A
male
age
36-40,
*paul2008
writes:I always feel a bit weird being a male but being so needy with others. Ive always passed it off as i am a people person and just like to be around others. I always need reassurance from others and hate being on my own. I have had some excellent female companions over the years and has always ended in disaster. A close friend of mine has just recently split with his girlfriend and although we have always got on since they have split up i think she has got closer to me initially to be able to have the next thing closer to him, she is a very needy lady but because i am probably the same we have gotten extremely close over the last few months. I havent been so happy in a Long time and it seems like she is the same. I think because she gives me so much attention as i do with her it has fulfilled this trait of ours. The only problem is obviously she has only just been split up with this guy a few months and even though Im not looking as to where this could go i am just enjoying the short term affection but dont want it to stop. I try to cool it down and move away from her a little but this makes her affection towards me stronger and when i cannot resist the temptations that she lays on for me and makes me put stronger moves on her she flee's away and goes into meltdown for a few days and it becomes awkward. I think if we are both patient it could maybe develop into something good one day but i just think it could also develop into a really volatile relationship with two people needing so much attention. Has anybody ever been in a similar position of such dispair or got any tips that could help me.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 No, you know this could work! You could end up as a comfort blanket, but you can also attempt to avoid ending up as once, thus securing your chance for a real relationship.
Have you talked to her about the "us" question? Defining who you are and how you feel is a good step away from comfort blanket. Because then you kind of take what you have a step further, and still being able to take things slow. No kissing or jumping in the sack just yet though! Make a potential relationship official before sex, thats my advice. Then perhaps move on to some proper dates in a while. Even if she's dating someone else, as long as she's not jumped into a relationship already you don't have to be bothered by other guys. If it's you she actually wants you need to take it slow.. just to avoid ending up as a rebound.
Talk to her about that too so she understands the need to go slow. Tell her you want a proper relationship if that is where you are heading, and want to make sure things happen correctly. That you want to take things slow and see how you feel for each other, then go on some dates, and then see what happens.
Then if feelings start to develop, perhaps you should have a relationship. And then like I said, NO SEX, until a relationship is official! Don't sell yourself cheap. If she truly wants you for who you are, and not just for comfort, she will be patient and wait until the time is right.
Best of luck! You do sound like a good match!
A
male
reader, Jpaul2008 +, writes (25 November 2010):
Jpaul2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey guys I really appreciate the comments they are all great. I think sometimes when your in these environments your heart gets so strongly attached it becomes difficult to truely analize your own situation so I really appreciate you giving your time to answe these questions.
My friend doesnt really know about this, although I've talked to him about it without being direct an he just says he doesn't want to know anything about her. I think he has quietly found another girl and got bored so he's jumped ship.
She isn't the type of girl who likes to be single, I've know her for many years and she is needy but also very giving. Similar to me, I like to be loved (lots of attention) and also like to give to the other. We are getting on really well, we keep doing cute things for one another. but I think the problem is it feels in my head like I am the security blanket but in my heart I feel like we are so good together both of us would find it hard to part company. She has tonnes of guys after her at the minute and she keeps seeming to put them off for me. She'll arrange a date then cancel last minute and come round to my house for the evening. Obviously she is very confused and upset still about breaking up with her last bf but I just dont know if or how it can work between us. I hope it can or am I completely dillusional and experiencing clouded judgement??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Jmtmj makes a good point. But he neglects to mention that this girl might not actually be that kind of girl. She could just be on the rebound and in fact it sounds very much like she is from her behaviour.
She exhibits very rebound type behaviour, she craves your attention and when it seems like she's going to lose it grabs you close but when you give her a lot of attention she starts to feel suffocated and pulls away. Very rebound.
At this stage it's impossible to gauge how she feels for you, she's only recently out of a relationship and things get very muddled. Don't be surprized after the dust settles she figures out your not the one. I hope for you that's not the case but you should stick to your original assessment and only expect the short term, take things as they come and don't try and analyze the situation too much, just go with the flow and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Neediness is a double edged sword that can leave you eternally searching. To find true happiness an individual must learn how to take care of their own needs... so that they have something to truly give to another. A relationship... regardless of what it is... shouldn't be about getting one's needs met. It should be about simply 'being'. If we are trapped in a dynamic of doing this or that so we 'get' we are manipulating. For true love, we must examine the idea of giving, rather than 'doing' in order to 'get'.If you know yourself, you wouldn't need someone else to reassure you of who you are or what you are. True freedom is found in being self assured and... in having something to GIVE with no strings... giving because you care about them or love them... not in order to 'hear' what you need to 'hear'. You can set yourself up for disaster living that way. Eternally empty and always trying to find someone who will tell you what you think you need to hear. If you are truly fortunate... life will only send people your way who are sincere. However, life is life... and it will present you will all sorts of people... some who will clue in on your 'signal' that you are easily manipulated... and they will manipulate you.Relationships with two needy people can be difficult in the long term. There may be times when one needs more...in other words they want to receive... and the other wants to receive. Two people hungry at the same time. It is hard to sustain happiness when we depend on being told who we are.Best to define ourselves and live in a state of giving love and happiness... rather than waiting...
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 The neediest guy I ever knew had 5 girlfriends in a row dump him all for that specific reason. Great guy, but calling his girl 80 times within the space of two hours... I've just never seen a worse case of neediness and I honestly thought he'd never find some one.
He's now been married to a woman for what... 4 years or so.
She's just as needy, but they're blissfully happy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 November 2010):
Exactly who is this "guy" that you at first describe as a close friend of yours? Does he approve of you and his now ex getting closer? Are you willing to toss away that friendship for this girl?
It sounds like a perfect match, she is needy and you are needy, and I really think you need to find someone who has the same level of "need" as you in order for there to be balance. You also need to be compatible of course.
However I do not think you are so trapped in this as you pretend to be. You say she tempts you and you can't stay away. Of course you can. You have brains, you are in control over your own actions, don't blame her. If you try to move away from her then do that. Don't excuse yourself later on with saying she was so tempting.
Figure out what you want here, and if your friend is okay with something developing between the two of you. I will also warn you that her need for company might be a direct result from being dumped, and you work only as her comfort blanket until she feels better and then she wont be needy any more. So be cautious of that and give this some more time to see if she's actually interested in YOU, or if she just needs someone to cling on to, be that anyone.
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