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Dealing with the end of a destructive relationship: why do we keep coming back to each other, even though things are so messed up?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 September 2008) 3 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2008)
A male Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid. I'm looking for some unbias advice.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost five years now. Our relationship was going good, aside from the insane fights we would have, or so I thought. This past January she broke it off with me so she could see other people. I was devastated, but we ended up getting back together. Since that time, she's cheated on me, and we still have (like always) these insane fights that always end up violent with her attacking me. All of these fights she doesn't remember the next day because she's blackout wasted.

We bring out the worst in each other and I've realized that this is such a destructive relationship. When I look back, all the fights we've had, I know deep down that our relationship was never healthy.

I guess my question is;

It's not healthy for either of us for this to go on, and I think it's best for both of us if I end it, but how can I possible be without someone that's been in my life for so long and meant so much to me?

Why do we keep coming back to each other, even though things are so messed up?

How can I be without my partner in crime, even though I feel trapped and see no future, or anything changing in this relationship?

View related questions: cheated on me, trapped, violent

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A male reader, itiseye United States +, writes (19 September 2008):

im pretty much i nthe same boat as u man. i know i should let go of my gf/ex gf but i cant. its like im blinded by love, but i know what is right but i just cant build up the strength to just do it

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A female reader, lotus mama808 United States +, writes (19 September 2008):

lotus mama808 agony auntI've been there! Distraction, distraction, distraction. It may seem too soon, but go on a date! Pick up a time consuming hobbie. I went back to an abusive boyfriend time and time again, and we have a child together. I was finally able to ditch him, I left the state for 2 years, minimized contact with him, and by the time I was ready to move home, I had a new partner that was %100 better. We still talk every now and again, but, I don't miss him at all. Distraction, babe;)

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A female reader, !Candice16! United States +, writes (18 September 2008):

!Candice16! agony auntIts hard isnt it? to love someone yet they cant love you in return. to have your heart broken and fall without them there to catch you. I know how it feels . even though its hard , you have to move on. there is someone out there that can love you and not hurt you. you go back to her cuz you still love her and she comes back to you because you give her the advantage of hurting you. she knows you cant hate her , she knows your wrapped around her finger sooo tight , and she knows she can hav you when she wants you. My ex and i did this five times. and even now i still love him but im moving on. if you dont ... you will be in deep sadness. and you'll be unsatisfied with the other person. you dont want to always feel like your missing the other half of you. let her go...this little game she plays .... will break you more and more. let her go and eventually you'll find someone. send me a private message if you need more help. I hope everything will be ok for you. im sorry this happened. you'll do the right thing by letting her go. dont fall for any of her "i love you " or "i miss you" tricks. stuff like that. trust me i know wat thts like. if she isn loyal now she wont change. i know wat heartbreak is like. good luck. dont worry , you'll be ok. promise you. :-)

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