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36-40,
writes: Hi everyone. I guess this article sort of follows on from my last one about Borderline Personality Disorder.I found something on the internet I would like to share. It is a letter written by someone with BPD, addressing those who don't have it but know somebody in their lives who does. When I read it, I was amazed. It captures exactly how I feel, and what I would like people to know about how it feels on a daily basis. In fact, I think I will send a copy to my mother, as Im sure she finds me confusing and difficult at times! I would like to share it here because I think there is a negative stigma attached to BPD, and a lot of misunderstanding and fear surrounding it. I think this letter challenges some of those perceptions, and it gives a viewoint from the other side, from someone with BPD. As always, my hope in submitting this is to try and raise awareness, and offer some comfort and hope for anyone affected by this disorder, whether personally or through someone they know. This is the letter I found. Again, I would like to point out that I did NOT write the following, to avoid any plagarism issues. :-)"Dear Non-BPD,We know how difficult it is to have us in your life. We know how hard it is to hear us in our depths of despair. We know how we may come across as manipulative, controlling, unwilling to change, attention-seeking, even intolerable. We know. But step back for a moment, really look at us. Inside, you will find the most compassionate, empathetic, kind, giving people you will meet. Yes, you are tired of the chaos – as tired as you are, we are drained, worn down. Yes, you feel trapped by the relationship, as trapped as you feel we are birds banging our heads against the cage wanting to fly. I implore you, do not tell us we do nothing to improve, we have been seeking help most of our lives, we have been fighting to get “normal” forever. We have been actually getting up every morning, this in itself is comparable to climbing Mount Everest, this is “doing something.” We are not about control, manipulation, lies, we are about fear. We love you, possibly more than most people can feel love and are in sheer terror of losing you, this is the control you speak of. Don’t turn your back on us (unless you are in danger of your life, but most BPD’s I have met hurt only themselves). For when you turn your back on us, you have reinforced the idea that we are unworthy, hopeless, and cannot make it in this world. In my experience, most of the conflicts that arise with BPD’s and Non-BPD’s is miscomunication. Be clear about what you mean, extremely clear, because what you say is perceived by us as something different. Be reassuring. Don’t say, “I can’t take this right now,” simply start the sentence differently… “You have every right to feel the way you do, but can we talk later. I will call you back at such and such a time.” Be validating. Don’t ignore a text or a phone call, we have been ignored all our lives and feel invisible. Don’t tell others that we are “crazy.” We are a lot healthier than most people walking around ignoring their feelings, we are learning how to cope. Don’t tell us we are being overly dramatic, overly sensitive, we are not dramatic, our feelings are real and yes, we are overly senstitive, but is that such a bad thing? I am proud to say that I am sensitive, I am proud to say that when I love, I love with all my soul, I am proud to say that I do understand you, but can you even try to understand me? I am not here preaching about how BPD’s should be catered to. As an analogy: if we had cancer, would you say “I’m tired of taking you for your treatments, fight this on your own?” For some, BPD is as terminal as cancer. As long as they are in treatment and learning to cope, be there because one day that bird that is banging their head against the cage will fly free and you will miss the opportunity to fly with them…"Written by Fia Marie.Taken from ontheborderlineblog.wordpress.com
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): Nice. But the love of a borderine is not more or the same as the love from a nonbpd. To a nonbpd love is: i want the best for you (and us). to a BPD love is: i want you to give me the best/ all you got and more. And yes that typical BPD love is very strong. BPD always want you to give them and only them what they need. To get that, a bpd might give you a bit of what you need, or some in reward. But it is never about the nonbpd. Because inside the bpd has ony room for her/him self. Most people can't live with a relation like that. So they leave. Making the BPD even more controlling and claiming when they found someone who will give endless attention, money etc. Because otherwise there will be nobody to fill their extreme high needs. And they live in fear that the nonbdp will be so exhausted that he can not give anymore. But then often the bpd has already found a fresh new victim.
For a bpd it is important to let go of this selfcentred attitude. Start working on changing. Try to think for two minutes a day what another person might feel (in a situation that day, because honestly, bpd's never ever even thought of the possibility to think like that for a moment). Do this everyday for months and months. It is hard work but you can cure and learn to feel empathy, not the lies like in written in the letter here* but really for the first time in your life, really know what it is. That is so great, i promise. God bless.
* the letter proves again bpd do not have empathy because the letter is like typicly bpd, written about others needing to give to the bpd, others most understand, and do this and that for the pbd.
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reader, phreddy100  +, writes (13 November 2010):
Fia Marie's letter makes me furious. No one should have to tolerate abuse under any circumstance.I think that a true BPD diagnosis is basically carte blanche for someone to be a total a**hole and never have to be accountable for ther gross actions.
