A
female
age
36-40,
*ickledpink
writes:Hi,So I'm new here, but have been reading a lot of previous questions with great interest. I'm in a bit of tricky situation, which to be honest is probably my own making, and I'm feeling a bit lost as to where to turn.The background - I'm 27 he is 31. We have the same job in a relatively small area, so even though we don't physically work together, we all tend to know each other and hang out at the same places if that makes sense. I got out of a really tough emotionally and physically abusive five year relationship about 3 years ago and made the conscious decision to be single. I've been on a few dates, had random hook ups and a couple of fuck buddies but I haven't felt the desire to be in a relationship. He is a straight up loves the ladies kind of guy, he has had serious relationships and he has said in that we're all looking for that great love who will love us unconditionally and fuck our brains out!We met for the first time nearly two years ago on a night out - nothing happened, light hearted banter and a bit of flirting. Over the following year we met a few times when out with friends - we had no contact in between those times - hell I wasn't even sure I had his name right!Last year at a big event organised by work and again got into some pretty heavy flirting - although again nothing happened. I was out with my friends and whilst I thought he was super hot, I wasn't really interested in a random hook up.About a month or so after that he sent me a message randomly over facebook saying thanks for the smokes. I didn't think too much of it and over the summer we started exchanging messages on facebook - we weren't even "friends" on there. As the months past it never progressed past facebook although we did make it to "friends" lol. The messages got a more and more suggestive and flirty. Eventually I thought enough was enough and decided to send him my number - if he called great if he didn't his loss. We were messaging each other about 5-6 times a day on facebook at that point.So a day later after getting my number he starting texting me. That was back in October. What followed was 5 months of constant and I mean sometimes 30 messages a day texting. Sometimes general small talk, sometimes deeper stuff and a lot of flirting / sexting. We're both mature consenting adults so I have no issues with sexting.I know in that time he has hooked up with other women - when and how many I don't know. I've slept with an old ex a couple of times.I hit a bit of crisis in March - had a total meltdown and was diagnosed with depression. I didnt want to tell him because I thought he would see me differently but eventually I did (still all over text) and his messages softened and would ask about how I was doing etc.****EVENTUALLY**** we met up! He had offered to help me with an application form for a job and he said in exchange for helping he wanted dinner! So he came over and I cooked, spent the evening chatting away and we got on fantastically. Towards the end of the night we starting kissing and made it to second base. He ended up staying over - we slept together but didn't have sex. It was nice which made me think it might be something more than sex.I should at this point say it was almost a foregone conclusion months before we met up that we would eventually hook up and thats initially how it all started - it was about having a night of some proper hot sex. However I found as time went on with our constant messaging and after our first night together I found myself really really liking him. He makes me laugh and feel good about myself. He compliments me on the really little things that makes me feel like he is paying attention. I find that he brightens my day up.Anyway after our first night together he was going abroad for 10 days so I didn't expect to hear from him - but he text me everyday, sometimes flirting sometimes not.He got back from holiday on the Monday morning, Tuesday night he was at mine.. and we did have sex. And hands down the best sex of my life. He stayed over, and came back on the Thursday and stayed over.. and the Saturday and stayed over.. and the Tuesday and stayed over.. and the Wednesday and stayed over... and then again last night (Sunday). The sex is phenomenal and I've never been with someone who just gets me sexually. And we still have all the same banter and chat, and we still text all the time when we're not seeing each other. I didn't know where I stood with all this, months ago I was going into this as a potential friends with benefits. Now I'm totally hooked on him. I spoke to him about it, thinking it was better to be straight up and clarify what this was. He said to me - in a very lovely way - that he was straight up about sex and that he isn't worth falling for but that he found me entertaining and wanted me around. So that was my answer. We were fuck buddies. I thought about it and decided, against my better judgement, I would continue to sleep with him..But, and this is the point where I am confused... I know he thinks himself a bit of a player and I know that the signs point to friends with benefits.. but.. last night when we met up, there was something different about how he was around me - a lot more tactile. The kisses were deeper and more passionate.. there was real intimacy. I know he likes me, he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment and I know he thinks I'm hot, we get on so well and have a bunch of stuff in common, from music to movies to work to our sense of humour etcI guess it boils down to the fact that I am falling for this guy and I don't know if I am reading signs that I want to be there. No doubt we are friends with benefits at the moment, but his constant attention and interest - is that just to keep me hooked? Does this sound like there is room for something to develop? I find myself starting to see a potential future with this guy.. When I've had fuck buddies or friends with benefits before, there doesn't really tend to be much interaction with our day to day lives, its about the sex. But its not like that with him, we talk about everything and anything. Am I reading too much into this? Has he been clear and I'm just misreading it? Should I cut and run?And just as an after thought - yes we have safe sex, yes we're both consenting adults enjoying ourselves. I know that friends with benefits isn't for everyone but it scratches an itch.
View related questions:
facebook, flirt, friend with benefits, kissing, player, second base, smokes, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tickledpink +, writes (17 May 2011):
tickledpink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.
I read this back to myself this morning and just thought "what the hell a I doing to myself!?" I guess seeing it all in black and white makes it much harder to stick a romantic or true connection onto it.
I think I've known the answer all along, I guess was just hoping that somewhere I had misread things.
