A
female
age
41-50,
*emy
writes:My husband has death in his family, and my heart goes out to the family but I really dont want to be around them cause all they do is drink, I mean really, if im in mourning I wouldnt be drinking and getting drunk, and he has the nerve to get mad at me cause I dont want to be around that mess, I know he is a grown man and he is responsible for his own actions, but really what is the logic in getting drunk? Its not cute and it sure aint sexy, so what should I do in this situation? Im at the point of crying cause I know what is gonna happen when I get ova there. I love him its true but I'm not gonna compete with that bullcrap. I really feel that this may be the end of mirrage because of the way we both feel. Plz help!!!
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Hi
A funeral is one day, if he cannot control his temper or violence towards you for that time then kiss him goodbye.
As for his family, your not married to them and he has to stand up to them re name calling.This doesnt mean he has to cut himself off from them, for you. That would make him resent your marriage
He is grieving right now,they all are, dont be too harsh.
But do protect yourself from his physical violence, there is no excuse for that.With or without a drink.Ever.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 I can see why this issue is coming in between you both, at the end of the day he needs to be a man about this and if his family call him immature names then he just needs to ignore them. If they want to get drunk then good for them let them do that, don't allow it to come in between you and your husband, as long as he is behaving himself then that should be your only concern not his family. I am glad you are building a life together now. But I think you need to go a little easy on him when he is grieving.
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A
female
reader, remy +, writes (18 May 2012):
remy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell after that last incident that happend, we have gone to mirrage counceling and he said he enjoyed going and looks forward to going again, yes I did address the fact that if he is gonna b there drinking that I fear he will hit me again, he got upset and said I act like I dont want him around his family, and that is not true I just never been around a bunch of grown people who is always drunk! I feel I should not have to worry about things like this, he is a grown man, when we got together he had nothing now we are trying to build something and all these people with their negative thinking is clouding his better judgement. They call him a punk if he only has one drink etc. And now he is saying that when this is funeral is ova he feels he should move away from his family cause its always gonna be a problem for me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 May 2012):
OP you should have mentioned in your original post that he becomes violent through drink so that we could give you the proper advice. You should always have all the facts wrote down. You are right in a sense that you wouldn't want to be around him if he beats you up while drunk. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be with him. If he has anger problems then he should be going to anger management classes if he wants this marriage to work. Does he drink a lot? If he does then maybe he should look in to help to stop drinking alcohol. Have you spoke to him about the funeral? Told him you are worried he is going to be violent to you? If not then I think you should tell him that this is what you fear, that you want to be there to support him, but you do not want to be used as a punch bag. As for his family getting drunk well that is there choice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2012):
 He punches, hits or slaps you while he's drunk? Oh, that's an entirely different matter. Nope, off to Al-Anon for you, you need support. I'd also recommend you take a look at this site: http://www.thehotline.org/ and have a long think about you're in a safe relationship. I rather doubt it.If you are being physically abused, it's time to take action. Contact that website, call that number and get some help to get out.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, remy +, writes (18 May 2012):
remy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all comments but, there is way more going on in my mirrage that leads me to feel this way, u see whrn he gets drunk he has a tendancy to put his hands on me like im a punching bag, he gets really out of control when he drinks, yes I know I cannot control grown people and maybe im going a little too far about my feelings, but u can drink without being drunk, and I guess I feel like if u cannot control it dont do it. He has admit that he has anger problems lately, but I guess im wrong for my feelings....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 May 2012):
I completely agree with person12345. At the end of the day, everyone handles grieving in different ways. So if his family want to go out and get drunk then that is up to them. I can understand that you don't like to be around alcohol, but at the end of the day should you not be there supporting your husband at this hard time, helping him mourn instead of sulking that you do not want to be around his family and him when they are drinking.
Sure it is not cute and sexy but hey who the hell wants to be cute and sexy when they are going to a funeral to mourn the loss of a loved one, I think cute and sexy is the last thing on anybodies mind at a funeral would you not agree? You think this is the end of your marriage just because they want to go and drink at this family gathering. What are your reasons for such harsh comments? I don't understand it, if you loved your husband then would you not want to be there for him to support him and also to make sure that he does not drink to much and be there to look after him. As for his family, well as person12345 has said at the end of the day it is up to them how they behave, you should be there for your husband not them.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Has his family behaved in a way that is inappropriate with you? Have they done anything while drunk that makes you uncomfortable other than the fact that they are drunk? If so, I think you have a legitimate reason to just say, "Honey, why don't you go be with your family. I don't want to intrude, this is a family thing that you should deal with together."
Otherwise, you are being incredibly unreasonable. So what if drinking isn't cute or sexy? Neither is mourning. You are not married because you want someone around to have sex with all the time, you are married so that when someone dies in the family or you go through hardship, there is always someone there to help you. You need to do that for your husband alcohol or not. Some people drink at family gatherings and some do not. While I think it is reasonable to try to ask your husband not to drink, or at least not too much, you do not get to ask his family not to.
You are not going to this so that you can eyeball the guys or go socialize, you are going because someone died and you need to be supportive. I can't believe you are honestly considering divorcing him because his family drinks when they are in mourning.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 May 2012):
Hi
The death of a relative is not MEANT to be 'cute' or 'sexy' nor is the behaviour of grieving relatives.
I would say your attitude is odd, if they deal with this by getting drunk its not at all unusual. If you dont want to be around them ALL the time, then at least be there some of the time.You dont have to drink.Pay your respects,support your husband, then after a decent time,leave if you really cannot stand it.
Its not grounds for divorce, unless you have alot of other issues as well
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 May 2012):
 It IS possible to attend an event where alcohol is being served, and NOT partake of that alcohol... and stay sober and keep your wits about you!!!!
Since it's a gathering to mourn a death, couldn't you just attend, share grief, and "look the other way" relative to how Hubby's family exhibits their grief (and spends their time together)?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): Wow, if my husband acted the way you are when there was a death in my family, I would be filing for divorce in a heartbeat. When there is a death, people mourn in their own way, some people get drunk (my brother's did when my father died), and although it's not my idea of how to mourn, each person deals with death differently. I can understand why your husband is mad at you, I would be furious at my husband if he said that to me when there was death in my family. Your husband is hurting over the loss of a family member, he needs your love and support, and all you can care about is the fact people will be getting drunk and you don't find it cute or sexy! There is nothing cute or sexy about mourning or about death. Your being very selfish and immature, he needs your support and as his wife you should be there. Is it going to kill you to be there to support him when he is hurting? I don't think so.
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