I've been close to a BPD for 20 + years. She doesn't respect boundaries, uses the telephone and email to "stalk" me when I ask for time to cool down. My problem is this..I allowed her to carry on with gross behavoir for years simpy because disagreeing with her would reslut in fighting for days and sometimes weeks or months. She used my fears and greatest sadnesses against me. She's an emotional terrorist. I find it beyond selfish that because she's miserable, everyone in her life has to be, too.
Life is hard. The best thing I've ever done for myself was to end this friendship. Her problems aren't mine anymore. Good riddens!! But wait, no I can't get her out of my life because now she's aggresively pursuing my closest friends. She's the most selfish and manipulative person. She makes up horrible lies to gain sympathy. Yes, she suffers from a disease. But she still has free will. She spent a year in a mental institution + several more years in therapy. No change or improvement.
Knowing this person has robbed me of joy for years. She kept my bound by her insecurities and absurd fears. It is not ok to treat people this way. It is abuse.
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reader, OhGetReal +, writes (14 August 2010):
 Dear Samantha,I think you are the exception when it comes to a person diagnosed with BPD, you seem to be improving with therapy and are capable of change. Perhaps this is because you are NOT actually a person with BPD, but a child of a parent with BPD and have learned maladaptive coping skills, and because you are not hard wired in your brain with a true personality disorder, are capable of change.I am here to tell you though, that the vast majority of people with BPD are NOT capable of growth and change and cause a lot of harm to the people who attempt to love them.There has been recent brain research that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are brain abnormalities in those with BPD that explain why it is virtually impossible for a person with BPD to change. It is not to say that many BPD people are highly functional, contribute to society and are not criminal. That said they do cause inevitable harm to those who try to love them. This is due to the core issue of fear of abandoment, the maladaptive coping mechanism of splitting a person as either ALL BAD or ALL GOOD. And the inability to take responsibility for their actions/problems.Most BPD's also suffer from additional personality disorders and substance abuse problems which make them all that more dangerous to people.I appreciate that you are defensive about the LABEL of Borderline Personality Disorder and that you think people do not understand the reasons behind the feelings and actions of people that have the disorder. What you do not accept is that this really does not matter when you are the TARGET of their abuse and dysfunction and the aftermath of what it is like to live in a toxic relationship.I wish you all the blessed things in life that there is to offer and the pathway to mental health, but I am sure that you are on the Borderline of normalcy and in fact may be a victim of a BPD parent yourself or it would be so unlikely that you would even be interested in mental health, therapy or improving yourself. So that said, you have a responsibility not to DISCOUNT the damage that these people do to NON BPD's because I think you are sorely mistaken in your beliefs about that. I have lived it as a NON and I can't relate or agree with ANYTHING you say here, but I also think that you have a perspective a non BPD but a misdiagnosed Non BPD who can mimic that kind of dysfunctional behavior. So doesn't that just blow your mind? Well, it's a very real POSSIBILITY. Check it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comment Kenj! I guess that's one of the things that gets to me the most, the way people with BPD get blamed for how they are, like the way they can behave is deliberate and intended to hurt people. It's not. A lot of people with BPD struggle to see themselves as other's see them, and even if they do realise they may be behaving irrationally or unreasonably, it is still very hard to change.
I recently joined an online BPD support group, and I can honestly say that some of the things these people say is heartbreaking. A lot of them feel alone, yet they know they push people away. They want to be loved, but feel unlovable themselves. These people are their own biggest critics. To say they are hard on themselves is an understatement. A lot of them hate themselves, hate having BPD, and have been trying for years to become "normal". That's all they want. To be free of BPD, and for people to try and understand.
Like you said, I think a lot of the problems stems from misunderstanding. BPD is hard to understand, I even struggle to understand myself at times! But I think as long as there is a commitment in trying to understand and work together from both sides, it is very much possible to overcome these difficulties.
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reader, Kenj  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 I read this article and your last article with great interest. I have already mentioned to you about my girlfriend having anorexia nervosa, she was also diagnosed with BPD some time ago. I totally agree that it’s given bad press but having BPD doesn’t mean your destined to be alone for the rest of your life. I always say there is someone out there for everyone we just have to look for them.I can totally relate and aspire to all you write on the subject and Fia Marie’s letter. From a non-suffers point of view, my point of view, it takes a lot of understanding to know when seeing the effects of the BPD in action and then it takes compassion not to react to it and not handle the situation wrongly. It would be so easy to blame the suffer when actually they have no control over their actions or words. I think it’s the lack of understanding which can cause friendships and relationships to fail as it can be a lot to take in. But when you truly love a person you accept them no matter what and see them for who they are and not what they have, you don’t judge them and always want them to succeed in their life.I still think there is a lack of awareness about BPD’s and ED’s for that matter, I am saying everyone should be an expert in it subjects but it would help others to take a little time to think before judging any person whom they don’t really know.
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