A
female
age
41-50,
*ot Potato
writes:Hi,I just wanted to share some concerns I have about my 3 year relationship. About a year and a half into our relationship my boyfriend started trying to change little things about me. For instance, he decided he really didn't like my reddish/brown hair (the colour it was when we met) and he wanted me to go blonde. He kept on about it so I went blonde.Then he started moaning I don't dress sexy enough when i go out, so he started buying me lots of high heels and encouraging me to dress sexier. I don't feel comfortable dressing up to much in heels etc as the places I like to go (eg. gigs) dressing like that isn't suitable! So now I feel bad if I go out and don't wear heels as he gets annoyed at me! I took out my few piercings as he decided he reallyy didn't like them. Then I stopped being a vegetarian, something I have been for 10 years as when we moved in together he gave me constant grief about how my veg diet was so inconvenient. I weakly and reluctantly gave in and now eat white meat even though now he waves red meat in my face (literally) trying to get me to eat it. The unfair bit is, he is muslim so doesn't eat pork, which obviously is fine with me but if I did I would never wave that in his face. He has made it so clear anyway that I must respect everything to do with his religion. For instance he was a social drinker when we met, so was I. Two years ago to respect his religion he gave up drinking and smoking, but now gets annoyed at me if I have a drink. He tells me its disrespectful to him.He recently has started telling me that if we are to get married one day I must become muslim. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that would not happen, I am a christian and staying that way. He was ok with that then but not now and is adamant he will change my mind. We also want to live in different countries..I have such low self esteem now and I feel so weak because I haven't stuck by what I believe in and told him if he doesn't like it to get lost. I suppose because im terrified of losing him. I know he loves me, just perhaps doesn't respect me and my beliefs. I don't know what to do! I have let my friends drift during times we have had trust issues (from him lying to me last year about some things).Is anyone reading this in a similar situation? or have any advice on what to do? Thank you for taking time to read this :)
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christian, different countries, moved in, muslim, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I was in your exact situation last year, when after 3 years I finally broke up with him. You don't deserve that treatment. You're right, it beats you down and makes you completely lose confidence in yourself and your beliefs. He will never compromise, just keep at you about something until you start to doubt it and give in to him because it's easier. I really don't think you can make this work. For the last year of our relationship, I tried to get my partner to see that what he was doing was wrong and was hurting me. I finally got through to him, but he still couldn't change. He will never change while he's with you, if he does grow, it needs to happen on his own and in his own time. I'm sorry, but there's nothing you can do to fix this, you really do need to get out of the relationship, for your own good. It's so hard to do, especially when you feel so doubtful of your opinions, but you need to stay strong. Life is so much better when you're free of this control, you won't believe it! I am so much happier now. It does take time to start finding yourself again, but it's a great process. You can wear what you want, eat what you want, have your hair however you like it, see your friends again and do what you feel like! And meet some guys who will like you for being your own person :)
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (10 August 2009):
 Oh sweetie this relationship is not healthy for you! You know in the Bible how there's that scripture that says 'Do not become unevenly yoked'? This is what it's talking about. In the old days if you took two animals and hooked them up to a plow they had better be the same size and kind. Otherwise if one was larger and the other smaller, they would be unevenly yoked. Since we aren't mules, that Biblical principal applies to our relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being involved with someone who is a different race as long as you both share the same values, similar spiritual ideals and mutually love and respect each other. In your relationship with this guy, you are completely unevenly yoked and in my opinion it will never work out because he does not respect you or your beliefs and he expects you to do all the changing. I also fear for you because it sounds like he's pressuring you to move to his country where you will be completely outnumbered by people who believe just like he does. I know you love him, but you should really think about your Christian values and realize this could cost you your faith in God. This is a huge test of your faith. You know what you need to do. I pray you'll have the strength to do it.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (9 August 2009):
"I have such low self esteem now and I feel so weak because I haven't stuck by what I believe in"This should tell you EXACTLY what you need to do...DUMP THIS BASTARD NOW... he's gutting you and is going to leave you a mess. You've got to get away from his abuse and manipulative nature. You need to heal, and discover why you were attracted to him and what traits he has, and how to spot them in future potential partners - and THEN avoid those traits at all costs.Sane / healthy people (the kind you should be seeking as a PARTNER (not a handler))- do NOT try to change their partners. RUN!!!! fast, and don't look back!
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (9 August 2009):
 Sorry to say this you may not want to read this or like what i am saying. But if a man loves you then he loves EVERYTHING about you, he is changing you into a diffrent person and you are not the same person that he met. To give up being a vegetarian because its inconvienient and changing your hair colour! He wants to make you into someone you are not. Why do you let him make you do this? I wouldnt change my hair colour or the way i dress for anyone, if someone loves you then they should not want to change you. Do you do what he tells you because you are afrid of losing him? This guy sounds like a complete control freak, would you jump of a bridge because he said it proves you love him? No of course not, then why change yourself because he asks you?
Ask yourself do you really want to be with someone who wants you to be someone else? Be true to yourself i would leave him he could potentially control everything in your life not just what you wear or what you look like but who you see and who you can talk to, he could make you so miserable and alone. Do you really want that?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 August 2009):
Why are you so scared of losing him?
You have to ask yourself this. Yes you love him but that doesn't mean that you will stop breathing and / or be hit by lightning if you can't be with him.
I know the thought of giving him up after all this time is scary, but being single isn't that bad.
Think of the person you were when you met him. Did you like her? Where has she gone? You sounded like a really cool alternative girl who was into gigs and he's turning you into another blonde clone to hang off his arm and make him look good.
I think you know deep down that if he isn't prepared to live with the real you then this isn't real love.
Do you want to wake up in 10 years knowing you don't know who you are any more and that you are pretending to be something to cling onto a guy who doesn't respect you?
Or do you want to wake up in a few weeks with your old hair in your own place and go out with a mate and have a drink and a vegetarian meal and then get a peircing put back in, and go out to a gig in jeans and trainers and have a GREAT TIME?
Accept that love sometimes doesn't change the fact that some relationships are not going to work and make a decision to save yourself.
Good Luck!! xx
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