I actually couldnt stand him. The sixth I dont know what i was thinking. happened a couple of times, he had a girlfriend of 3 years, I cheated on the last with this guy. The seventh I think im love with. Ive never felt like this about anyone. But he knows about my past, and he knows 3 of them personally. I hate it I cant stand it, I hate that they can say they have "had me", I hate it for him I feel so bad. He told me someone said to him "you have X's sloppy seconds"..i had to get off the phone to burst into tears. I dont feel good enough for him and I hate that ive made so many mistakes and I have so many regrets. Everyone knows everyone where i live, theres so many rumours that go around, so many people have lied about me, and i feel people laugh about him and think he is an idiot for being with me. I dont know what to do. I try tell him as best I can but i cant talk about my feelings i find it so difficult, i feel like this relationship is going to go nowhere because of my past and that ive wrecked something that could have been amazing. its literally all i think about, I just want to go back in time so badly. Im very old fashioned when it comes to this, and I believe I would have been a virgin if it wasnt for the first time, which makes it so much worse. what can i do to overcome this? I feel like I need to end this current relationship and move away to somewhere no one knows my past, is this ridiculous?
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abortion, drunk, jealous, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (10 August 2009):
 You would be over-reacting if you left him and moved elsewhere. Does it really bother him that much?
My boyfriend's the same age as you and before we were together he slept with 12 other girls. This doesn't actually bother me =]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): forgive yourself, love yourself and know we all make mistakes
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (9 August 2009):
Tigerlilly gave you some GREAT advice - I'd read it daily.The crappy thing is NOT that you've been adventurous, but that some one in your mans circle of freinds is so thoughtless as to mention that he's getting "sloppy seconds". When I was in high school and then Uni, it was not at all uncommon for me and my freinds to date around inside our circles... Meeting a girl in my college (my class started at 200, in 5 years was down to 32... and 45,000 people attended my University) was the most common thing... and naturally folks slept together. In 3, 4 or 5 years, many people slept with girls that had dated others, and NO ONE that I ever recall was crude enough to even mention it. My opinon is that if your dating someone who had dated anyone before is that she's interested in you more than the past boys. That said, the guy should consider himself the victor, not the victim.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (9 August 2009):
okay honey, I can help. As a woman in my early 40's, I can honestly look back at my life and say the BIGGEST regret I have is not what I did, but what I didn't do. I wasted WAY TOO MUCH time worrying about, and grieving over the past. What's done is done. LET IT GO and enjoy your life. How? First of all, STOP beating up on yourself, blaming yourself or hating yourself. There is not a person walking this planet who hasn't made mistakes. Beating yourself up, feeling miserable and guilty and ashamed - what does it do except make you unhappy? Let it go. There is so much more to you than a few mistakes. You have so much good to offer.
If this guy you adore sees something in you, then there must be something to see, right? If your best friend was saying these things you would tell her she just made a mistake and she's wonderful and beautiful and to stop being so hard on herself. Well darlin... be your OWN best friend.
So much of our reality comes down to what we tell ourselves in our own heads. So stop crying, and make a vow that the way you will make amends for the mistakes you have made is to be good to yourself. To tell yourself everyday how wonderful and valuable you are. Forgive yourself. Forgive everyone else too. All the men in your past. Just forgive them. Forgive the mindless hurtful comments, people say dumb things because they like drama. Don't let yourself be the star of their soap opera. One other thing I've learned is that really, people are absorbed with their own lives and don't care what you do as much as you would think.
If this guy you care about likes you enough to ignore the mindless chatter, then don't pay back his strength and love by abandoning him. Write a different story. Write the story that says YOU define yourself, not them. Write the story that says you were strong enough to BE GOOD ENOUGH for him, to BE GOOD ENOUGH for yourself, and the two of you found this beautiful happiness together. Then instead of beating yourself up about the past, keep talking to yourself about what a great future you have and how lucky you are.
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