Cerberus thank you for your advice, it was a dose of tough love I needed! I think you are right in a way about setting my own personal boundaries and time limits. I think we need to see each other less for starters and Tisha-1 you're also right, I'm available. Sure not always straight away but he has me pretty much where he wants me. I've never been good at "the games" I'm generally too straight up for all that, but I don't think it will do me or him any harm to be a less available. Perhaps by giving myself a bit of space it will do my own feelings some good.
We've got the big annual works thing this week - we're both going although we arranged it independently. I'm going to clear any expectations out of my head (or try at least) for the evening and just enjoy seeing my friends. I had a life before him I need to get back to that.
Ironically, through all this, its struck me how similar we are - I usually behave exactly how he behaves with me, its just for some reason this time round I've started to behave like a chick. Go figure.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 My experience is that when a man tells you he isn't interested in a relationship, he means it. Ignore the looks and other non-verbal communication, it is trumped by this declaration he's made. He has done his best to prepare you for the let-down when you come to realize he actually meant what he said.
If you really want to know that he would miss you, make yourself less available and I would get as blatant as suggesting there's another love interest in your life that would take you off the market. If he is interested in you as more than FWB, he'd try to woo you. See if he does, outside the bedroom.
I'd say he's been pretty honest and forthright about where you two stand, I hope he continues, so there's no doubt or conjecture in your mind.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Nope, you're his fuck buddy nothing more. There is no clearer signal that "don't fall in love with me". He basically just said he's not going to fall in love with you. I mean that was your answer, you tell him you have feelings and he basically calls you a "good time".
I don't understand why so many people don't listen to those kind of things but instead prefer to look for mystical signs, like the way he kissed you or how he sends 40 texts a day. No offence OP but that's just standard stuff, that doesn't take much effort at all, seems the other guys you were with were just lazy.
He called you "entertainment", said he's "straight up about the sex" and he likes having you around. You're his good time girl OP, that's all.
"I know that friends with benefits isn't for everyone but it scratches an itch." Yeah except you have a different itch this time don't you? You actually really like this guy, so already you've broken the golden rule of FWB's *don't have feelings for the person*.
"No doubt we are friends with benefits at the moment, but his constant attention and interest - is that just to keep me hooked?" Yes but also as he said you're entertaining, you'll let him sext you and flirt too, you basically give him all the benefits of having a girlfriend except you let him go off and shag other girls too. Why oh why do you think he'll ever give that up? That's the sweetest deal we guys can get. He has absolutely no reason to change that, now or in the future, now he knows you have feelings for yet are still going to keep shagging him, anything goes. He can act as passionate and loving as he wants, you've already made that deal. Plus if he knows even the first thing about women he'll realize that as long as he acts loving he can say what he wants and you won't listen to that, you'll just choose to believe the little "signs" instead.
"Does this sound like there is room for something to develop?" Nope, he told you very clearly that it won't. It's your own fault you refuse to believe him and prefer to let your imagination do the thinking.
"Am I reading too much into this? Has he been clear and I'm just misreading it?" Yes, he can't be more clear than he has already. Come on OP, you're not a fool, you've had other relationships. You know exactly what it means to give someone an answer like he gave you when you told him you had feelings, you know what a brush off is, you know that they're designed to not ruin your chances at keeping your fuck buddy because if you tell them straight up you don't feel that way they might run for the hills.
It's always best to brush that off and let the other person think they still have a chance without actually saying they do, because something magical happens to people who have feelings for you, their mind will start seeing things that aren't there, "signs" and the persons own feelings will do all the work for you. You just get to sit back and let that person live in their hopes and fantasies, act like a boyfriend but never commit. Guilt free because you told them the deal from the start.
"Should I cut and run?" We all know you're not going to, so it doesn't matter what we say.
Good luck OP, you've already gone too far with this guy to turn back now. Your feelings just will not let go of that hope, he'll feed it by keeping you close but will probably never commit to you. He told you that's not him, he told you're just entertainment that he likes to have around.
My advice OP would be to cut and run, but seeing as you're not going to then you have to set some personal boundaries, you have to set a limit where you'll walk away if things don't progress. You don't need to tell him just set them yourself. You know how things like these go, you know that it's different now, this not casual for you and there's only so long you're heart will able to take that kind of situation before it breaks you down and you spend another few years a heartbroken woman who chooses to remain single. You have to know when to quit OP, so sit down and carefully think what you want, *not* what you will settle for but what you really want. You basically want a relationship with this guy at some stage, so give it a time limit, give it a go until the end of the summer or the first time the situation makes you feel any kind of anguish or real pain.
The biggest test is exclusivity, you can be FWB's and strictly exclusive, if he won't even agree to that then you're in trouble and this is going to hurt pretty soon when you realize he's texting and shagging other girls.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Generally I think work sexual relationships can be fraught with problems, especially when the couple break up. Though there are many happy successful marriages that have started with a work relationship.
But a Friend with Benefits situation in a work relationship does you no favors in a work situation where too many will notice and make assumptions about you. Your own reputation at work is paramount and compromising your reputation at work will not help you at all, professionally.
May I recommend to you one of the Uncles who is a hero (as far as good advice) on Dear Cupid? He writes the most wonderful articles that every girl should read.
I have listed just a few of his superb articles below. Please checked out the one on Players especially.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-situations-that-scream-hes-a-player.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-things-that-women-should-never-allow-any.html
and other great articles by this same Uncle, namely these Articles by the same Uncle:
10 Things Guys really want in a woman...
What men think 30 Sec after ejaculation and how it can affect you
10 Tips To Help You Get Over A Broken Heart
Why it is Important for him to earn your Love
...............................
|
